Everything is gone in the blink of an eye.

I hadn’t spoken to him in about a week. We exchange “how are you’s” and after he answers “pretty good” & I ask him why, he says “That’s what I say” and then goes into “Unfortunately, yesterday, my grandma died.” I stopped. As I sat there in the winter chill talking to him on the phone, I had to pause in order to process this information he had just given me. His grandmother. The one I met twice & talked with & thought was the sweetest, passed away yesterday.

I continued with, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry.   Are you okay?” Yes. He was fine, of course, he was fine. How else would he be? More than likely he would never tell me or show me much emotion. He wasn’t allowed. He was taught to shield those emotions from the world & keep them for himself to deal with.

I began to picture all the memories he had with her. You see, in a way, I think I was feeling the emotions that he was hiding. Then, he told me that her funeral was on Tuesday & he wouldn’t be going to work, instead he would be calling out. How on earth can’t you feel remorse for your own grandmother? I mean, yeah, he was sad and he told me that he might be more upset when the funeral approaches, but he was okay when we talked. I figured maybe her death didn’t register with him yet.

He is very disconnected from his family and as he told me, would refuse to hold his mother’s hand on the day of the funeral because it’s “so awkward.” But, isn’t that what family is about? Aren’t they suppose to stick together? I’m terrible at comforting people, but even if it were ‘awkward,’ I would still do it.

After we talked about his grandma for a few, the conversation shifted to, “Do I have green eyes or brown eyes?” This was a complete 180 & I was caught off guard. I said about how random this question was right after such a serious matter. He says, “Well, you only have 15 minutes.” This was absolutely true, since I was at work & only had a few minutes to spare.

When the conversation ended, the thoughts ran through my mind. There is no way that when Christmas or any holiday rolls around that he won’t think about her. She will always be present, even though she won’t physically be there. She will be noticed. After all, she was the one who talked most of the time, while his grandpa sat back and listened to her tell story after story cutting him off even if he uttered a few words. That was her. She did talk about herself a decent amount, but she was so sweet.

The first time I went to his grandmother & grandfather’s house was near the end of December. We were dating & I was meeting them for the first time. His grandma kissed me on the cheek and said it was nice to meet me. His grandpa shook my hand. She was “the talker” of the family. There were a countless amount of times where ‘I’ was swallowed up into her hole. This means, I was the one who had to sit there and listen to her tell me things while everyone around me made sure they would stay as far away as possible so they would avoid being next.

I know he warned me about that before we arrived, but I didn’t care. I liked his grandma and I know she liked me. His aunt lured me away from her to “carry some utensils” out of the room and into the kitchen. Sure, some of the time they helped me out, but, mostly, it was every man for himself. But, he never even tried to save me!

The second time, his grandpa showed me some baby pictures of my then boyfriend. After those, he shared some pictures of him flying planes with me. I thought that was cool and I liked hearing some tales from his perspective. I got to know him a little more than babbling grandma.

I waited at least a minute before I got up off the ground I was sitting on. I had to comprehend this before I entered back through the door of work. I was in a solemn mood after that. I knew her! I spent time with her. I talked with her. And, she was gone.

It’s such a sad thought to think about how one minute someone is next to you, laughing with you and then all of a sudden, they die. It’s life “poof” and it’s all over. The laughter. The smiles. The good times. The bad times. The hugging. Everything is gone in the blink of an eye.

So far I’ve known two people who’ve died in 2012. It’s only the middle of January. So far, 2012 sucks!

XOXO.

I was an unhappy child.

I smile from cheek-to-cheek in front of you. I laugh at almost anything, sometimes to be polite, other times because it’s funny. I am always cheerful and good-spirited.

Are all these characteristics that I’m listing correct? Of course.

But, I bet you didn’t know that most times, it’s an act. Whenever I don’t smile, or don’t act in a happy manner, I’m questioned. I’ve heard others ask me, “Are you okay? You don’t seem lively.” I brush it off and tell them I’m fine.

