I have nothing for him & his “secret plan.”

We talk on the phone almost every Friday. It’s always the same drill. Mostly I describe my whole week by telling stories & other things that I think will interest him. Whether he laughs or not, it’s up to him. I mean, that’s the whole point of telling him, in order to make him laugh.

Most of the time, he responds with “nothing much has changed” when it’s his turn. But, still I continue to talk to him on the phone. Still, I’m here whenever he needs me. Still, I ask him things to get him to speak. Still, I go out of my way to assist him. Still, I deal with his moods.

This particular Friday was slightly different because the end of our conversation consisted of the road which one another is going down. I’m trying to avoid the one where I’m so miserable I think about harming myself, like so much of our society. They are stuck, screwed, cornered and unhappy.

His tone of voice becomes low as he tells me that he has a “secret plan” if he can’t find ‘that’ job to make him happy. I sit there & begin to wonder what this ‘secret’ that has just simply leaped out of no where from his mouth and into the receiver is. I want to know what this ‘plan’ is. I have to know what it is. He won’t tell me. He says, I can’t. I let it go. But, I say, Will you ever tell me? He says with such ease, You will find out. What does that even mean? I “will find out.” When? And what the hell does he mean by secret plan? As we say our goodbyes, the thoughts begin to circulate in my mind.

My brother comes in my room from work and I tell him about this “secret plan.” He shares the same fears as myself. Suicide? Could it be? I texted him to make sure I was wrong. I could be wrong, but what else is there to do? He has no other roads to turn down. Unless there’s something else that he’s not telling me, I assumed that was the answer. I panicked because he’s always been that way.

He reassured me with a “no,” which didn’t make anything better because I don’t believe him. He’s almost nearly given up looking for jobs in order to be happy and I have no other suggestions for him. But, suicide? Would he really do that? I need to watch him like a child now, like a little boy. I can’t be his babysitter forever, but if he did that and I didn’t do anything to stop it, I couldn’t live with myself.

That night I sat down & seriously thought about it. What the hell would do if he went through with it? How would I feel? What would my life consist of?

Even though he “promised” me it wasn’t that, how will I ever know? How does anyone know anything about someone for sure? You will NEVER know if the other person is lying because you will never be able to get inside their head.

I’m scared for him. I don’t know what I would do to stop him. I don’t have anything for him. How would I ever convince him that he’s making a huge mistake? What could I do to change his life? I have nothing for him.

I don’t have the money to give him for grad school. I can’t guarantee him a job that he loves. I don’t have the cash to give him to move out of his house. I don’t have it. If I did, I wouldn’t even be writing this right now.

Maybe you have something for me? For him? Something? Is that really what he wants: Suicide? What the hell do I do if that’s his “secret plan?”

I’ll be ready soon.

There’s a line that begins to form at work. But, it’s not so uncontrollable that I can’t handle it. After all, there is someone else there to help, but he’s busy at the time. This ended up being a good thing because then I wouldn’t have been able to talk to mr. cutie.

I’m waiting on customers when my eye catches these two guys. The first one is tall, and not my type at all, a bit of a dork. But, the second guy is cute as hell & even with the line of people, I wanted to talk to him, I had to talk to him. His friend was first. He asked for a grande coffee with a shot of espresso. Mr. cutie & I made eye contact. He wore all black, was about 5’4, brown hair & a little built, not too muscular, but good enough for me. I filled up his friend’s cup with coffee hoping that my other employee wouldn’t come over & ask for the next customer in line, which was mr. cutie. I hoped as I poured that coffee that he would stay over where he was. My wish was granted & I asked mr. cutie what he wanted. With a smile, he told me what his friend just ordered. Even though there was a line, I didn’t care that we had about a 30-second conversation while the others had to patiently wait. I saw in his hand a GRE book. So, I inquired about it. He just signed up for the test & needed to study for it asap. Then, he asked me if I was taking the test. “No,” I replied, “But I know a lot of people who took it. Good luck!”

