Thunder roars, it down pours, and flashes of lightning eliminate the whole sky. It’s a depressing day. May 27th, 2012. It’s 11 years on the dot that Edwin Joseph Ness died. Every year it comes, the feeling of sadness washes over my entire body. I don’t like to talk about it, discuss it or think about it, but I need to in order to deal with the fact that he will never reappear in the same form. He is with me in spirit as well as through material objects, but it’s not the same.
On this particular day, we celebrate a birthday as well, my younger brother’s 19 today. This overwhelms us all since we lost someone so dear and close to our hearts, meanwhile we’re in mourning.
My younger brother works 1130-5 on this day and the rest of our family will head to the cemetery around 2:00. I am most nervous because I don’t want to cry in front of anybody, I don’t allow the tears to roll down my face in front of anybody except myself.
As the time ticks closer to 2:00, I become very apprehensive. My two cousins come with us to meet my other family. While driving to the cemetery, I become quiet. I don’t want to talk. I don’t feel like talking. How could I? You can hear the chatter in our car as we are about 10 minutes away. But, I’m in the back sitting in silence.
We pull up to where he’s buried. I haven’t been there since his funeral and don’t remember how it looks. We walk up to my uncle, his daughter, her husband and 2 kids, my aunt, cousin and his friend. They are all standing there waiting for us. Also, we stand and wait for our other cousin and daughter to make their way over from McDonald’s.
I stand there in silence with my sunglasses on. After they finally come around 2:30, my uncle says some words. He will play three songs that remind him of our Eddie. We each will get a balloon and will release it on the last song, one of my personal favorites, “Dancing Queen.”
My uncle gets choked up every time he talks about Eddie, which is understandable since that was his son. My cousin, his brother stands next to him while we hear the first song. I could see him holding back tears and just want to hug him because I feel so bad.
The next song really gets me. I see everyone around me wiping away tears. I think to myself that I’m glad I wore sunglasses. Again, I don’t allow myself to completely break down due to two reasons, I have mascara on and I don’t want to show that type of emotion in front of anyone.
I was never good at comforting people & I’m horrible when it comes to death. I’m not good at dealing with it or facing it. I just can’t. I look up to stop the tears that form in my eyes.
The last song skips, but it’s still a nice moment. We all let go of our balloons and this is really where I tear up underneath my sunglasses. I don’t know how anyone could talk in that moment. I sure as hell couldn’t. I hide behind my other cousin and didn’t want to be bothered.
I knew how I would feel after the end of the ceremony, depressed. Utterly and completely sad. Our family had to go because we needed to get home and get ready for my brother’s birthday. I really wish he came too.
As we say our goodbyes, I know that I will hug my cousin tight to make sure he is okay. He doesn’t want to show that emotion in front of anyone as well. I’ve taught myself not to do it in front of others, just like him.
I hug him really tight and hold on for a while. I knew he would need someone to hold on to. I wanted to be the one. I knew he needed everyone there. I was sad to leave, but now we must celebrate a birthday.
On the car ride home, I wanted to be left alone. I didn’t want to be bothered. I just wanted to sit in silence and think. The thoughts ran through my mind about today, 11 years ago today my dad, mom, two brothers and I sat underneath our carport when we got the call that Eddie was in the hospital. We didn’t think anything of it.
Even though I was only 11 years old, I remember that day very well. It’s hard to believe that was 11 years ago TODAY.
This marks the 11-year anniversary of Edwin Joseph Ness’s death and it still looms over all of us. I will never forget him. I will never forget you, Eddie.
I sit here and try to remember all of the memories we had, but some of them become blurry. It was so long ago. But, I will NEVER forget him. Though I didn’t see him as often as my other cousins, he was one of my favorites. I loved that little boy and not a day goes by that I don’t wonder what he would look like, how he would talk, what interests he would have, and what he would be doing.
I miss you so much Eddie & I love you.
We remember our little boy :]