I sit in silence staring at the computer screen as I write this, trying to find the words to describe how I’m feeling.
I’m solemn, depressed, sad, sickened, heartbroken & exhausted. The thought of death looms throughout my body. I try not to think about it, just merely the positive, but after you’ve watched Vh1’s Last Days of Left Eye and saw part of the car accident that caused her death, how could you not?
How can I enjoy life knowing that I could die at any given moment? My head spins & I develop a headache. I’m SO afraid of death & the fact that someone so close to me could be gone.
Why would I want to get close to someone when I know that the ache and pain will be there when they die? How could I not be scared? I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m in an unsettling state of mind & I can’t escape any of it. It’s a fact: I’m going to die. One day. My family members will pass & I have NO idea how I will handle that.
Am I strong enough for that? Am I brave enough to endure such agony? How can I live like that? Memories float inside my brain & I would never be able to handle them after a family member leaves this planet. And, to lose one of my family members, I would die inside.
Literally, I’m going to vomit. I can’t fathom this concept, I don’t want to, I’m not allowed to. I’m unable to process this, let alone imagine my life any different from it is now.
How will I ever get through the pain of death?