Honestly, it was nothing at all. He just had a great smile & was cute as hell! Our interaction was merely a few seconds, but I took it as a sign telling me I’m almost ready for my next mister.

I’ve been seeing some cute guys around. The other day, as I headed for the train, I saw this adorable guy sitting at this table. I looked at him, he looked at me and we held eye contact as I walked past. I swear I felt so nervous because I haven’t made that much eye contact with a guy I was interested in in a long time. I haven’t had a boyfriend in 2 years & I think I’m beginning to head in that direction. I mean, I hope I’ll be okay, I hope I’ll be prepared for what’s in store.

I’m not jumping to any conclusions at this point. Currently, I’m not even thinking about a guy. I’m more so focused on my career, the big question: WHAT WILL YOU DO AFTER YOU GRADUATE?

I’m pretty sure THAT is more important than a guy right now. However, if a guy comes along in the meantime, then he does, but I’m no longer looking, pinning for a guy. That’s all folks!

I’ll be ready soon..

Please.. just leave!

As the sunlight shines through my discolored blinds, I feel weird. I feel different this morning when I woke up to 94.5 pst. I can’t really describe it to you. It’s more of a calm, at peace feeling.

There’s silence. This allows you to sit and think about every thought imaginable. Except, there might be the occasional fire engine or ambulance or bird that pokes at your window calling for attention. The fire engine becomes louder and louder and you wonder whether there’s a fire at the house of someone you know. Is it my best friend that lives in Stonybrook? Was he the one who made the call this morning because there’s smoke coming from his windows? You wonder. You can sit and wonder until you get a call in gibberish explaining that his house is on fire. You stop & remember at 9:39, you heard that engine and had a hint of thought it could be his house.

Thoughts. What are they anyway? Why do they come when you least expect them? You could be driving somewhere with friends when you hear a song that brings up a past memory. Your friends sit there & laugh at a story your other friend tells, but you stop listening because your mind is consumed of this particular memory. You stop because you want to feel the memory, you want to bring it back. You CAN’T let it go because you want it so bad you can taste it. Your friends look at you to see if you are okay because they are all laughing hysterically and you have a blank expression on your face. What happened? You were about to hear a story and giggle with some friends until the memory emerged, out of no where. You’re pissed. You’re so angry because this stopped you from having fun with your friends. You’re out with them to get away from memories, you’re here to make new ones. Will you ever stop going ‘there’? Will you always be reminded of the earlier days with him? Why? Why did this happen? Why did he date me if he wasn’t looking for a relationship? Why would he form a relationship that lasted a year and a half and not be completely committed to me like I was to him? Not to say that he cheated on me, but his heart was not completely there.

All of these questions emerge just from that one song, “I’m Yours.” You want to rip the cord that plays the music. No more music! I can’t, you can’t & you won’t be haunted by past memories that make you want to cry. There’s no point in remembering these things if you know the results of what will happen.  Why do they come out of no where?

“Doors are opening.” When these words come to mind, it makes me think of the Chicago trip I took like last year with him & my two brothers. We had so much fun walking around & sightseeing. But, when things such as this come to mind, the memories flood in & I can’t stop them. One day I will plug up my brain so I don’t have to think about anything except the task at hand. There will be no thoughts that consume my mind. I won’t get sad when I smell a familiar scent, nor will I feel anything when I see a particular place we went to, there would nothing. How does that sound?

But, could I really do that? What about the other memories I have besides with him? There are so many memories I want to keep, to wrap up in a towel and never let go.

Let’s halt here. Right now, please. “Never let go.” I can ‘never let go’ of anything, anyone. Why? It’s so hard for me to let anything free. Just let it grow & leave I tell myself. But, I can’t. I’m not allowed to. I need to help. I have to help. I feel obligated to be there even if I’m not asked. I feel it’s my responsibility. You see, that’s just how I am. Ignore me. Don’t let me spoil your fun. It seems I’ll never have any. Don’t feel pity or remorse for me. Walk past me. Seriously. I’m telling you to do that. I’m commanding you to. It will be better for the two of us if you left. Please.. just leave!

