2012? Really?

Days go by in the blink of an eye. Here comes Sunday then Monday and then Tuesday, etc. The cycle continues, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year. Nothing changes. The same days come and go without any notice. There’s no stopping a new year from coming. Even if you prolong it, nothing you do will matter.

2012 will be here in about 23 hours. Think of all the accomplishments you made this year, all the struggles you endured, all the pain you went through, all the triumphs you overcame & mostly, all the great memories that occurred in 2011.

It’s depressing to think that this year is over. After all, didn’t it just start. Didn’t I just begin pursuing my english degree at Temple? I swear. Didn’t flowers just bloom various shades of pinks, blues & purples? I promise. Didn’t summer just begin with a trip to Chicago and the hot sun beating down on us.

Is it seriously about to be 2012? With all the myths, predictions and theories about this year? Are we really here already? I don’t feel like 2011 is over though.  Do you feel it? Are you ready for another long year?

The thoughts begin to form in my mind about this year. OF course there will be change. You can’t avoid that. It’s a given.

Then, it happens. I begin to remember all the things about 2011. The smells. The fears. The wonders. The difficulties. The sadness. The gloom. THE CHANGE.

The two biggest events by far that have happened in the year 2011 was my brother moving to Knoxville to pursue his master’s degree at University of Tennessee & my younger brother graduating from high school.

Me? There will nothing. No new chapter that began. The same damn thing happened to me. I continued on the same bridge, while others fled. They altered their plans and went a different route. They moved from one thing to the next.

In this upcoming year, I hope that things get better for me. Maybe my life will have some zest. Let’s add some flavor this time.

Just think in about 23 hours we will leave 2011 behind and enter into 2012.

Let’s start this year off right everyone!.

XOXO.

The card.

There were a bunch of presents neatly tucked under the bright Christmas tree. The lights flashed their purples, reds, yellows, oranges, pinks and greens. It was Christmas. Even though there was no sign nor any real proof, the date read: December 25th. That’s all we need to know. This is the only way of knowing that today is that day.

It started out waking up at 9:00 a.m. to “Merry Christmas Darling” by Karen Carpenter. Her vocals were the perfect type to wake you up out of a deep sleep. They weren’t loud or raspy, nor were they booming and startling. The pill from the night before sat in my stomach and I felt nauseous. Ever since getting four of my wisdom teeth pulled, my mouth hasn’t felt the same. But, I figure, in a matter of a few days, everything will be back to normal and I won’t have to chew with my two front teeth.

My older brother comes in saying “Merry Christmas” while I groan something about going back to bed. It was the morning of December 25th and gifts were waiting to be opened. They sat patient for about four days and could no longer stay put to be unwrapped.

The best friend was coming over around 10:45 a.m., so we could exchange gifts. Breakfast had to be made for me since if I didn’t eat, I would have passed out. I felt like I was going to vomit.

After the completion of breakfast, we all gathered together to hand out the presents.

The thoughts that encircled my mind were: doesn’t one think it’s peculiar  to set-up a tree to keep gifts under to give to your family or loved ones? What’s the point? Is the whole point of Christmas to buy something for another person?  Why can’t it be about families spending time with one another? Does it always have to center around the gift process? It should be more about family than anything.

As my brothers & I unwrap our packages, we observe to see what one another has received.  The time passes by 10:45 and the Virgin Mobile loft vibrates with a text message stating, “Hey I will be over between 1115 and 1130. But i will stay an hour.” This is fine since it is Christmas and there has to be time spent between him and his family as well.

After the time strikes 11:45, the looks and whispers circle around the room. Where is he? Will he be here soon?

Then, there is a knock on the door around 11:55. It’s him.

When the hellos are exchanged between the mom, dad and brother, him & I venture into my room. This is where we give one another the gifts.  As I hand him my wrapped package, I tell him that there is another one on the way and this is the only one I have for him right now.

He nods and hands me two cards & a long box in wrapping paper. I watch him open up the card I bought him. Then, I begin to rip mine little by little.

The card.

The card is usually what matters the most. This is the item that has meaning, writing,emotions, and thoughts. Not that the actual present doesn’t have a special existence in my life, the card just contains… “it.”

Here, there is nothing but cut out prints of the 3 Kardashian sisters, reality starts which are talked about amongst him & I.  No writing. Nothing. I feel empty. He says, “I didn’t know what to write.”

After our 4th year of Christmas together going through many obstacles, both up & down, there’s “nothing to write?”  How is that possible? There is ALWAYS something to write.  What is the difference between this year and the past years?  I don’t know what to say. I write about two pages. I always write that amount.  I mean, most of it is the same crap over and over, but I do try to change it up a bit.  Maybe rearrange some words and avoid writing something that sounds completely the same.  What about the other years when you Thanked me for all the nice things I’ve done for you throughout the whole year?  What about that? I guess this year he just didn’t have it in him to write the same shit over AGAIN.  I mean, how many more times do I want him to thank me?

Can I really sit here and overanalyze this?  No, let’s just enjoy our last few hours of Christmas, because guess what?  It will only be 364 until next Christmas.

How’s about some homemade pumpkin pie?

