Tribute to Edwin Joseph.

Today marks the 10-year anniversary of my cousin Eddie’s passing and I want to dedicate this to him. Some of the events of this day I don’t exactly remember, but I will try my best. RIP Eddie. I love you..

It is the morning of May 27th, 2001 and all is well because TODAY is my younger brother’s 8th birthday. We don’t have any real plans, we only know we would have a relaxing day.

It is a nice, sunny day outside and just like other birthdays in my house, if the one with the birthday desires something special, such as a meal or anything else, we will get it for them. Throughout the day we would do activities that he wishes to do because it IS, ‘his’ special day.

Around 5:00 or so, we all sit under the carport of my house. We chat. Then we receive a phone call to inform us that Eddie had swallowed a thumb tack and is being rushed to the hospital. I believe it is grandma who called us. We think nothing of it because I guess she seemed to be rather calm. Also, she must have said it was under control because we didn’t act upon this phone call. However, I DO remember my father being a little uncertain of the situation. He didn’t have a good feeling. But, we continued to celebrate Shawn’s day.

Later on, around 7 or so, I am typing up an essay I had to do for chorus. The reason is I never felt like staying after for the meetings and I had to this to make up for it. Honestly, I just write a bunch of bullshit because I don’t care. So, my dad is in the shower. I believe Paul and Shawn are in Paul’s room watching tv. My mom heard the phone ring and runs for it. I sat there thinking of more lies and bullshit I could write for this essay when I hear my mom murmur, “What? Are you serious? Em?” She was whimpering a bit while talking to my grandma on the other line.

I stopped. Cold-stoned stopped. My heart beats a mile a minute and I wonder what my grandma on the other side is saying to my mother to make her so upset. Here, she tells me Eddie died. I have to stop what I’m doing because I can no longer concentrate on this meaningless essay. I follow my mom, who goes into the bathroom to let my father in on the news she has just received. My father commented with an “I knew it. I knew something would happen. I had a bad feeling.” When he gets out of the shower, and we are all ready. We head to Lower Bucks Hospital.

The cake for Shawn is immediately put on hold, just like the rest of his festivities,such as his presents. Everything would have to be halted to absorb this news we are given. The ride there is sad. I didn’t know what to expect since “I” am merely 11 years old. I am scared.

As we walk into the lobby of the hospital, we all go back into this room where my Uncle Rich and Aunt Kathy are. This room is one of the worst parts of the day. You should have saw the two of them. I feel sick, scared and all of the above. I have no idea how my brothers feel as we watch them cry and hug one another. Then we are taken to this little room where my cousin Eddie is laying on this table. Cold and pale. I am so afraid to touch him. I don’t like touching dead people, it creeps me out. I just stare at him. My family and I hadn’t seen him or my other family in a long time, so to see him laying there, not being able to ever talk to me, hug me, kiss me, tell me he loves me, grow up and be a close cousin of mine made me feel devastated.

All of us went outside and meet up with my Aunt Theresa and my other cousins. I recall my cousin Cass telling me she saw Eddie a few weeks prior to this and he was asking for ME. She said he told her he missed me and I was one of his favorite cousins. You don’t understand what this did to me inside. I am heartbroken.

We all went back to my Uncle Rich’s house. What I remember most was my two cousins James and Melissa crying on separate couches. The story that I got was James, Eddie and one of James’s friends were playing this game where one had to suck in and spit this thing out. What happened was Eddie’s got caught in his throat and wouldn’t come out. My cousin Melissa was babysitting the two of them, while my aunt and uncle went out for bingo. She tried to help and the fire department also tried assisting, but it was too late.

Also, I recall it raining and Melissa, my cousin Holly and I sat in my uncle’s car and Melissa kept saying that it was her fault. We told her it wasn’t, but that didn’t make her feel any better. She just felt so helpless. Holly and I tried to make some jokes, but it was such a terrible situation, it hardly worked.

We stayed over there for a few more hours and then left.

The next thing is the viewing/funeral, which out of my 21 years of being alive was probably the most tragic one I’ve been to.

This was the first time I had ever seen my father cry. As we said our goodbyes, I heard my father cry, not even to just see him cry, but listening to it made me feel ill. The whole time I held my composure because I had to be strong for Cass, who had tears in her eyes sitting close to me. I knew I couldn’t show any tears because then she would start to really cry. I stayed strong. Don’t think just because I didn’t cry I wasn’t in pain by the experience.

Edwin Joseph Ness loved the Rugrats. He had Tommy Pickles items by his casket. Us cousins, Shawn, Eddie, Cass, James and I used to play Rugrats. I was Angelica, Shawn-Phil, Cass- Lil and Eddie and James would argue over being Tommy. But we truly knew that Eddie was Tommy and James was Chuckie.

The ride over to the burial was rough. I remember riding in a limo with my Uncle Rich, one of his family members and the 5 of us. When we got to the site, we had to say the final, final goodbyes. It felt so empty. He was only 6 years old and his life was shorten. He was supposed to graduate from elementary school, go through puberty, date girls, drive, be in his first relationship, get his first job, graduate middle school, high school, college, get married, have kids. It was all taken away from him by some stupid boy who brought over a stupid game.

Today is May 27th, 2011 and even though we are celebrating Shawn’s 18th birthday, we are still remembering a little boy who wasn’t given enough time to live. Life is not fair sometimes. It makes me choke up to think about all these moments in life he missed. I miss him very much and I love him. How could you not love a boy who was so quiet and so well-behaved that he brought light to whom ever came in contact with him?