What? Are you going to sit there and listen to me confess all the problems I’m dealing with or discuss with you how today is one of those days I don’t feel like talking? Do you ever have those days? You’re not in the mood to converse with someone else.

If you asked me, “are you happy?” My honest answer is ‘I don’t know.’ It’s weird to think of the response to this question be that, but it’s true.

Sure. I will sit here & lie to you all you want, I do it already, why not continue the charade. You can’t sit here & tell me that you don’t pretend to be happy around others. Sometimes, it’s just easier to do it.

Even as a child, I was always miserable. I mean, not around other kids. I was unpleasant in my home life. The strange thing is I had a great life. I had the works: wonderful parents & brothers, nice house, many vacations, a numerous amount of activities I would attend, it was perfect. I was the problem, it was me.

I was an unhappy child. I would go through spurts where I was an  incredibly joyful kid, then I would switch back to being gloomy.

I believe middle-child syndrome contributed to my unhappiness. My mom always treated us the same. But, I knew in my heart that she paid more attention to the oldest of the family & the baby. I felt it a little more as a grew up. I knew that it wasn’t really present, but I sensed it myself. My mom is great, wonderful, but I never forgot that feeling. It made me want more attention from her. At times, I think I threw tantrums to get a rise out of her.

You may not know this but, I was an unhappy child.

XOXO.

❤ Hope Kumor

The Versatile Blogger Award.

I feel honored that Purple Pen in Neverland nominated me for this award. I thank her for thinking to select me for:

I understand the rules are as follows:

  1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post
  2. Share 7 things about yourself
  3. Pass this award along to 15 recently discovered blogs you enjoy reading
  4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award

Seven things about myself:

  1. I have such a passion for writing that I live & breathe it every day of my life.
  2. I hope to become a successful novelist and make millions of dollars to give to my family and organizations, as well as myself.
  3. I love to discover new things about relationships so I can help others with their problems.
  4. When I watch reality shows, I become so engrossed in their life that sometimes, I don’t know how to escape.
  5. I love to read books that have meaning to them, such as Albert Camus’s “The Stranger.”
  6. My guilty pleasure is watching romance movies.
  7. When I feel, smell, taste, hear something and it reminds me of a past memory, the writing comes naturally, from the description of the moment to the way I felt at the time.

I’m nominating:

1.  Purple Pen in Neverland

2. http://depresseddorothy.wordpress.com/

3. http://phdincreativewriting.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/how-andrew-porter-became-a-writer/

4. http://jillianchantal.com/2012/01/09/another-movie/

I’m sorry. I don’t know how to tag them. I tried to look up how to do it, but I couldn’t find anything.

XOXO!

January 2nd: The official last day of the holiday season.

JANUARY 2nd reads on my Virgin Mobile Optimus screen. This is it. It’s the last official day of the holiday season. So many people around the globe have off today because it’s considered a “holiday.” There is pay involved, even though there is no work.

The King of Prussia mall is visited on this last day of the holiday season. Trees surround the mall as well as a reindeer, indicating that the holidays are still present. The large Christmas tree with ornaments danced one last time as little kids looked on. Those trees will be gone in a matter of days and the next holiday will be Valentine’s Day. There are no longer songs of joy playing on B101 as I flip through the stations in the car traveling to the mall with my two brothers.

As we walk around the mall and observe all the holiday displays for the last time, I realize I must leave it behind. These past few weeks have gone by so quickly that I could barely catch my breath. What happened to the holidays? I’m sorry, but I don’t really remember them that clearly because they whipped by so quickly. I remember all the preparations that I made a few weeks back, the stress I was under, the pain I endured having my wisdom teeth removed, & the panic I felt as I searched for gifts for my family and friends. It’s all over and again, it becomes depressing. You don’t understand how I feel about this time of year. I love it like a child loves candy. I eat it up so to speak.

