‘These deep inner feelings’

The nervousness kicked in as the clock approached closer and closer to 8:00 pm. It always did right before he called, no. matter. what. At the time, I was doing homework and tried to concentrate as best as I could. His name appeared in black on the red background of my virgin mobile loft cell phone. The smile just formed on my face if I saw or heard his name; so presumably, I clicked the “answer” button with a cheery “hello”. The “how are you” was very important because I don’t say it the same way I asked him. I told him a few things about myself then switched to him saying, “I almost got into a car accident last night.” The “cheery” tone turned into a sympathetic one. As he described his mistake of switching into the exit lane too quickly, my expression changed into a concerned look. The whole mood moved to sympathy when he explained to me how terrible he felt when this occurred. He said it was his fault. Then he told me he felt like shit. To add to this almost collision, his life was nothing like he envisioned in being. As he spoke about the way he was feeling, I closed my eyes to ‘feel’ everything he was expressing to me. You see, he doesn’t just tell anyone ‘these inner deep feelings.’ In fact, I am the only one he told. So for him to share this information with me was him letting me into his world. I have to return the favor back by listening and offering him any advice. But the main thing he wanted was someone to talk to. He began to tell me how he just wanted to go to bed and end the night. Then this morning he woke up and didn’t want to start his day. He told me these past few days have been a nightmare for him because of the current situation he’s in. The tears always formed in my eyes when he spoke like this because all I wanted for him was happiness and that clearly wasn’t happening any time soon. But then he would talk about how he’s trying to find a girl and I sometimes became jealous because I thought to myself “Aren’t I the girl?” You have to realize him and I dated for a year and a half and our break-up wasn’t ever supplied with a “go our separate way,” period, so I didn’t have time to grieve. Honestly, if I were to re-do our break-up, I wouldn’t change anything because he was always my best friend. There was no way I could separate myself from him. And to sit here lending my ear to him in this rocky time he went through was best because he needed me. I don’t care if anyone agreed or disagreed. The whole thing was He. Needed. Me. Even if he won’t admit it, I believed in my heart I must stay around to help him. I love him. As our phone call ended, I became depressed. He was not at all happy about his life. It lead me to think, “What am I doing wrong?” I know I shouldn’t think that, but if you understood, and I mean ‘really’ understood, you wouldn’t have asked me, “Why aren’t you putting yourself first?” You. Would. Just. Know.


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