Will I ever get over him?

You’re destroying me I tell you. I can’t stop. It’s getting pathetic by this point. I guess I’m stupid & won’t ever be able to truly and finally help myself. I can’t. When you told me about another woman my stomach churned. It’s really time to be over this whole bullshit thing, but I can’t.

I can’t even explain it to you. It’s not even that I want you as a boyfriend, it’s more of a “being there” sort of thing. I wanted you so bad today. Just for you be there. What’s the point of talking to you about this? There will be absolutely no words that will leave your mouth except an expression that reads “Why? How? When?” And, when you ask me those questions, I will respond with, “I have no idea.” What’s the point of even having these emotions be out in the open?

It’s disgusting and pitiful. Even though I may seem like one of those really happy go-lucky girls, I’m not. No way.! That’s a joke. You would never guess that I’m a bit depressed. No Clue. Now, this part has NOTHING to do with him. I’m not sad because I can’t have him or anything, it’s just my life is all over the place right now and I’m trying to stay on even ground.

Also, I’ll be graduating this year and I’m so confused with what I want. I have such bad senioritis that I can barely concentrate. It’s terrible, horrible, horrid.

I’m going through such a bad period right now. It’s just about everything. That includes the departure of my brother from here to Tennessee. Even though we will see him in a few days, I miss him so much.

I hate showing any emotions. I hate crying in front of anyone except myself. I would feel weak if I did. That’s how it is.

Honestly, I have no idea how to get over him or if I ever will. I mean, maybe if another guy came into the picture I would finally lose interest in him for good. But, like I said, it’s not even an “I want you as a boyfriend” thing. It’s more of a “I need you” thing. It’s so difficult. I told you, I can’t explain it. No words can describe how I feel about him. NO ONE will E-V-E-R understand.

You can’t sit here and tell me that if I started dated another guy he would be 100% okay with it. You can’t. It’s impossible. The things I do for him. I can’t not help him with something. If that stops, will he be fine with that? I don’t think so. That’s a laugh.

I’m convinced I will never. After we hung out last night, I decided that things will never change. I’m exhausted. Literally. You would tell me DUH!!! Stop hanging out with him. But to be honest, I only see him every other Sunday. That’s all. Sometimes it’s every two weekends. It’s not that. That’s not the problem. It’s me. I’ve created this situation myself. It’s all my fault.!

But, there’s really nothing anyone can say that would change my feelings toward him. I challenge you, tell me SOMETHING to make everything better. Good luck! 🙂

Will I ever get over him?

For “Our Edwin Joseph Ness”

17 years.

17 years ago today a boy was born, his name was Edwin Joseph Ness. He was the youngest of 4. He had curly hair & fair skin. He had a love for Tommy Pickles & he let everyone know it. He had one of the sweetest, cutest faces that at times, you just wanted to eat up. He loved swimming in the pool & playing activities outside with his brother and two sisters. He was the baby of the family, “Our Eddie” my grandmother would say at family gatherings. Of course, this is what she would call everyone at one point or another. “Our Melissa,” for his sister, or “Our James” for his brother.

But, he no longer gets to go swimming because his life was taken away at such an early age it disgusts me, 6 years old. He explicitly said to his mother a few weeks prior to his death that he was going to die. She brushed it off thinking it was one of those little kid things. You know some of those crazy thoughts or ideas kids say or come up with? One of those. But, it wasn’t. It was the truth.

It’s so painful to think about, but today he would have been 17 years old. The thoughts that encircle my mind are he never had a chance to live out his childhood, it was taken away too quickly and was horrid for his brother & sister who witnessed this horrific trauma right before their eyes. I can’t even imagine witnessing my brother go through that. One of his brothers friends brought a thumbtack game that costed “Our Eddie’s” life. He sucked in the device you were suppose to blow out, which caused the thumbtack to get caught in his throat. Even though 9-1-1 was called, it was too late. There wasn’t enough time.

