I was an unhappy child.

I smile from cheek-to-cheek in front of you. I laugh at almost anything, sometimes to be polite, other times because it’s funny. I am always cheerful and good-spirited.

Are all these characteristics that I’m listing correct? Of course.

But, I bet you didn’t know that most times, it’s an act. Whenever I don’t smile, or don’t act in a happy manner, I’m questioned. I’ve heard others ask me, “Are you okay? You don’t seem lively.” I brush it off and tell them I’m fine.

What? Are you going to sit there and listen to me confess all the problems I’m dealing with or discuss with you how today is one of those days I don’t feel like talking? Do you ever have those days? You’re not in the mood to converse with someone else.

If you asked me, “are you happy?” My honest answer is ‘I don’t know.’ It’s weird to think of the response to this question be that, but it’s true.

Sure. I will sit here & lie to you all you want, I do it already, why not continue the charade. You can’t sit here & tell me that you don’t pretend to be happy around others. Sometimes, it’s just easier to do it.

Even as a child, I was always miserable. I mean, not around other kids. I was unpleasant in my home life. The strange thing is I had a great life. I had the works: wonderful parents & brothers, nice house, many vacations, a numerous amount of activities I would attend, it was perfect. I was the problem, it was me.

I was an unhappy child. I would go through spurts where I was an  incredibly joyful kid, then I would switch back to being gloomy.

I believe middle-child syndrome contributed to my unhappiness. My mom always treated us the same. But, I knew in my heart that she paid more attention to the oldest of the family & the baby. I felt it a little more as a grew up. I knew that it wasn’t really present, but I sensed it myself. My mom is great, wonderful, but I never forgot that feeling. It made me want more attention from her. At times, I think I threw tantrums to get a rise out of her.

You may not know this but, I was an unhappy child.

XOXO.

❤ Hope Kumor

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