I regret it.

I look at the clock, which strikes 8:00 pm, when he will come visit me at work. We had such a great encounter the last time we saw each other, so I figured it would be the same. I see him, smile & greet him. We walk downstairs and the stares from my co-workers begin. Honestly, I didn’t even take into account that they would later comment & ask me if he were my boyfriend. That’s not even the point anyway.

But, this time was different because he was quieter, but looked cute as hell. We went outside to talk for a few minutes before he mentioned about heading inside instead. Okay. Sure. Why not? Let’s go look at books, that’s fine. I didn’t mind either way.

I tell him a story or two. Then we switch to him. “Nothing too much.” There are those words AGAIN, which are uttered countless number of times. And then, it happens. I sware we were getting closer, bonding, having fun. All of a sudden, he turns to me and says, “Do you think that girl over there is around my age? Hm, maybe she is.” Okay, and stop. Stop right here, right now. A buzzer goes off in my mind. It can’t be though. I thought we were maybe heading in ‘that’ direction again. And how could I be so freeking stupid? Why would I even think that? What’s the point?

And, that is when I sank. I sank really low into the ground & I couldn’t make my way back up the whole rest of my shift. I was in a daydream state & told myself that enough is enough. I’m cute as hell & I need to do something about this. I need to quit this shit & seriously, finally, totally, absolutely move on. I’m talking about moving on for real this time. Not, “I’m moving on,” but seriously moving forward in my life. I have no clue how I will do this though. I don’t want to cut ties with him, I simply can’t. There must be another way. Maybe you can help me, give me advice on how to finally & completely quit pining for this guy, my best friend. I regret hanging out with him the next day, I regret holding onto him for this long, I regret not being stronger about this, I regret being so dumb & stupid, I do. I finally have come to terms that I seriously need to get over him.

And, it’s done, Our relationship has been for A WHILE now. I blame myself, wholeheartedly. Don’t feel sorry for me please, it’s rather so foolish by this point. Even in those nice, khaki-type shirt & jeans, I need to cut the string. I believe I feel as if I’m going through a break-up again. This time a serious one. The real one this time. Before, it was merely a “period.” But this time, I must worry about myself.

I hope that I won’t have to write any of this shit again. NEVER AGAIN. No pining, no waiting, no being stupid, NOTHING!

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