‘These deep inner feelings’

The nervousness kicked in as the clock approached closer and closer to 8:00 pm. It always did right before he called, no. matter. what. At the time, I was doing homework and tried to concentrate as best as I could. His name appeared in black on the red background of my virgin mobile loft cell phone. The smile just formed on my face if I saw or heard his name; so presumably, I clicked the “answer” button with a cheery “hello”. The “how are you” was very important because I don’t say it the same way I asked him. I told him a few things about myself then switched to him saying, “I almost got into a car accident last night.” The “cheery” tone turned into a sympathetic one. As he described his mistake of switching into the exit lane too quickly, my expression changed into a concerned look. The whole mood moved to sympathy when he explained to me how terrible he felt when this occurred. He said it was his fault. Then he told me he felt like shit. To add to this almost collision, his life was nothing like he envisioned in being. As he spoke about the way he was feeling, I closed my eyes to ‘feel’ everything he was expressing to me. You see, he doesn’t just tell anyone ‘these inner deep feelings.’ In fact, I am the only one he told. So for him to share this information with me was him letting me into his world. I have to return the favor back by listening and offering him any advice. But the main thing he wanted was someone to talk to. He began to tell me how he just wanted to go to bed and end the night. Then this morning he woke up and didn’t want to start his day. He told me these past few days have been a nightmare for him because of the current situation he’s in. The tears always formed in my eyes when he spoke like this because all I wanted for him was happiness and that clearly wasn’t happening any time soon. But then he would talk about how he’s trying to find a girl and I sometimes became jealous because I thought to myself “Aren’t I the girl?” You have to realize him and I dated for a year and a half and our break-up wasn’t ever supplied with a “go our separate way,” period, so I didn’t have time to grieve. Honestly, if I were to re-do our break-up, I wouldn’t change anything because he was always my best friend. There was no way I could separate myself from him. And to sit here lending my ear to him in this rocky time he went through was best because he needed me. I don’t care if anyone agreed or disagreed. The whole thing was He. Needed. Me. Even if he won’t admit it, I believed in my heart I must stay around to help him. I love him. As our phone call ended, I became depressed. He was not at all happy about his life. It lead me to think, “What am I doing wrong?” I know I shouldn’t think that, but if you understood, and I mean ‘really’ understood, you wouldn’t have asked me, “Why aren’t you putting yourself first?” You. Would. Just. Know.

Everything.

Everything.

That’s the answer I would give you if you asked me how I was. It’s school, work, him, homework. Yes. School and working are stressing me out. However, as of right now, school is way more important than work. I would rather go to school now than work. That’s what everyone would rather do right? Who likes going to work anymore? No one, that’s who.

March 20th, 2011 today. No, I’m not going to bring it up, I promise. I would look even more pathetic than I do now. I won’t be seeing him this weekend. No biggie.. or is that a lie? Is it a big deal?  Yes and no. Yes because I love hanging out with him, no because I want him to hang out with friends and I have work/ homework to do. I MUST start putting more effort into the homework rather than anything else around me. It’s not that I’m saying I don’t put my heart into what I do, I’m stating that I need to work harder.

This semester is kicking my ass. Seriously. It’s so much different from community college, let me tell you. The comparison is not even equivalent.

I miss him. I need him right now. It’s not even as a boyfriend, more as a friend. I feel like I’m losing him. Am I? Who knows. All he’s been doing lately is working. All he ever says anymore is, “I gotta get going.” Or atleast, that’s what it feels like. 

Can’t you tell my life is superb. : ) Gosh, yes, I know.  Relax the next time you wish you were me.

The next few weeks will truly suck. Honestly and seriously. I am NOT looking forward to them.

It doesn’t matter anymore, really. It’s just this big, huge hump I’m 96 % over, 4 % of me is STILL holding onto this fantasy of him. Come on, already. Gosh, I’m so stupid for doing this to myself.

Can you even imagine that a few months ago I was worse than this. Yeah, it’s hard to believe.

I tell myself, “Chin up sweetheart, things will get better.” They have to right?

Everything.

I love you guys.

XOXO.

Whateves.

