I’m nearly broken.

I’m on edge. I swear I’m going to explode, burst, break down. I’m almost at my breaking point. I just keep thinking about death. I’m psyching myself out. I keep thinking about the death of my parents. I question if I’m strong enough to go through that. Currently,  I’m questioning my strength. Am I even strong enough to do the most mundane things? I’m not sure right now.

I just keep thinking about death. All of my thoughts are focused on death. I know it’s realist, but I’m making myself ill. I’m harming myself by thinking too much. I don’t know how to stop myself. I’ve never been this bad. I didn’t think I could get to this’point where I’m almost insane. I’m a quiet girl, but when people continue to take advantage of you, it eventually gets to you. Another thing is I just don’t know my own strength. I’ve never gotten angry to the point where I can’t control myself. I’m afraid to get to that point. But, let’s be honest, I could get to that point. I could get so angry that I just lose control of the situation & become insane.

This is about so many things. It’s about him, school, work, money & life. Everything is just hitting the fan & making me feel completely & utterly depressed.

I do so much for him. I try to make him happy, I go out of my way for him, I look for places to go and things to do. But, the question that I continue to ask myself is does he appreciate it? Does he even care? He has never said “thanks for being a good friend” “thanks for being there for me.” Nope. He doesn’t say it nor show it. What am I supposed to guess? Am I just supposed to ‘know’? I’m not going to sit here & guess how much he truly cares for me. I’m annoyed, mad, pissed & frustrated with him. All of these things are hitting the fan & I’m not liking it. The only thing I want in return is appreciation. Is that SO much to ask for? I don’t need money or for him to take me somewhere, buy me things. I just simply want an out-of-the-blue ‘thank you.’ That’s all.

I’m always the one to plan events. He never texts me about anything. I’m always the one to do it first. He never suggests any places to visit. However, last night, my two brothers each got a text from him asking if they would be interested in an ultimate frisbee tournament. Now, stop here. My older brother is merely visiting for 10 days. Why would he ask HIM? I never got a text. I’m hurt. He can text them about going to a place, but can NEVER suggest ANYWHERE for us. Really. You’re joking, kidding, pulling my leg, right? No. Absolutely not. This is real. As of right now, I’m not speaking to him. Usually, I talk to him Friday, Saturday & Sunday. I didn’t this past weekend. Let him sit down & seriously appreciate me. He would be lost without me. This really frustrates me. It’s not that I want to end our friendship, it’s that I want to send him a message that if he doesn’t start appreciating me, I won’t do things for him. It’s really hurtful that you can do so much for someone to make them happy, but they won’t do a thing for you in return. I’m tired of it & I’m not going to sit here & continue to let it happen. I can’t & I won’t. He’ll get a taste of his own medicine. We won’t go anywhere, do anything, see how he likes it. See what happens if I don’t suggest ANY places, no vacations, nothing. Let’s see here…

To add to this frustration, work is depressing me. I do but I don’t want to search for another job. But, I haven’t decided yet. I’m in a dark place here & I don’t know how to get out of it. I don’t know what to do. I wish I could drive somewhere, anywhere, clear my mind. I’m about to vomit, puke & cry. I’m so exhausted that I can barely function. How can I get through this horrible time in my life? I need to talk to someone, vent, tell my troubles. I can’t keep it inside. It’s eating at me, I’m withering away to nothing. I’m breaking.

And, I’m nearly broken.

But, what can I do to stop this feeling that overcomes my whole body?

I’m in the kitchen getting my dinner ready for work. I’m scheduled 4-close and need to eat on my 30-minute break. But, then, all of a sudden, it comes. This overwhelming feeling of not wanting to go. It will be the same thing. I will walk into work, go upstairs to put my belongings in a locker, clock in, walk around looking for books to put back in their proper location, assist customers and answer phones. It goes round & round & round & round.

But, there’s something strange inside of me. I didn’t feel like going, I didn’t want to go. But, I need the money & I HAD to go. I told my mother about the feeling & her & my father followed me to work since it was so strong.