Writing & learning go hand in hand.

You know how something happens and it gives you inspiration to write? Well, whenever I hang out with him, afterward, I feel as if I can describe everything around me, including the way he looks at me, what we did, how I felt. I FEEL the urge to write, to recall all of the facts that happened, all of them. It’s not to say that I don’t have inspiration if we don’t hang out, it’s just, it comes so naturally with him.

I love to write. That’s all there is to it. I love being able to share my every thought with the world and not care if someone is judging me. They will never see me. They can’t witness the expression on my face as I erase and re-write all of my passages.

It’s seems so easy to write. The only voice that emerges is your own. You’re not cut off by someone who is consumed with themselve. You have the ability to write when you want, what you want & how you want. There’s no one in a judgment booth complaining about the amount you have produced. You just do it without fights or arguments. The audience reads it and judges for themselve.

You can choose any topic. For all you want, you can write about Pokemon characters.

And, that’s what I love about writing. I tend to make friends with the people who talk about themselves 24/7 with hardly any pauses in between. Or, if they do pause, it’s to eat that slice of pizza that’s gotten cold or maybe just maybe let you talk for a few minutes. You see, here, there is nothing like that to worry about. There’s no one to talk over you as you tell your story. There’s no one to interrupt you in the midst of a thought.

That’s why I have the passion & drive to become a writer. Currently, I’m in school studying English. It can be hard at times when you take courses that you will never use. What’s the point? Remember, in every course that you’re taking, you’re learning something new. That’s how I try to see it. Even if I’m taking a class on Shakespeare, let’s just say that you will know a heck of a lot of facts that you never knew about this guy. That’s what’s so great about learning too! There’s no stopping or pausing. You learn something new EVERY DAY.

Writing & learning go hand in hand. They both allow you to never stop something. You can write & learn all you want. Who is stopping you? There’s no one there to pull the plug on you. No one can make you quit either one of these.

That’s why you must keep on doing both & don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! You must be the best you can be & that’s all.

I regret it.

I look at the clock, which strikes 8:00 pm, when he will come visit me at work. We had such a great encounter the last time we saw each other, so I figured it would be the same. I see him, smile & greet him. We walk downstairs and the stares from my co-workers begin. Honestly, I didn’t even take into account that they would later comment & ask me if he were my boyfriend. That’s not even the point anyway.

But, this time was different because he was quieter, but looked cute as hell. We went outside to talk for a few minutes before he mentioned about heading inside instead. Okay. Sure. Why not? Let’s go look at books, that’s fine. I didn’t mind either way.

I tell him a story or two. Then we switch to him. “Nothing too much.” There are those words AGAIN, which are uttered countless number of times. And then, it happens. I sware we were getting closer, bonding, having fun. All of a sudden, he turns to me and says, “Do you think that girl over there is around my age? Hm, maybe she is.” Okay, and stop. Stop right here, right now. A buzzer goes off in my mind. It can’t be though. I thought we were maybe heading in ‘that’ direction again. And how could I be so freeking stupid? Why would I even think that? What’s the point?

And, that is when I sank. I sank really low into the ground & I couldn’t make my way back up the whole rest of my shift. I was in a daydream state & told myself that enough is enough. I’m cute as hell & I need to do something about this. I need to quit this shit & seriously, finally, totally, absolutely move on. I’m talking about moving on for real this time. Not, “I’m moving on,” but seriously moving forward in my life. I have no clue how I will do this though. I don’t want to cut ties with him, I simply can’t. There must be another way. Maybe you can help me, give me advice on how to finally & completely quit pining for this guy, my best friend. I regret hanging out with him the next day, I regret holding onto him for this long, I regret not being stronger about this, I regret being so dumb & stupid, I do. I finally have come to terms that I seriously need to get over him.