How could you ever be able to forget him? I know I won’t..

So, in sum, this is for you Edwin Joseph, this is YOUR tribute.

xoxox.

It’s okay to be a dork.

Here’s something for you to answer: Do you ever wish you were someone else for a day? The opposite sex? A celebrity? I know a lot of people think of these things. To be honest, I used to wish I were a Kardashian. I know what you’re thinking, why? It’s because their life looked so glamorous and exciting.  But now, I see all around in magazines that all three of them are having problems with the men they want to spend the rest of their lives with.

 The point is, never wish you were someone else. You never know, behind closed doors your life could be better than the person you would rather be. Today I wished to be Hope Kumor. Now it’s your turn to desire to be yourself.

Do you rely on someone or yourself? The answer should be both. If you don’t start depending on yourself now, then when will you? I admit that I count on my brother too much to help me. I guess in a way, I’m scared that I will make a mistake and will ruin something I do. But people make errors, nobody’s perfect.

Have you ever thought about the role you play in society? We learned about therapy the other day in psychology. And the professor talked about how each person plays a part in meetings and in life. She mentioned a mother, who is the fixer, the leader, who won’t be quiet and the loafer, who never talks. Think about this in your own life.

Which role do you play? Do you have someone in your class who bugs the heck out of you? A person who is so quiet you don’t even know the sound of their voice?

Did you know there are movies out there that symbolize what our world is about? For example, [500] Days of Summer. Have you ever heard of it? If you haven’t, it’s a story about love. It’s not the same situation where the girl and guy are together forever. It’s actually the opposite. The two don’t marry. The girl in the movie, Summer, meets another guy later on in the movie and weds with him. Of course, she breaks up with the guy, Tom first. They hang out and have fun. It’s not your typical storyline. If you would like to know more about it, rent it.

Haven’t you noticed romance movies are all the same? The male and female aren’t destined to date, then after a while they realize that they need each other. I believe almost every time I already know what is going to happen. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not putting down these movies. I love them. But I’ve just observed they’re all the same plot.

Tell me this, how many of you ever felt like an outsider? I bet everyone has at least once in their life. Even the well-liked people feel this way. That’s another thing I don’t get, why do you have to be popular to fit-in? Why can’t everyone just be apart of a group? It’s not fair that there are loners in this world.

How can someone feel so alone when their surrounded by so many people? I guess it’s because they aren’t close to anyone. Maybe they haven’t formed a bond that’s so strong nothing will destroy it. I feel bad for those people.

This is what I want everyone to do, make a list of all the good things about yourself. See how it makes you feel. Do it today.

I don’t know about everyone, but I don’t like to be in a room with too many people. It’s a little overwhelming if you ask me.

When my family used to go places, my dad would say once in a while, ‘It’s going to be so crowded; I don’t know if we should go.’ My brothers and mom would say so what, let’s go anyway. That could be a reason why I don’t like too many others around.

I was watching Sydney White last week. Ever heard of it? It is about Sydney, who is starting her first year of college, and isn’t a girly girl. Her mom, who went to the same school, was a sorority girl and passed away when she was 9. Sydney wanted to be in the kappa sorority. It appeared she didn’t get into it because she was flirting with the head girl, Rachel’s, so-called boyfriend.

She ran for president and wanted freedom for these seven dorks she met. Everyone hated Rachel and Sydney won. Sydney claimed that she was a dork. It’s okay to be a dork, the message was. All people can be this way sometimes.

 I read, so I guess that makes me a dork. Name something you do that you’re proud of being a dork for.

You can e-mail me at hopeandlove89@gmail.com if you like.

Death is a scary thought.

Lonely. You must know the definition of this word by now. If you don’t, this is from the “Oxford English Dictionary” Lonely: dejected because of want of company or society; sad at the thought that one is alone; having a feeling of solitariness. Do you think this sounds like the meaning of loneliness? The question that stands is if our society is filled with SO many people, how can one feel lonely? How is it possible? Could it be true? If so, why do I feel this way today? I mean today was my last final. Maybe I feel this way because I’ve learned that the semester is truly over. I will NEVER be able to take this batch of classes again. I am so happy to be done the semester, but it’s still sad.

I feel something coming. I don’t know where it’s coming from or what it is, but I feel it. I promise I FEEL it. It’s so sickly disgusting that I might throw up.

Death is a really hard subject in general. Let’s face it, people try to avoid the subject because they are afraid of it or it “shouldn’t be talked about.” This is a serious matter and sometimes you must talk about it. It’s too scary. I know. I realize that, however, it will happen to EVERYONE at some point. Honestly, I am scared to death of death, no pun intended. Most of the time when you ask someone what is their biggest fear, death will take the cake. It will usually be #1 on almost everyone’s list.

Now, the question is, why is it so scary? Well the reason is one doesn’t know what happens after they die. Also, the one who dies will NEVER come back. I believe ‘that’ is what undertakes the whole subject of death for me.

Furthermore, coming back to my first idea, I also believe lots of people die of loneliness. This is particularly present especially among older couples whose spouse dies earlier than should in their marriage. They can’t bear the thought of living without them, so they might commit suicide.

These are ALL scary things, but one must grasp one thing, it’s life. I know it IS a big deal, however, at the same time, this occurs every day. Do you realize there is someone dying RIGHT now as I write this?

Wrap your brain around that..

XOXO