The song that is playing in my ears is “King of Anything.” Do you know that song? If not, it’s by Sara Bareilles. This song doesn’t have any real meaning to my life, I just love it. You should really see the video. Here’s the link. http://www.youtube.com/watchv=eR7-AUmiNcA

Think of a song that has meaning in your life. The funny thing is some songs are just out there to listen to, then there are others that stir up feelings when you hear them. What song has meaning for you and why?

In life, there are also items that are worthless to one person, but to another person, they mean the world. Have you ever thought of that? For example, I have this dress that I love because I wore to one Valentine’s Day of last year while I was dating Reg. It’s red, glittery, spaghetti strapped and has a red belt around the waistline. If girls saw this dress they would say it’s pretty, but for them there is no meaning behind it. It’s just a dress to them. Do you have an item that you cherish that people would think is crap?

So my spring break is almost over [which really sucks because it was supposed to be an awesome time where fun only happens]. I guess that is only in the movies, huh?

Back to school next week. It’s not that I don’t like school, it’s awesome, it’s just that I got assigned too much homework for it to seem like a break. They call it a break for a reason, right, hello?

Do you believe spring is in.. 8 days. It will be a week tomorrow. Are you ready for spring? I mean, I am, but then is summer, which is where you sweat and the seasons will  just keep rotating.

Don’t you feel as if nothing ever changes? It’s always the same. I don’t just mean the seasons: winter, spring, summer and fall, I mean in general also. You go to work. You go to school. You have hobbies. You have family. You have a significant other. You have a house. You have money. What is that called? Oh, yes, life, right? Whateves. Can’t that just be the answer to everything? Someone asks you if you have money: whateves. Do you have a car: whateves.

That would be fun.

Well… I love you guys. XOXO.

Whateves. : )

The stuff.

Right now, this second, it’s 11:47 on March 6th, 2011. By the time I submit this to be published, it will be the 7th.

One year today. It’s been one year since Reggie and I broke up, TODAY. How strange? One year ago today so many thoughts were streaming through my mind [still are]. It sucked. My gosh did 2010 suck so bad. 2011 isn’t really that far behind so far. Yeah. 

Nothing matters anyway. Why should it? Why do I have to care about anything anymore? Is it a law to care? No. I mean, I don’t really have like hardcore feelings for him anymore, but there’s still something there. And I believe there will ALWAYS be. Come on. It’s enough already. Seriously. 

He came over 630 and left by 9. All we did tonight was talk. Nothing else. We might be doing something next sunday. We will see.

Spring Break this week. I work tues,thurs,sat.

 Even though I’m going to school and such, I just feel like nothing is ever good enough. The truth is I was never a happy kid. Come on. I just put on an act. Think back to my childhood. I would always look so freekin miserable. I don’t know why because I had a nice childhood. Two parents. Two brothers. Friends. Pretty face. What was the problem? It was me. And it still is.

11:56pm Think about what YOU were doing a year ago today, right now. Were you happy? Were you sad? Did you feel complete?

I believe that I’ve never really felt complete. I mean, I don’t think I really know what that feels like.

How can you feel so lonely, yet there are millions of people out there? Answer me that one. How is that possible?

Maybe you feel the same way? If so, email me hopeandlove89@gmail.com  

I love you guys.

XOXO.

Time.

12:00 p.m I am writing this. Today has now changed from Wacky Wednesday to Thirsty Thursday.

Don’t you think how crazy it is to go from 11:59 to 12:00. Even though it is literally one minute. If you told me, it’s 11:59, I would still credit it as being Wednesday. Some other people would complain and say, “Just tell me it’s Wednesday.” No, the time makes a difference. Think about it. It’s huge. Maybe today was the worst day of your life and you look forward to the 12:00.

Time is very valuable these days. Either there are people dying, people crying or people spying. There are so many things to say, yet never enough time to say them.

Do you ever feel as if NOTHING matters anymore? I sure do sometimes. Everyone has felt like this at least once in your life. Come on! When have you felt like this?

12:07 on Thursday, March 3rd. Yes, this month spring comes. This is what I mean by time. The time. Can you believe it’s already March 2011? Think about all the years you’ve been alive. Think about how new everything is now-a-days. New technology. New economy. New.

Yes.

If you would like to respond to anything I’ve post, feel free.

I love you guys.

XOXO.