In work, I felt like crying. Literally, I was dreading walking into the door to endure 7 hours of strolling the store to ask customers if they needed help. I couldn’t shake the feeling for the rest of the night.

I swear, moments in the store, I felt as if I should no longer be on this earth. The thoughts that ran through my mind were horrendous. I felt as if I didn’t belong anywhere. Also, I’m not sure if my manager is a big fan of me.

Here’s a detail about myself, at work, if at least two people don’t like me, I no longer want the job. I CAN”T have anyone not like me. It’s like a disease. It spreads throughout my whole body & the feeling that I get becomes dreadful. I can no longer work at the job because two people aren’t fans of me. I know this is a rather dumb detail, but that’s how I am. That’s how it is. I wish I could shut off the feeling, ignore it, avoid it, brush it off, but it’s not that simple. It’s horrid & I can’t control it.

After closing time comes, I feel relieved. I can finally breathe.

But, what can I do to stop this feeling that overcomes my whole body?

[Though, at times the job get redundant, I will continue to do my best at work, because I don’t give up that easily. Don’t think this is a cope-out, I’m just simply stating my feelings on this matter]

The unexplainable feeling.

I type in the lyrics “And the snow turned into rain.” These lyrics are from Dan Fogelberg’s Same Old Lang Syne, which is a Christmas song. “That” feeling comes over my whole body. The holidays, the cheerfulness, the Christmas tree, the presents, the lights, the weather, the hot chocolate, family gatherings, & the music. When the music begins to play on B101 that’s when I know “it’s here,” the holidays.

Right now, it’s 6 months away from Christmas. Though, I don’t want to immediately jump straight through to Christmas because that’s when I graduate,but still,  I can’t wait. The excitement flows throughout my whole body and I start to tingle. I love the way it makes me feel. It’s an unexplainable feeling that I only get during the holidays. It’s a happy, pleasant feeling.

As soon as my dad & I put up those lights on the roof, I know that it’s coming, it’s almost here. And then I push play on youtube & the song “River” begins. The first words that stick with me are It’s coming on Christmas, they’re cutting down trees. I love this song.

Are you ready for Christmas?

Death, you can no longer run & hide from it.

We sit in the living room discussing newspaper articles that this customer of my father’s has saved. She has a pile sitting in her house from many years back. For the past few years, I’ve been looking on google, yahoo, bing etc to see if I could find something, anything on my cousin Eddie’s tragic death. At one point, his name was all over the news & the internet.

My dad says to me I have the article upstairs in a bag. He kept it, he kept the article on how my 6-year-old cousin died when he swallowed a tack. I couldn’t believe it. All of this time I sifted & searched and he could retrieve it by opening a bag & pulling it out. I was amazed and astonished.

He heads to the upstairs attic and I follow. It takes about five minutes for him to discover the newspaper article that reads “Six-year-old dies after inhaling tack.” When I read it, it all came back to me, the day, the year, the pain, the agony. I remember it. It seems that I’m going through it all over again. If you’ve read my past article, you know that I loved my cousin dearly & his 11-year death has just passed on May 27th.

I remember how gruesome & disgusting that time was. This is the first year that I’ve REALLY dealt with my cousin’s death head on. The past years I’ve avoided it, refused to think about it, talk about it and moved away from it. I couldn’t, didn’t, wouldn’t want to deal with the hardship that goes along with death.

Death. How absurd, cruel, grotesque, dirty and painful. See, I try to tell myself that it’s not real, it’s all a joke. If someone dies, they will come back. This is just a cruel joke being played on me. It will pass and the individual will make their way back. However, after realizing that that is nonsense, reality hits home and year after year as I dream, wish & hope for Eddie’s return, I’m in for a rude awakening. He’s not here. He hasn’t come back. He won’t come back. And, I don’t get it, I don’t understand it. Can you explain it to me once more? If you give a full description this time, maybe I will finally stop asking for an explanation.

But, I’m STILL not over it. I’m still not over Eddie. I can’t be. I just keep thinking about it over & over. I sound like a broken record. I wanted to see him more. I can’t change ANYTHING anymore, he’s gone & he’s NEVER coming back. How harsh.

