We talk on the phone almost every Friday. It’s always the same drill. Mostly I describe my whole week by telling stories & other things that I think will interest him. Whether he laughs or not, it’s up to him. I mean, that’s the whole point of telling him, in order to make him laugh.
Most of the time, he responds with “nothing much has changed” when it’s his turn. But, still I continue to talk to him on the phone. Still, I’m here whenever he needs me. Still, I ask him things to get him to speak. Still, I go out of my way to assist him. Still, I deal with his moods.
This particular Friday was slightly different because the end of our conversation consisted of the road which one another is going down. I’m trying to avoid the one where I’m so miserable I think about harming myself, like so much of our society. They are stuck, screwed, cornered and unhappy.
His tone of voice becomes low as he tells me that he has a “secret plan” if he can’t find ‘that’ job to make him happy. I sit there & begin to wonder what this ‘secret’ that has just simply leaped out of no where from his mouth and into the receiver is. I want to know what this ‘plan’ is. I have to know what it is. He won’t tell me. He says, I can’t. I let it go. But, I say, Will you ever tell me? He says with such ease, You will find out. What does that even mean? I “will find out.” When? And what the hell does he mean by secret plan? As we say our goodbyes, the thoughts begin to circulate in my mind.
My brother comes in my room from work and I tell him about this “secret plan.” He shares the same fears as myself. Suicide? Could it be? I texted him to make sure I was wrong. I could be wrong, but what else is there to do? He has no other roads to turn down. Unless there’s something else that he’s not telling me, I assumed that was the answer. I panicked because he’s always been that way.
He reassured me with a “no,” which didn’t make anything better because I don’t believe him. He’s almost nearly given up looking for jobs in order to be happy and I have no other suggestions for him. But, suicide? Would he really do that? I need to watch him like a child now, like a little boy. I can’t be his babysitter forever, but if he did that and I didn’t do anything to stop it, I couldn’t live with myself.
That night I sat down & seriously thought about it. What the hell would I do if he went through with it? How would I feel? What would my life consist of?
Even though he “promised” me it wasn’t that, how will I ever know? How does anyone know anything about someone for sure? You will NEVER know if the other person is lying because you will never be able to get inside their head.
I’m scared for him. I don’t know what I would do to stop him. I don’t have anything for him. How would I ever convince him that he’s making a huge mistake? What could I do to change his life? I have nothing for him.
I don’t have the money to give him for grad school. I can’t guarantee him a job that he loves. I don’t have the cash to give him to move out of his house. I don’t have it. If I did, I wouldn’t even be writing this right now.
Maybe you have something for me? For him? Something? Is that really what he wants: Suicide? What the hell do I do if that’s his “secret plan?”