Even though “Our Edwin” is gone, I still think about him a lot. He lives in my heart and mind and I miss him to pieces. I loved my cousin very much & I wish him the happiest birthday today, February 24th!

Happy Birthday, Eddie, my love.! 🙂  I miss you so much. RIP.

Sometimes there isn’t always a happy ending..

You’re sitting there laughing, enjoying and smiling at one another. It’s a precious moment that won’t last forever. It’s a perfect day along with the sun shining. The light breeze blows your hair while you exchange whispers with your best friends about a boy that’s at a bench near the three of you. You are mesmerized by the color of his eyes, his spiky hair, his muscular stance & the way his jeans accentuate his ass. You take notice of all these things in this moment with your best friends on each side of you.

You & your friends make it a once a week get together. You want him to pay attention to you, but he doesn’t. One day, he happens to look your direction & smile. You see that his teeth are white & he has dimples. How cute. He comes over to you and talks to all of you. You feel special because he DOES in fact remember you. He bashfully mentions that he’s seen YOU around here and figured he would come over and talk to you for a few minutes. You are gasping for air. You and your friends nicknamed him “Park boy.” You imagined this day. He was so funny, charming, cute, witty. Everything you wanted.

Next week, he was there again & you guys spoke once more. It was a similar conversation, but with more flirting.

The week after is it. He asked if you wanted to hang out. Everything is set. The both of you would get together and go out for ice cream. You are ready. Hair. Makeup. Attire. It is too good to be true. But it wasn’t.

Then. He never shows. No phone call. Nothing. He stood you up! What a bastard. Your eyes fill with tears, but you try to stay strong. You are an adult. Don’t let this get to you.

But what happened? Was it me? Was he too nervous?

Days go by and all of your friends tell you not to text him. They don’t know that two nights later you did, but he never responds. You let it go. What else is there to do? You couldn’t constantly text him, that would be obsessive.

One morning you are looking in the newspaper and see it. In bold print. His name. His picture. The date of his death. It was The Night. The night you were suppose to go out. Again, your eyes fill with tears. How could you even see this coming? How in the world. Just then, you get a text. It’s from him… What? Is it a joke. Yes. You knew it all along.

But no. It says, “Hello Jackie. This is Kirk’s mom. I’m sorry I didn’t reply to you sooner, but Kirk was killed in a car accident on his way to your house. I know I should have called you and told you that night, but I was so shaken up about it, that I couldn’t. I’m very sorry. He told me all about you. He said how special you were even though you barely knew one another. He would always tell me about this girl in the park who he was too shy to go up and talk to. This is going to sound as heartbreaking to me as it will to you, but he told me he thought you were ‘the one.’ He just knew it. I’m so sorry, Jackie. XOXO. Janet.”

This long text message explains it all. There is nothing left to say. You sit there staring at Kirk’s picture in the obituary section. You can’t move. You are temporary immobile. You have no clue what to do or what is next. Every kind of emotion runs through you, but you can’t speak. You don’t reply back to Janet that day, nor the next day, nor the day after that. You can’t go to the funeral. You know how much it means to his mom, but you can’t bring yourself to go. You can barely hold yourself together in work, so how on earth can you keep your composure at his funeral?

Your friends come over to console you, but nothing works. Your parents, sister and brother try as well, but you just sit there staring at that damn picture in the obituary section of the newspaper. You keep reading the text over and over. You just don’t understand what happened. The questions popped in your mind even if you aren’t thinking about them. How? Why? Who? Where? Even though you CAN find out these answers by texting Janet back,but you can’t bring your fingers to your cell keyboard.

Even though you hardly knew him, the fact that he told his mother YOU were ‘the one’ is what caused all the emotions inside of you. That is the killer. The depresser.

No way. No how. Sometimes there isn’t always a happy ending…

This is a fictional story that started with a happy beginning and then finished with an unhappy ending.  Didn’t see that coming, huh? Never do.