I was curious to see how I reacted to my cousin’s death in my journal. I was 11. There was one particular line that I will note here, though I will mention a few. I haven’t edited them, I simply left them as is:

August 26, 2001, 12 years old, [Sunday]  I made a wish that Eddie was alive but it didn’t come true.

I was 12 years old in this entry. I just turned 12 & that was the wish I made for my birthday. That’s powerful at such a young age. This one was a month before my previous one:

July 30, 2001, 11 years old, [Monday]  My cousin Eddie died and I miss him when I watch tapes I see Eddie in them I SO wish Eddie was alive please God! Everybody misses him so dag much. I Miss him SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!

To look back on these entries is devastating. I read them to my mother & she was in utter disbelief. She didn’t realize that Eddie was that special to me. As I’ve told her, he was one of my favorites. I believe he was a favorite among everyone. And, here’s the last one:

September 25, 2001, 12 years old, [Tuesday]    Soon Jenn’s wedding is coming up Saturday [my uncle’s daughter. Eddie was the ring bearer] I wish Eddie was coming! PLEASE GOD BRING EDDIE ALIVE PLEASE [God read this] {There was an arrow pointing to that statement}

As you can see, Eddie’s death affected me. It was the most tragic death that’s happened to me. Imagine your 6-year-old cousin dying from a tack slipping down his or her throat. And, yet again, we see how death looms over everyone. Nobody wants to deal with it. They save it for tomorrow, throw it over to another field, escape, run or hide. It’s a given. No one wants to go through it, but it’s there. It’s ‘there’ every single time you leave the house, go to work. go shopping. Everything you do is dangerous. Every day of your life you put yourself in danger without really knowing or realizing or recognizing it. It’s such a dreadful, gross cycle that can’t be changed, altered or fixed. There’s no pause or rewind button on this one. There’s no re-do. It comes when it comes.

You must always cherish everything that you have. Look at this sweet, innocent boy who died by accident.

If you wish to read the article, here it is:

http://articles.philly.com/2001-05-29/news/25302288_1_blowgun-bristol-twp-inhaled

But, I need to deal with the fact that he’s gone & he’s NEVER coming back.

❤ Hope Kumor

The whole day we just talked, laughed & smiled.

There were two parts to his birthday presents, a book & a special day with me. The day would consist of driving to Bird-in-Hand, Pennsylvania & riding around on scooters. It would be a refresher from what we normally do. His birthday was on the 5th & since he turned 25 this year, I had to make it different. It had to be exciting & fun, not plain & dull like other years. It would be a 25th birthday he wouldn’t forget. Though it wasn’t on his actual birthday, it still counted, it still meant something to him. And, the weather was perfect, the temperature read 90 degrees, sunny. It was such a nice day.

He was scheduled to be at my house between 11:20-11:25, no earlier, no later. That was the only request I had. He didn’t have to drive, or pay for the actual scootering. It would take about an hour & 51 minutes to get there. Unfortunately, I would need to eat lunch on the way, driving. As he came, he carried his GPS and a book. This was a gift for my brother, for his birthday. It was a spanish Catcher in the Rye book. He was amazed & loved it the moment it was given to him.

It seemed like he was in a good mood though. Could you blame him? We were finally doing something, getting away from our daily, boring lives to ride some scooters in the countryside. We were both psyched.

We left my brother in his room to read the book, said bye to my mom & headed out. He set up the GPS. I was a bit nervous driving since I would have to go onto major highways & merge. Merging was THE worst because you can never be sure of what other drivers will do. Will he/she go? Will he/she slow down? Will he/she speed up? It’s so awful.

On the drive, he was quiet, like usual. At times, he doesn’t say much. There isn’t much conversation on his end. That means that I have to keep it flowing. But, I wasn’t going to do it, so for a while, we sat in silence. There would be the initial, Why is the GPS taking me this way sort of dialogue, but we mostly just drove in silence. As we reached I-95, the talking began. He began to tell me some work stories. We started to laugh & giggle together. However, this time was QUITE different. He was just my friend here. We were two buddies going scootering to have some good ol’ fun. There was nothing more there. He talked about this woman at work who he’s attracted to, this other girl that he thinks likes him and another one who he believes is hot.

