The change that should have come.

I sat there looking out the window of the train I was taking to go to school trying to tell myself I was ready for something new, a change rather. It made me sad to think that things had to alter in my life because I was so used to the ways things were.

Just then, he smiled at me. That smile, it took my breath away. I KNEW I had seen him the other day at my work. Oh, yeah, I noticed him looking at the section I was standing near trying to re-shelve books.

The whole day my mind wouldn’t think about anything but him. I just knew SOMETHING was going to happen between us. I couldn’t tell you what, in my heart, I had a feeling.

So, the following week, he sat on the train with me and we began talking. I liked talking to him right off the bat. No question. The whole time, he kept the conversation going. Then, we departed as he went to one building and I, another.

At least, a week and a half went by before I saw him again on the train. However, this time, someone else sat with me. When I saw him, my heart beat at a rapid pace and the guy I sat with, was one of my hermanos’ friends. In reality, I wanted to talk to him. As we came to our stop, I pssted him. He smiled.

We talked and talked. I was mesmerized by him. He remembered my name and major. I figured that was a good sign. This was only our second interaction and we parted without any real knowledge of when we would see one another.

I KNEW what I had to do. Since he was such a nervous, shy guy, I would have to step up. I would have to hand him that piece of paper, or at least, bring it up.

The next time we conversed, the moment came when I gave him my number. He was shaking. It was cute. If I knew that this would have happened, those numbers wouldn’t have left my mouth, but they did. I was excited, yet sad at the same time. I was scared and gosh was I SO afraid of all of it. Was I ready for something new?

I’m pretty knowledgeable about that 3-day rule that guys follow and I was thinking, “Okay, now I must wait 3 days until he texts me.”

Nope. He texted me an hour later asking me to go to a concert with him.  We texted those next few weeks. He would text me the most random things and I loved it. I’ve never had that and it was certainly a change.

Then, the next Monday, we saw each other and set-up a date for that Friday. Later that morning, he texted me and told me I looked pretty.  This was happening all so fast and I wasn’t positively ready for it, but it was time.

Friday came. We discussed the plans. Everything was set.  But was I? No. I was so upset. You don’t understand how I felt about my past boyfriend and I just wasn’t sure. It was dumb. Don’t ask. Stupid.

He would have to meet my parents. Whenever I go out with a guy, they like to meet him. I KNEW that they would like him. I just knew. Really?  I THOUGHT I knew. Sometimes you can be wrong.

The date was wonderful. From the hand holding. How he told me things about his sister. His attire. How cute he looked. How he listened. How he ordered my food & paid for it. How he opened doors for me. How he listened to me talk about my brother. How funny he was. How excited he was about the concert. To how well we connected. It was just… too perfect. Too good to be true. Too much.

As we watched that concert, thoughts ran through my mind. You wouldn’t even believe it. It went from, “Do I want to enter into this world with this great guy or tell myself I’m not ready and continue on  talking to my former boyfriend?”  What do I want. What do I want. What the hell do I want.

I swear I would have chosen that world. Where it was new and fun and just a change. It would have been.. the change that should have come.

Twice we held hands. Twice. I knew he was special. He got off at his stop first. He doesn’t drive, so we took the train together and would separate when his stop came.  The dynamic altered a little bit on the ride home. He was a little.. distant. I didn’t think too much of it. I knew how he felt about me and I felt the same. He left me with a kiss on the cheek, a look back and a smile. It was odd. What happened?  I was confused. It was empty. I felt empty because this date was so spectacular and he gets off the train in this manner.

We texted on the weekend. But, when we got to Monday, we ate lunch together, which wasn’t planned. It just kind of happened. He was absolutely distant then. Something happened between Friday and Monday.  I was so confused, yet again.

Well, I found out why he was so distant. He actually likes the same-sex. I was hurt to say the least. It crushed me because even though I didn’t know him too well, I liked him so much!

I would say the next 3 weeks we barely talked.  I texted him about 2 Fridays ago and he never wrote back.  So, I guess he is officially out of the picture. I figure he will randomly text me one day, just out of the blue.

I REALLY did want to talk more about the situation, but it’s over.  I started thinking about holidays and everything.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. We probably would have seen each other and all. Nope. Well, I just have to accept this and move on. It takes me SO long to move on. I’m the type that hangs on for dear life. It’s hard for me to let go. I can’t. But I have to.

I needed a change. A new beginning. I will get it.. someday.

❤ Hope Kumor

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