Death, how absurd. How someone can just be laughing with you then gone from this earth. I know I’ve written about this sort of thing before, but as a human being, this kind of comes up. It’s a mind stirrer. I can’t run from it. I can’t flick it off like a bug. I can’t slap it in the face. It will always be sitting there to greet me at the door. I can’t. I absolutely positively indefinitely cannot even fathom the idea of someone that’s so close to me dying. When I think about it, I become ill. Why?

I can ask these questions, but it wouldn’t change anything. It won’t make a difference. There’s never enough time for anything. NOTHING. I’m so sorry to all of the people who had to witness the death of their loved ones. I’m truly sorry, from the bottom of my heart. I swear I do mean it too. I really do.

I LOVE YOU.

❤ Hope Kumor

What does Valentine’s Day mean to you?

So, I posted on my Facebook page: What does Valentine’s Day mean to you?

Even though I only got 4 responses, they’re enough:

“It’s an excuse for businesses to make banking, and for men to get laid.. lol.. but seriously.. it’s a day to celebrate love.. :D”

“It’s a day of mourning.”

“An excuse to eat candy.”

“It’s an orgy of cash and glucose!!!”

Despite enjoying all of the lovely, dovey stuff, in part, I believe it’s a holiday where companies make some real money.

Think about how many people go out & buy cards, candy or anything else “romantic” they can find. Retailers always display all their products out in the open in hopes of selling their merchandise in a quicker manner.

What about flowers? Women love flowers: bright pink, bright red, any kind. Places that sell flowers make a decent amount of money every year. Women are suckers for flowers & candy.

Another store that makes lots of dough this time of year, candy shops. Even though this is all cliché stuff, it will never get old, it will never die. Sorry men. For the rest of your lives, you must give your soul to the candy shops, flower places and card companies around this time of year.

Why not get creative and start a new tradition. How about books? Can’t a book be a product to buy this time of year? Why? Because movies don’t emphasize this so you must steer clear of it? It’s not good enough for you ladies?

I know men, it’s hard to please a lady if you don’t go for a general item. Even if you start your own tradition, she may still wonder when her bouquet will emerge from your hands. She will inquire where you’re hiding her Hershey kisses.

Unless you have a special girl who doesn’t like the cliché, you will be sorry if you don’t pick out the right items.

And, ladies, I guess chocolates never get old? Instead of asking where the candy is this year, just appreciate what he gets you. Guess what? He didn’t have to get you a thing.

I’m not bitter, I just think that companies are out to get us, that’s all.

Happy pre-Valentine’s Day, my loves!

Let me know how it goes. Post it here!

❤ Hope Kumor

The special feeling that emerges when invited to parties with him.

June 25th, 2011: The day is set.

I am going with him to his dad/ girlfriend’s picnic. There is a slight chance of rain, but that doesn’t stop us from having it. He works this morning & we go around 3:30.

I am more so looking forward to it because I like spending time with his dad. I can’t really describe how I feel about going over there. I just feel special knowing his family, being invited, & helping him with things. I’m the type that likes to make people happy. In a way, I strive to do things for him so he can tell his dad & then he will realize that I am good for his son. It’s not a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, it’s more of a “I like to be needed.” I can’t explain it too well, I just feel welcome at his dad’s.

I am always nervous when we arrive. Not knowing who will be there, besides his dad & girlfriend makes me apprehensive. I don’t want to follow him like a puppy dog, so I usually scope out who is there I can talk to.

His dad’s gf, Sue greets me with a hug. Then, does the same to him. She tells us that his dad is in the back & if we wanted anything to drink or eat, don’t be afraid. When we walk to the backyard, we see his dad & his 2 uncles. His dad gives me a hug and they all ask how we are. The sun is blazing, but it turns out to be a nice day.

Then, his dad tells us to sit down & he shares a story with his dad, which he regretted later. You see, sometimes his dad makes situations worse than they are, which in turn makes him not want to tell him something.

His father’s friends were sitting around busting his dad, like the other party I attended. This is a funny sort of thing that I feel included in. I know the jokes, I’ve heard them before & never feel left out.