But, mainly where my sadness lays is thinking of my brother’s return back to Tennessee. We have all become so comfortable with him being here. He has been here for weeks and when he leaves, everybody will notice. The emptiness will be present and I hate going through it. It’s kind of like a band-aid in a way. I want him to go so I can rip it off & be okay. But, at the same time, I want him to stay because I’m going  to miss him like hell.

We spent our last real day together yesterday, my brothers & I. That was another depressing thing our visit to the KOP as well. I have to begin to get my mind set. I know he will have to depart from PA soon enough and spend most of the year in TN. This will be a hard year because he stays there year round. It will be the first summer that he hasn’t lived at home. I mean, I did it August through December, so I know I can do it again. It’s very painful though. I have to psych myself out. I tell myself that I will be okay. It’s good that he’s exploring the world, making new friends, living by himself, becoming more independent, growing up. This is a positive thing that I need to get used to. I’m talking about in general too.

Remember, I’m next. I will be moving my materials to another location one day. Currently, I don’t make nearly enough to live on my own, but when I do, it will be my turn. I’ve lived with my brother for 22 years & it’s time to separate. Don’t forget about my struggle with letting things go. I have a huge issue with that. I always have and maybe I always will.

These are all thoughts that come out of January 2nd. As the day ends & 12:01 reads on my clock, sadness kicks in. The holidays are over. My dad will begin to take down the lights we took so long to put up. All the decorations that sit in the front yard will come down. The bubbled Santa Clauses and Reindeer that are displayed in front of many people’s houses come down this week. The houses printed in the newspaper to look at are no longer available to visit, since the decorations are being taken down. Everything leaves the yard and is placed into a box. These displays will be unavailable until next Christmas.

I sit here & remember all the days that led up to the holidays. All the moments that took place during the past month. Think about how in 2 weeks today I go back to school to finish out my last spring semester at Temple University. Think about the next few months and what will occur. Think about how I’m going to feel. Think about if will be the year to let more things go at a quicker pace. Think about the end of the year when I finish my schooling at Temple University. Think about how the following months will play out. Will it be a positive year filled with happiness & success or a negative year consumed of depression & unfulfillment? That’s a question that will be answered in the matter of a few months.

January 3rd reads on my computer screen and I begin to wonder if anything spectacular will happen today or what boring things will occur in this 24-hour day.

Let’s see what today brings.

Happy 2012!

❤ Hope Kumor

2012: College Graduation.

Since we are now in the year 2012, let’s put everything out there. It’s not scary like so many others made it out to be. I thought this world would be consumed of frightful figures & dangerous clowns. It is nothing more than the same except it reads: 2012.

This year will be filled with almost as many changes as the previous one. The biggest one will be graduating with a bachelor’s degree in English. It is the scariest, deadliest, & terrifying alteration in my life. This will be the largest transition of my life. I’m running with the big boys so to speak.

No more school to protect me. I will enter into the world of big corporations, adulthood, & masterpiece. I can’t hide under the books anymore. This is no joke, it’s my life we are talking about here.

So, even though the guns will be out and I won’t take this lightly, I need to have fun. I can’t become a stuck-up individual consumed with her studies whose only concern is reading. I realize that fun must be in my vocabulary as well.

We’ve entered into the world of 2012, where big things emerge. “This will be your year” is plastered on my wall. But, really, will it be?

Isn’t that what everyone says once we move onto the next year? People always believe this statement but I’m beginning to question whether it’s true or not. Last year was clogged up with worrying too much about my former bf than myself at times. It’s a new year. We are just friends, nothing more. I’m accepting it and finally moving on after countless months of being attached to him.

Now that it’s over, I can focus on my own well-being. What does Hope Kumor want sort of thing. That sounds like a great plan to me.

What are YOUR resolutions anyway?

XOXO.

❤ Hope Kumor