But, I was okay, fine. I kept up with him. He was surprised to hear me talk about his father’s girlfriends brother [read the previous post I published in order to understand what I mean]. Also, I spoke about a guy at the job where he & I met. He was shocked to hear that I thought of this guy that much. It was strange that he seemed so surprised since HE was the one who told me to go for him way back when. But, I believe this talking about guys-girls to one another is still new to us, primarily him.

I told him about Obama’s same-sex pay that I read online. How fair is it that men receive higher pay when women do the same amount of work? If women have the same qualifications as men, why would they get paid less? He agreed. He likes politics & I wanted to get him talking a bit.

As we continued driving, eventually, he needed to pee. We were making good time so we could find a place like McDonald’s for him to go. He set the GPS to a restaurant. We took the exit. But, it took us to a street with a steep hill. I’ve always had such a fear of driving on a steep hill. I’m afraid I will roll down & hit the car behind me. After a while, it navigated us back onto the road we were just on. He begins his ranting & raving, cursing, doing what he does. I was confused as well since it took us back to where we started. When he does this, I get scared because he yells & screams. I hate to hear someone yell at me, especially him. He would NEVER physically harm me, he’s told me that, but I still get frightened. He planned another route to Wawa. Again, we got off at another exit with an extremely long red light. He told me he was in A LOT of pain because he had to pee so bad, he NEEDED to pee. Okay, alright. Yelling won’t get you anyway, except scaring me. It does the same thing, it took us back to where we were. This time he told me to just get off at the next exit & he’ll pee on the side. I was trying so hard not to laugh. It wasn’t funny that he was in pain, but the fact that the GPS kept re-routing to the same place was comical. I knew he would get so angry with me if he saw me chuckle so I held it in. I pulled over, he got out & peed behind this brick wall. I started to laugh & giggle. It was a funny situation.

After about 3 minutes, I figured that he really must have had to go because I started to get a little worried. Eventually, he came back. Then, he tells me that he thinks he got poison ivy. I started to giggle a little, but only because it was such a crappy situation. Stuff like that always happens to him. He never has good luck. I told him not to touch it. There is lotion for it, so don’t worry. But, he came to realize it wasn’t poison ivy.

We continued on our way getting closer & closer. Talking, giggling, laughing & enjoying each others company. We started to see Amish people with their horse & buggies. We agreed that he can’t be Amish because he sweats too much. At times, that’s the type of stuff that we talk about & it’s funny. It’s the inside jokes. He begins to get really excited. I can see it, I can feel it & I love it. I loved it because I was the reason for his happiness on this particular day. It was “me.”

We arrived and parked. It was 2:00, perfect. I scheduled the appointment & everything was set. We went into the store that we owned by another guy. The guy would have to call the owner of Countryside Scooters. It was all so confusing because the two businesses were connected, yet they had no sort of connection.

He was the one who talked to the owner of the scootering place. The first man we spoke to seemed bitter & rude. Him & I agreed either he was having a bad day or didn’t get sex with his wife the night before. Either way he was ignorant.

We waited for the owner. We’ve come to the place before & it was the same guy. He didn’t remember us. It was too long of a period. It was 1-2 years ago. We had to sign forms.

Meanwhile, he smiled at me. He was so happy & you have no idea how glad that made me feel. I didn’t care that I needed to pay ‘that’ much. It was worth it to see how happy he was, for once, in a long time. His smile was cheek-to-cheek.

We peed before he rode. We had our helmets and sunglasses. It was very warm as well. The man set us up in the back. Scooters. He sold the other ones we rode the last time we came. Previously, mine was pink, but this time it was blue.

For starters, I forgot that my hair would be ruined that day due to the helmet. First we rode around the back to get used to it. When the man told us the one scooter was faster than the other, he smiled at me & signaled that he wanted that one. Sure, why not? I sure as hell didn’t want the quicker one.