As the party continues, he asks me if I want to take a walk. Sure, why not? This is where he tells me he is bored & doesn’t know what to say to his family. His own family & there were no words left to mutter. How is that possible? Just the way it is.

Eventually we go back and a crazy woman, whom I met before comes up and starts talking to me. Just to give you a bit of an insight on her. She’s a bit eccentric & speaks in a very loud tone. Even though she’s weird, I like her.

“I” am in my clutch the whole rest of the party. There is no way getting away from her. She always comes back. She is like a leech that never wants to leave you. At the same time, I don’t want to be rude just randomly walking away from her. Everyone around me knows that I was in trouble, but no one steps in to save me, except him & Sue’s son.

They ask me if I want to play bean toss. DUH! Finally, I am out. I stay with them until we leave the picnic. Even though I am terrible at that game, as is Sue’s son, but it is all in fun.

There is one thing we all notice. After I do my thing with the boys, she is silent. No words come out of her mouth. She is solemn & relaxed. She isn’t herself. She is comfortable being “her” with me, but as I play, the volume of voices gets lower.

We all have such a great time.

But, I always have fun with him. He is my best friend. I just want what’s best for him & I would help him out in ANY WAY I can.

As we leave, we say bye to everyone, but somehow missed saying bye to crazy woman. How is that possible?

I always have a special feeling when I attend events where his family is at. All the time.

❤ Hope Kumor

The big confusion on Valentine’s day.

I woke up in a cheery mood as I looked at the date on my Virgin Mobile cell phone.

February 14th, 2010: I was so excited what this day would entail. I just got flowers yesterday from my then boyfriend & he did so well. I was so proud of him.

Our plans were to go to Longwood Gardens in our outfits I picked out, him in a button-up red shirt, me in a red dress with white stockings. Everything was set. It was perfect. Except for the way I was feeling. I was a bit unsure about us at the time & just brushed it off, not thinking about it, merely ignoring myself.

When he arrived in his attire, I greeted him with a “You look so nice, hun.” He did. Honestly, I could have eaten him up that day. He did so great driving, not flipping out, not running over any curbs. He panics sometimes when he drives & does stupid stuff.

The flowers at the garden were so pretty & we really enjoyed ourselves. I would do these cute things and he would smile and laugh. We always had such a nice time. Our connection was strong. But, I think it was more of a friendly connection than a romantic one. The whole day we held hands & I began to wonder “Am I in a relationship because I’m afraid to be single?” These were when the serious doubts kicked in. I contemplated all day about that question. Though, I didn’t let it ruin my awesome day with a great guy.

We left by around 4:45. When we got into the car, we traded cards. For me, I had SUCH a hard time writing in his card. Usually the words just flow, but this time, it took me a while to come up with something.

I began to think all of these thoughts a few weeks prior. I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t know how much longer I could be his girlfriend. Just all of these things got annoying. I HATED thinking all of this, but it was coming true.  I fought with myself about it because I didn’t want to hurt him. No way could I just break up with him & be okay with it. I had to consider his feelings at the same time. I wrote in my journal “Even if we do break-up, I still want him to be my best friend.” I just KNEW it was coming.

Later on, my mom took some cute pictures of us. Around 10:00 we sat by the fire. It was so romantic to be in front of the fire on Valentine’s Day cuddling. Before he left, he warmed up his car for a few then came back in and laid on me. That made me really sad. Here I was so unsure whether I still wanted him to be my bf & he’s laying on me. I liked him SO much, but part of me wasn’t there. I still wanted him, but didn’t. It was such a confusing time in my life.

Later that night I cried. I cried because I was confused & I didn’t know how I got that way. What happened?

It was the BIG confusion on Valentine’s Day…

❤ Hope Kumor

The paper carrying days.

5:00 a.m. would hit & my alarm would go off.

I looked at my clock and made a groan. It was 5:00 already! It was time. I forced myself out of bed so I could help my brother fold newspapers. We would always deliver them early in the hopes of not seeing anyone we knew.

