The big confusion on Valentine’s day.

I woke up in a cheery mood as I looked at the date on my Virgin Mobile cell phone.

February 14th, 2010: I was so excited what this day would entail. I just got flowers yesterday from my then boyfriend & he did so well. I was so proud of him.

Our plans were to go to Longwood Gardens in our outfits I picked out, him in a button-up red shirt, me in a red dress with white stockings. Everything was set. It was perfect. Except for the way I was feeling. I was a bit unsure about us at the time & just brushed it off, not thinking about it, merely ignoring myself.

When he arrived in his attire, I greeted him with a “You look so nice, hun.” He did. Honestly, I could have eaten him up that day. He did so great driving, not flipping out, not running over any curbs. He panics sometimes when he drives & does stupid stuff.

The flowers at the garden were so pretty & we really enjoyed ourselves. I would do these cute things and he would smile and laugh. We always had such a nice time. Our connection was strong. But, I think it was more of a friendly connection than a romantic one. The whole day we held hands & I began to wonder “Am I in a relationship because I’m afraid to be single?” These were when the serious doubts kicked in. I contemplated all day about that question. Though, I didn’t let it ruin my awesome day with a great guy.

We left by around 4:45. When we got into the car, we traded cards. For me, I had SUCH a hard time writing in his card. Usually the words just flow, but this time, it took me a while to come up with something.

I began to think all of these thoughts a few weeks prior. I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t know how much longer I could be his girlfriend. Just all of these things got annoying. I HATED thinking all of this, but it was coming true.  I fought with myself about it because I didn’t want to hurt him. No way could I just break up with him & be okay with it. I had to consider his feelings at the same time. I wrote in my journal “Even if we do break-up, I still want him to be my best friend.” I just KNEW it was coming.

Later on, my mom took some cute pictures of us. Around 10:00 we sat by the fire. It was so romantic to be in front of the fire on Valentine’s Day cuddling. Before he left, he warmed up his car for a few then came back in and laid on me. That made me really sad. Here I was so unsure whether I still wanted him to be my bf & he’s laying on me. I liked him SO much, but part of me wasn’t there. I still wanted him, but didn’t. It was such a confusing time in my life.

Later that night I cried. I cried because I was confused & I didn’t know how I got that way. What happened?

It was the BIG confusion on Valentine’s Day…

❤ Hope Kumor

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