It was from 2:45-4:45. We had two hours.

After we were comfortable, we made our way to the road. I was nervous. He asked the owner for a map. The owner suggested some routes to take and not take. Okay, we were ready. Good luck & have fun, said the owner. He was first. He knew where to go. The max speed limit the scooter went was 40 MPH. Some roads we would need to go that fast since there were cars with us. There was a chance we could die as well. What happens if our car collided with a car? We were on real roads & there was always that risk. But, I didn’t let that stop me. He would be very far ahead & when I got left behind, he stopped somewhere and waited for me. Some of the time I went 40 MPH, but most of the time I went about 35. Ever since my car accident, I’ve driven slighter slow & more cautious. We made left turns, right turns, went straight. At one point, I almost hit a wall. It terrified me. I turned too sharply & stopped myself before I hit it. The scooter would have been damaged for sure.

He would ask me if I was going 40 MPH. He told me I HAD to go that fast because there were cars behind us. I had at least 2-3 cars pass me. I didn’t mind. Let them pass me, I told myself. I was talking to myself, laughing, yelling. No one could hear me. The wind was so strong that my eyes teared up. My helmet blew back as well. But, we were really booking it.

There was a time when we had to turn left & cross over three lanes. I didn’t feel comfortable with that & let him know that. No way. I mean, we were risking it enough by scootering on the road with other cars. He listened to me & we turned right and made a left into the parking lot. He was great with directions. He knew exactly where to go. He was so great.

Like everything else,  time went by quickly. We saw a water-themed mini golf. Since his father loves to golf, he wanted to check it out. I took some pictures. Then, he says something that I believe wasn’t meant for ME to hear. Finally I have something to talk about. Now, I’m not sure if he meant at work or with his dad. But, still, when he said that my heart melted. He would “have something to talk about.” Something. Again, that was me. I’ve said this before, but again, if I wasn’t there, he would have nothing, nada, zero. I was the reason, the cause. I gave him “hope.” It was me & I loved feeling like that. All in all, the BEST thing for me was seeing him smile, being happy. Nothing else was worth more to me than that. That was “it” for me. And, I can’t emphasis ‘that’ enough, I could never.

He was his old self, making jokes & making me laugh. It was awesome, great and fun. But, I’m scared. I’m seeing him as just a friend, but I’m afraid that I will back track, go back. I NEED to stay on track with this, right here, right now. It’s all level ground here & I can’t let his presence get to me. I’m so proud of myself for finally being okay hearing him talk about girls. Later on, I even asked him if he thought a girl was pretty! That’s how comfortable I was. I would have NEVER asked him that. The thought of him holding, kissing, touching, hugging a girl nauseated me. The pain & agony I went through cost about 2 years of my life. That’s a long time.

When we got back to the scootering place, he saw antique golf clubs for his father. But, the place was closed. I knew he REALLY wanted one, but unfortunately, there was no way of getting one. I knew he was disappointed. There was nothing I could do to help either. I asked the owner of the scootering about it, but he couldn’t help. There was no harm in asking.

It was so strange driving a car. On the ride home, he talked almost the whole time. I LOVED hearing his stories. At one point, he says, You love my stories, don’t you? Yes, “I love when you talk, tell me things,” I said. Of course. I asked him why he talks a decent amount in person, but on the phone, he’s a whole different person. He’s quiet, doesn’t say much, leaves it up to me to talk, tell him things. It gets frustrating I told him. I wanted him to talk, explain things to me. He says since works is so boring he doesn’t want to recount it, re-live his day. He wants to forget it. But, where does that leave ME? Nowhere. It can’t be fixed either. Unfortunately, the next time I talk to him, he will be down & untalkative.

Nevertheless, he went on & on on the way home. He talked about his past memories with friends. It was a change. “I” could sit & listen this time. HE would talk & lead the conversation. I did so well driving as well, merging & taking the right exits. We laughed, smiled & giggled together. It was such a perfect and nice day.