As we wrapped them up in the rubber band, we talked. Then, we gathered our candy, bags & headed out. The dark, cold chill would hit us as soon as we exited the house.

Our route was on the next street so we didn’t have to walk far. We were about 12 and 14. Our tradition was to put whichever candy we chose into our mouths at the corner, right before we separated. Him on one side, I on the other. We would try to compete to see who got done faster. To this day, I still believe I had more houses than him. He always beat me. Always. Though, it was all in fun.

The drive was our next place to go. Those were his houses. Then, as we got further down, I began delivering. You see, we took turns. Those were good times with my brother. On Sundays, my younger brother would accompany us. One week he would help me and the next time he would assist my brother. It was a trade-off.

We got paid. We were reliable. We would always have the papers on time, right location. The worst was collecting money from houses. There were times when they didn’t have the money & that meant we had to come back. Again. That was the worst because it was in the daylight.

My brother & I liked the dark so no one could see us. We were a little embarrassed to be considered “paper carriers.” It wasn’t one of the coolest jobs, but we accepted it. We made do with it.

Sometimes I miss those days. It’s sad to think that those years are gone, but it wasn’t all bad. My brother & I got closer at the time. We shared that job & did very well. When we had to quit, our manager was very disappointed because we were such a good team.

Those were the paper carrying days…

Break-ups are hard to digest.

Have you had a recent break-up where it is so painful that you are barely getting by? Were you madly in love with this person and they didn’t want to be a couple anymore? This kind of stuff happens everywhere in the world atleast once. Don’t think that it’s only you who has to suffer. Just know that there are others like you out there. I’m here to assist you, so don’t fear. I will be giving relationship advice. If you are wondering “why should I listen to her, what qualifications does she have?”  Well, I was the relationship columnist at my past college and these are my ideas on how to help you with your relationship or life in general.

First of all, we are still young. At this point, we are in college trying to pursue our career, while other things are happening. I believe this is both the peak and the pit of our lives. All of it is so confusing, making so many decisions; such as ending a relationship, starting one, getting married, or just finding yourself. It’s a difficult process, I know.

I realize that some of you might be so consumed in a relationship that when breaking up suddenly happens, you have no clue what to do. First, I know that if you are in love with the other person and they say they “need a break” it’s almost traumatic. Feel free to cry for the first few weeks because it hurts when you find out they are no longer in love with you while you could be possibly planning your wedding out, for example. I mean, every relationship is different. There could be many reasons why they broke up with you. Some reasons might be blatantly obvious, some not so much.  Either way, this is the time to take some serious “you” time.

Whether your relationship was months or years, it still mattered. Someone I work with said the other day “However long you dated, it takes about that much time to get over them.”  I agree with her because it took me a LONG time to get over my former boyfriend. The first few weeks/months will be hard, then eventually you will let go of them and find another.

I believe after about 3 months, you should put yourself out there again, depending on how the situation with them ended. Either way, you will have to move on. You can’t spend the rest of your life hoping that you two will get back together. You will need a change. If you haven’t put makeup on at all for weeks because you feared you would break down at any minute and your mascara would run, try putting it on this week. You might feel a little better about yourself. That will be the first step. The second step will be to get a hobby, if you didn’t have one before. Maybe you like arts and crafts, drawing, reading, painting, writing? Try something new. Then gradually begin to go out again, if you have been staying in all the time.

In time, you will get your confidence back, if it was lost in your last relationship. The other thing I would like to stress during this column is even though some may want to rush into a new relationship straight out of the last one to avoid the pain, it’s a bad idea. Also, you don’t need a boyfriend to make you happy. I say that you be by yourself for a bit to gain your independence back. Trust me, I am not trying to make this sound as if this is so easy and just do it. I am merely saying to get your life back, to recover from a breakup you will have to get back up at some point. It will be hard, but like I said, everyone goes through this process. Honestly, it sucks.

