He walks in and laughs a little as my parents greet him with a joke,& remarks about something corny I might do, since it’s April Fool’s Day. I laugh to myself as he heads into my room with my chapstick that my mother told him to deliver to me. He tells me about an arabic song he sent me the other day. Him in his black pants, button down blue shirt & hoodie. I tried not to think too much about his outfit or else I would start again. Start again for the millionth time, maybe even longer by know. Who knows.
As we sit on my bed to look at my resume he was supposed to help me with, we talk. It seems that when we see one another, he talks more. We discuss his current job situation. His lack of support from his parents. His mother’s condition. All of it. It is so difficult for me to hear him say all of this, but I sit & listen. That’s all I can do. Sit, listen, support & give him my opinion. That is MY job. Help in whatever way I can.
But, as we converse about how he is going to have to do a job that he hates, the look in his eyes and sadness, which makes me depressed every time this subject surfaces. There is nothing left for him to do, nothing. There is nothing left for me to do & it causes me pain, knowing that I can’t do ANYTHING except watch him go through this horrific period in his life that seems as if it won’t ever go away. Will it EVER get better? Will things improve for him? I feel sick, literally. I know I’ve repeated myself here over & over, but this is how the situation pans out. We talk about it time & time again & it NEVER improves.
You have NO idea how much I love him & want what’s best for him. I must be the witness to all of his frustrations, depression, sadness & it kills me every time. We continue to speak about the amount of jobs he’s applied to and got rejected from. 10. He’s posted his application 15 times to 15 different jobs & has gotten 10 rejections. What would YOU do? You would lose faith as well. You would quit. After 10 rejections, plus many more before this, added to his family life, living situation, unhappiness, & loneliness. Tell me, how would you feel. Please feel free to let me know because I feel like I’m in this situation with him. He struggles, I struggles. I can’t help but feel like shit every time I listen to him say, “Nothing too much, Nothing has happened” after a whole week of not speaking. One week & he has absolutely nothing to share with me over the phone.
After that initial conversation, we move on. There is nothing left to say about that particular subject. What’s done is done. He’s doing it, he’s going to take some classes for that type of job & that’s it. Nothing more. How the hell can I convince him he’s making a mistake by pursuing a career has no interest in whatsoever? I tried to tell him not to do it, don’t take the classes, don’t go for that, but what more is there to do? Nothing, just like everything. Nothing to do. Nothing to say. Nothing left.
Despite this negative talk, we got closer as friends. I’m all he has. Without me, there’s nothing. He needs me, I promise! He smiles, we laugh together. We get along so well & I sometimes wonder if he’s ‘it.’ Maybe in a few years, we will see. For now I must focus on my career.
We talk. I don’t think he wanted Sunday to move into Monday because that would mean he would have to do it all over again. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday: work. The week of hell, the work week. But, of course I don’t believe he ever wants to leave also because then he has to go back to his house. The house of chaos, where he can no longer stand to live. The things that he tells me that occur in that house. I can’t even begin to tell you.
I give him a tight hug as we part ways. At the end of every departure, I feel sad. I miss him it seems. Maybe he feels the same. Does he cry for me like I cry for him? You have NO idea how his life is. Imagine dreading getting out of bed every morning. I want to keep him safe & never let him go.
I just, I can’t witness him go through so much pain. I told him that I will ALWAYS be there for him. He just needs support while he’s so out of sorts.