As the sunlight shines through my discolored blinds, I feel weird. I feel different this morning when I woke up to 94.5 pst. I can’t really describe it to you. It’s more of a calm, at peace feeling.
There’s silence. This allows you to sit and think about every thought imaginable. Except, there might be the occasional fire engine or ambulance or bird that pokes at your window calling for attention. The fire engine becomes louder and louder and you wonder whether there’s a fire at the house of someone you know. Is it my best friend that lives in Stonybrook? Was he the one who made the call this morning because there’s smoke coming from his windows? You wonder. You can sit and wonder until you get a call in gibberish explaining that his house is on fire. You stop & remember at 9:39, you heard that engine and had a hint of thought it could be his house.
Thoughts. What are they anyway? Why do they come when you least expect them? You could be driving somewhere with friends when you hear a song that brings up a past memory. Your friends sit there & laugh at a story your other friend tells, but you stop listening because your mind is consumed of this particular memory. You stop because you want to feel the memory, you want to bring it back. You CAN’T let it go because you want it so bad you can taste it. Your friends look at you to see if you are okay because they are all laughing hysterically and you have a blank expression on your face. What happened? You were about to hear a story and giggle with some friends until the memory emerged, out of no where. You’re pissed. You’re so angry because this stopped you from having fun with your friends. You’re out with them to get away from memories, you’re here to make new ones. Will you ever stop going ‘there’? Will you always be reminded of the earlier days with him? Why? Why did this happen? Why did he date me if he wasn’t looking for a relationship? Why would he form a relationship that lasted a year and a half and not be completely committed to me like I was to him? Not to say that he cheated on me, but his heart was not completely there.
All of these questions emerge just from that one song, “I’m Yours.” You want to rip the cord that plays the music. No more music! I can’t, you can’t & you won’t be haunted by past memories that make you want to cry. There’s no point in remembering these things if you know the results of what will happen. Why do they come out of no where?
“Doors are opening.” When these words come to mind, it makes me think of the Chicago trip I took like last year with him & my two brothers. We had so much fun walking around & sightseeing. But, when things such as this come to mind, the memories flood in & I can’t stop them. One day I will plug up my brain so I don’t have to think about anything except the task at hand. There will be no thoughts that consume my mind. I won’t get sad when I smell a familiar scent, nor will I feel anything when I see a particular place we went to, there would nothing. How does that sound?
But, could I really do that? What about the other memories I have besides with him? There are so many memories I want to keep, to wrap up in a towel and never let go.
Let’s halt here. Right now, please. “Never let go.” I can ‘never let go’ of anything, anyone. Why? It’s so hard for me to let anything free. Just let it grow & leave I tell myself. But, I can’t. I’m not allowed to. I need to help. I have to help. I feel obligated to be there even if I’m not asked. I feel it’s my responsibility. You see, that’s just how I am. Ignore me. Don’t let me spoil your fun. It seems I’ll never have any. Don’t feel pity or remorse for me. Walk past me. Seriously. I’m telling you to do that. I’m commanding you to. It will be better for the two of us if you left. Please.. just leave!