And, it’s done, Our relationship has been for A WHILE now. I blame myself, wholeheartedly. Don’t feel sorry for me please, it’s rather so foolish by this point. Even in those nice, khaki-type shirt & jeans, I need to cut the string. I believe I feel as if I’m going through a break-up again. This time a serious one. The real one this time. Before, it was merely a “period.” But this time, I must worry about myself.

I hope that I won’t have to write any of this shit again. NEVER AGAIN. No pining, no waiting, no being stupid, NOTHING!

There is nothing left for me to do.

He walks in and laughs a little as my parents greet him with a joke,& remarks about something corny I might do, since it’s April Fool’s Day. I laugh to myself as he heads into my room with my chapstick that my mother told him to deliver to me. He tells me about an arabic song he sent me the other day. Him in his black pants, button down blue shirt & hoodie. I tried not to think too much about his outfit or else I would start again. Start again for the millionth time, maybe even longer by know. Who knows.

As we sit on my bed to look at my resume he was supposed to help me with, we talk. It seems that when we see one another, he talks more. We discuss his current job situation. His lack of support from his parents. His mother’s condition. All of it. It is so difficult for me to hear him say all of this, but I sit & listen. That’s all I can do. Sit, listen, support & give him my opinion. That is MY job. Help in whatever way I can.

But, as we converse about how he is going to have to do a job that he hates, the look in his eyes and sadness, which makes me depressed every time this subject surfaces. There is nothing left for him to do, nothing. There is nothing left for me to do & it causes me pain, knowing that I can’t do ANYTHING except watch him go through this horrific period in his life that seems as if it won’t ever go away. Will it EVER get better? Will things improve for him? I feel sick, literally. I know I’ve repeated myself here over & over, but this is how the situation pans out. We talk about it time & time again & it NEVER improves.

You have NO idea how much I love him & want what’s best for him. I must be the witness to all of his frustrations, depression, sadness & it kills me every time. We continue to speak about the amount of jobs he’s applied to and got rejected from. 10. He’s posted his application 15 times to 15 different jobs & has gotten 10 rejections. What would YOU do? You would lose faith as well. You would quit. After 10 rejections, plus many more before this, added to his family life, living situation, unhappiness, & loneliness. Tell me, how would you feel. Please feel free to let me know because I feel like I’m in this situation with him. He struggles, I struggles. I can’t help but feel like shit every time I listen to him say, “Nothing too much, Nothing has happened” after a whole week of not speaking. One week & he has absolutely nothing to share with me over the phone.

After that initial conversation, we move on. There is nothing left to say about that particular subject. What’s done is done. He’s doing it, he’s going to take some classes for that type of job & that’s it. Nothing more. How the hell can I convince him he’s making a mistake by pursuing a career has no interest in whatsoever? I tried to tell him not to do it, don’t take the classes, don’t go for that, but what more is there to do? Nothing, just like everything. Nothing to do. Nothing to say. Nothing left.

Despite this negative talk, we got closer as friends. I’m all he has. Without me, there’s nothing. He needs me, I promise! He smiles, we laugh together. We get along so well & I sometimes wonder if he’s ‘it.’ Maybe in a few years, we will see. For now I must focus on my career.

We talk. I don’t think he wanted Sunday to move into Monday because that would mean he would have to do it all over again. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday: work. The week of hell, the work week. But, of course I don’t believe he ever wants to leave also because then he has to go back to his house. The house of chaos, where he can no longer stand to live. The things that he tells me that occur in that house. I can’t even begin to tell you.

I give him a tight hug as we part ways. At the end of every departure, I feel sad. I miss him it seems. Maybe he feels the same. Does he cry for me like I cry for him? You have NO idea how his life is. Imagine dreading getting out of bed every morning. I want to keep him safe & never let him go.

I just, I can’t witness him go through so much pain. I told him that I will ALWAYS be there for him. He just needs support while he’s so out of sorts.