If any girl/guy has a question for me, feel free to email me hopeandlove89@gmail.com  I know I mostly wrote steps to help girls move on, but guys you may email me and ask me advice on this issue and I will try to tell you what I think because break-ups are hard to digest.

“Prince Charming.”

I know that most girls have their fantasies that they dream up as they search for a guy to date. Girls want a guy to risk his life for her and sacrifice himself in order to save her. They fantasize about the idea that the man will jump through every obstacle to help her. What’s missing here is would she do it for him? That’s what it comes down to here. Before we start to dream up our prince charming, girls we have to think logically. If the shoe were on the other foot, would you conquer this challenge to assist him in the same way? We are partners right. We should do the same thing. This is where girls get confused. They think that the man has to do all the work while they sit back and watch. Is that really fair?

The problem is that movies, magazines, and TV shows play up this fantasy of “prince charming.” In almost every romantic movie, you see this occurring. It’s the same thing where the pair has a fight, one of them runs off and in the end, the guy chases her, tells her he’s made a mistake and they live happily ever after. Does it sound oddly familiar? Well, it should. However, even so, there is a possibility that this sort of thing could happen to you, but really, it’s unlikely. Movies such as “The Notebook” are mostly fictionalized to make audiences think that relationships are like that. Come on folks, you know by now that it’s unrealistic. Most of the time, it’s a bunch of crappy lines that men say to get a girl to sleep with him.

Girls are so wrapped up with the fantasy that they forget about the small elements. They dream up their guy being like in the movies that if this doesn’t happen the way they want, their relationship may suffer.

Let’s give an example to go along with this fantasy idea. You know how most proposals are filled with romance and crying from the amount of happiness you feel? Well, my friend was recently proposed to in a different way from most. It took place in a parking lot. I realize this isn’t the typical location that this should happen, but she is his first girlfriend and he’s not the romantic type. She recounted how the ring slipped out of his pocket at the Jo-Ann Fabric and Craft store’s parking lot. He got on his knee and began the whole process of asking for her hand in marriage.

She did not cry, nor did she believe him. She had another image of how her proposal would play out. But, she was reassured after he said, “I love you and I can’t see my life without you,” she accepted.

The point is there was no romantic scenery, no grand dinner, no big spectacle, it was just a proposal. These things don’t always have to spell out romantic. Why does a proposal have to be a certain way? Why can’t it be like this because our society plays it up as a glamorized, huge moment?

This is what I’m talking about when I say this “fantasy” that girls go gaga over. And, guess what, in this moment, she told me that even though it wasn’t romantic, it was certainly memorable. As long as they love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together, the proposal doesn’t matter.

You know when you begin dating a guy, you have expectations that you wish to fulfill. For instance, when you receive your first kiss. Every girl has the fantasy of this happening in a romantic setting, maybe like holding hands ice skating. You skate together, and then fall on the ice. He looks at you and brushes the strands of hair out of your face and kisses you. This sounds like every other romance movie. But, at the same time, from all the movies out there, girls begin to develop this picture in their minds and the fantasy starts. This and books are where all the dreams are formed. It’s hard to avoid thinking these things when society hammers these ideas into our minds.

For the longest time, I believed these types of situations were real. But, as I grew up, I began to understand that it’s fictional. It’s a script that actors follow that convinces viewers that their relationship is truthful and believable. Even in my own previous relationship, my fantasy that our first kiss would be similar to the fairy-tale setting consumed my mind so much that I was a little disappointed with the outcome. I thought, maybe he would grab me and kiss me with passion in his eyes and lips. Instead, it was in a dark, cold park with the two of us sitting on a blanket and the kiss being dry and lacked passion.

These fantasies are tricking girls into thinking that all the firsts you’re suppose to have in a relationship will be perfect. There will only be good and positive memories between the two of you. There is no such thing as a glitch in the plan. That means men have to compete against the fictional ones in all the romantic movies. They have to step up and be able to somehow simulate the situations that happen in these films.

To all the men out there: Good luck.

❤ Hope Kumor