I have nothing for him & his “secret plan.”

We talk on the phone almost every Friday. It’s always the same drill. Mostly I describe my whole week by telling stories & other things that I think will interest him. Whether he laughs or not, it’s up to him. I mean, that’s the whole point of telling him, in order to make him laugh.

Most of the time, he responds with “nothing much has changed” when it’s his turn. But, still I continue to talk to him on the phone. Still, I’m here whenever he needs me. Still, I ask him things to get him to speak. Still, I go out of my way to assist him. Still, I deal with his moods.

This particular Friday was slightly different because the end of our conversation consisted of the road which one another is going down. I’m trying to avoid the one where I’m so miserable I think about harming myself, like so much of our society. They are stuck, screwed, cornered and unhappy.

His tone of voice becomes low as he tells me that he has a “secret plan” if he can’t find ‘that’ job to make him happy. I sit there & begin to wonder what this ‘secret’ that has just simply leaped out of no where from his mouth and into the receiver is. I want to know what this ‘plan’ is. I have to know what it is. He won’t tell me. He says, I can’t. I let it go. But, I say, Will you ever tell me? He says with such ease, You will find out. What does that even mean? I “will find out.” When? And what the hell does he mean by secret plan? As we say our goodbyes, the thoughts begin to circulate in my mind.

My brother comes in my room from work and I tell him about this “secret plan.” He shares the same fears as myself. Suicide? Could it be? I texted him to make sure I was wrong. I could be wrong, but what else is there to do? He has no other roads to turn down. Unless there’s something else that he’s not telling me, I assumed that was the answer. I panicked because he’s always been that way.

He reassured me with a “no,” which didn’t make anything better because I don’t believe him. He’s almost nearly given up looking for jobs in order to be happy and I have no other suggestions for him. But, suicide? Would he really do that? I need to watch him like a child now, like a little boy. I can’t be his babysitter forever, but if he did that and I didn’t do anything to stop it, I couldn’t live with myself.

That night I sat down & seriously thought about it. What the hell would do if he went through with it? How would I feel? What would my life consist of?

Even though he “promised” me it wasn’t that, how will I ever know? How does anyone know anything about someone for sure? You will NEVER know if the other person is lying because you will never be able to get inside their head.

I’m scared for him. I don’t know what I would do to stop him. I don’t have anything for him. How would I ever convince him that he’s making a huge mistake? What could I do to change his life? I have nothing for him.

I don’t have the money to give him for grad school. I can’t guarantee him a job that he loves. I don’t have the cash to give him to move out of his house. I don’t have it. If I did, I wouldn’t even be writing this right now.

Maybe you have something for me? For him? Something? Is that really what he wants: Suicide? What the hell do I do if that’s his “secret plan?”


2 thoughts on “I have nothing for him & his “secret plan.”

  1. Hi, after reading your post I have two pieces of advice for you. First, you say that you try to avoid a state of mind where you consider harming yourself, like most of society does. I don’t think most of society thinks that way. I think you are projecting your problems on others. My advice would be to try and look at the people around you, not so much society in the abstract sense, and try to see their positive sides, their strengths, their ambitions. “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change”, this is true, and you can actively condition yourself to do so.
    Second, you write this: “Suicide? Could it be? I texted him to make sure I was wrong. I could be wrong, but what else is there to do? He has no other roads to turn down.” There is always another road. You are encouraging your friend to find that other road, which is a testament to how good a friend you are. Someone suicidal doesn’t need money. They need therapy and good people around them. Just by being there you are helping a lot. My advice would be to NOT marginalize your bond by saying you have nothing to offer. That is not true. You are offering and giving a great deal. And it is also not true that your friend only has one possible road to take, that one job to score. There is always another option.
    Good luck, and more power to you for reaching out. Best advice anyone on here can give you is to browse more authoritative sources on suicide, preventing it, and therapy. Either way, you have my elusive digital support. Wish you the best.

    1. Ted,
      I want to thank you for your advice, I appreciate it. But, I also want to say that you misinterpreted this because of the way it’s written and that’s not your fault, it’s mine.
      If you’ve read my other posts, you would probably understand a little better his current situation. When I said that he doesn’t have any other roads to turn down, I meant job wise. Basically, he’s been looking for jobs for about 2 years now to get out of the one he’s in, which is making him incredibly unhappy, but he can’t find anything. That’s where “He has no other roads to turn down” comes from. Like I said in post, I could be wrong though, his “secret plan” may just be to get out of town & tell no one, escape this world that we live in to find something better, who knows. He just won’t tell me!
      It’s all so complicated & I wish I could explain it better or have you live it, but I can’t. But, thanks for your concern! :]
      Have a great day!


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