I will leave you all with this song.

Enjoy the rest of your holiday…

❤ Hope Kumor

A previous Christmas.

I sat in my grandma’s house waiting to be handed a present. Since I have 8 cousins, and 2 brothers, there were a decent amount of gifts under the tree. The noise level was about a 10 out of 20, so listening to your name being called was hard at times. Everyone would be scattered and with their own parents. Our parents would help us open the bigger gifts that we received. I was near my younger brother, who was 5 at the time, while I was 9.

The tree was decorated with ornaments and garland. Us kids just finished our pizza that we had in a separate room than the parents. We would all gather around and watch my cousin eat a slice of pizza we slide against the kitchen floor. We would all laugh as she ate it in a few bites. It was a cruel thing to do, but she was about 2- years- old and would eat anything. She had no idea what was going on, she was just hungry. Even though this doesn’t sound like much fun, this was the last year we had Christmas together as a family. It was Christmas 2000.

These were the days we would all congregate and converse with one another. There would be something for everyone. No one would get left out or forgotten.  Most Christmas’s would be spent at Grandma’s because she was our leader. After all, she was the root of our family.

After that year, for some reason, our family became distant. We came together during the death of my young cousin in 2001, but after that, we had almost no contact with each other. The next year, our Christmas wasn’t as bright or great as the previous one. The years that followed were filled with emptiness. The family was no longer considered one, rather we were all separated.

Eventually, we came back in contact with one another. It took many years, but now we see one another more so than in the other years. For me, those years felt lonely. Everyone did their own thing. I really have no idea what happened during those years, but the only thing that matters now is that we get together more often now.

The only thing I find sad is that everyone is getting older and we don’t know how many more years that we will be one family. The thought of losing someone in my family, scares the shit out of me. But, honestly, that’s life.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Years to all. XOXO.

❤ Hope Kumor

But I can never have you.

Why would you cause such a stir that I still think about you?

Why would you hold my hand & get close as we talk about the scent of your cologne?

Why would you tell me I looked “really pretty today by the way?”

Why would you make me long for you so much that I can hardly focus on the final papers I have to write?

Your face, it comes into my mind. The longing for you has emerged into a warmth that runs throughout my whole body. I feel so desperate to see you, feel you, breathe you. It’s an overwhelming and sudden feeling.

It’s unexplainable. It’s as if you have taken over my whole being. It’s hard to let go of these sorts of things if you have nothing there to replace it.

I feel dizzy. Currently, my weakness is you. Let’s be real here, I can NEVER attain you. You will never be mine. You are a dream, a fantasy.

I have no desire to concentrate on anything else at the moment. I simply can’t. My emotions are so sporadic that I am unable to normally function. I’m in a bit of a rut.

All around I hear: “You’re a beautiful girl.”  And. blah.. blah.. blah..”  “It will come when you least expect it.”

Can we pause for a second and believe that these phrases are a bunch of crap. Come on, now.

Why is it that “it” happens when you don’t want it and when you do, it doesn’t? Why does it work like that?

I can never have you. None of these feelings, desires, longings matter because we can NEVER be together.

I have a huge problem with moving on. The advice I give to myself is, start to let things go quicker. That would make my life SO much more easier.

I’ve just began to settle into the idea that I have a constant compulsion to create fantasies where my former boyfriend is the one who is there  to fill the void I’m feeling right now. I can’t do it anymore. If I keep walking on that path, then I will always end up being miserable.

How about focusing on school or work or family or my career. That would be one of the smartest decisions I could make.

I have no appetite. I have a bunch of studying to do and it’s difficult to place a full concentration on it.

It’s something that needs to be done.

I MUST be done this subject of You. You need to escape my mind.

If I saw you, hell would break loose. I don’t want to see you. I would be screwed because I can never have you.

❤ Hope Kumor

I’m scared. Are you?

Just sitting here listening to the fish tank in my room make a bubbling noise, meanwhile my clock ticks softly. Other than these two noises, there is silence.

“Are you afraid,” I hear. Nope. I don’t have a fear of silence, nor do I fear sitting alone with myself. When you first start doing it, it is a hard process to just sit and let your mind take over. In this moment, you think of almost anything imaginable. The questions start popping out of nowhere.

“Will I succeed in life?”  “Will I ever be happy?”  “Are the things I’m doing right now fulfilling?”  “Will I get married?”  “Is all of this hard work ever going to pay off?”

These are the types of thoughts that can ruin a person. If you think like this all the time, you might either wear yourself out or have a nervous breakdown trying to find out the answers to these daunting questions.

I’m scared to death. I’ll admit it. I graduate from college next year. Can you believe one year right now, I will have my bachelor’s in english and have to move onto the real world. And gosh am I scared shitless.

I’m terrified of doing something I hate for the rest of my life.

I’m scared the choices I make could be dangerous and steer me in the wrong direction.

And, I’m terrified that my life will become unfulfilling.

I’m sending this message out to all of you: Please decide as soon as you can what you want to do with your life. I don’t want you to end up at a job that you hate so much that you dread waking up in the morning.

Be careful with your choices.

Be safe.