I needed to eat, so I chose Subway. I’ve been counting calories, so I only bought a turkey hoagie and a water. For the first time, he REALLY expressed his wish to eat like a normal human being. He wished he would eat at least two meals a day & be okay with it. He wanted Quizno’s.  Of course I wished along with him. Previously, we talked about him having problems when he dates a girl in the eating department. How would he explain to a girl that he can’t eat? Will she be as understanding as me? Who knows.

He went home to change out of his sweaty his clothes while I ate. He would come back & we would go on our famous Sunday night shopping run. He told me that he believes his mother & her boyfriend broke up. This made me sad because her boyfriend was one of my favorites. He was always there to make you laugh & smile. But, he’s not 100% sure.

When he came back to my house, he told my parents that I was a “slowsky” going only 35 MPH. He smiled & laughed & joked. It was cute.

We went on our run. He talked more. He wanted to pick out a corny movie for his friend’s wife. It was some sort of joke among all three of them. But “I” noticed the movie and then showed it to him. He thought it was perfect. It was such a cheesy picture on the front & cost $2.99. Why not?

We cursed, joked & laughed together the whole time. It felt like a real friends event & that was great. I don’t want a boyfriend right now. I’ve been having too much fun looking at guys. They’ve been giving me glances as well.

We got to his house & put all of the groceries away. On his birthday, I tied a balloon to his mailbox & when I entered his house, the balloon was sitting there. He REALLY liked that. It was very nice, he told me.

We left the house & headed to mine. He wanted to see how to converted YouTube videos to an MP3. We entered through the backyard since the front door was locked. My mom told us we looked so cute. But, we were just FRIENDS looking cute. Smiles on our faces.

I showed him then we just talked. Normally, he leaves 8:45. That night, he left 9:50. He had SUCH a nice time with me, I could tell. I wished every time I talked with him, he would be like that. That’s how he USED to be, laugh, joke & smile. No longer does he do that. Only when we are doing SOMETHING.

HE talked about the woman in work again. She’s taken but there’s something that  draws him to her. No way, no how, I told him. She’s taken with a child! Then, we switched to his father’s girlfriend’s son. I joked & said were we competing against one another to see who can have the greatest age gap. He’s 6-7 years apart from her, I’m 6 years from the son. Come on.

We just talked, laughed & smiled. That was the key to OUR day. It was special & nice.

I’m sure he didn’t want to leave, but he had to. I walked him out. The neighbor across the street had his shirt off with fat hanging down. He told me that it was a good thing that it was night. Perfect, huh?

But, the second best part. The Hug. It was longer & tighter than usual. You have no idea how that made me feel. You haven’t a clue how special I felt being the one to make his day, make him happy. Every time I do something for him, it makes me feel good.

The whole day we just talked, laughed & smiled.

But, I just can’t start “that.”

There was a surprise party scheduled for him, for his birthday, June 5th. Though, it was planned for the Sunday before it since everyone invited had to work during the week. Excitement ran through my body as I thought about going over there and feeling special in the company of his dad and girlfriend. I hadn’t seen them in a while and was gung-ho about heading over around 3:45.

The whole day, it ran through my mind. I tried everything to distract myself like, watching TV, reading, anything, but nothing worked. The thoughts constantly ran through my mind and there was no way to get rid of them. They sat and didn’t want to move.

The time ticked, but didn’t pass fast enough. It went very slow. I could barely eat due to the nervousness and anxiousness I felt inside. It was terrible and until THAT time hit, it would stay present.

Finally the time came and my brother & I got ready to head out the door. I rushed in order not to be late. I couldn’t. It would be his dad, girlfriend, her son, my brother, him & I. The surprise was just between the 5 of us.

The pair, his dad & girlfriend, was waiting outside for us. We exchanged hugs & how are you’s. Then, we made our way to the back patio. A few minutes later, her son appeared. I’d seen him before, but he looked cuter. He’s 29, but looked nothing of the age.

So, 4:00 comes, when the pair told him to come. He arrived, but isn’t surprised because he knew. He knew. How did he “know?”

We spent about an hour talking. All of us took turns telling a story, except him. He just sat there. He didn’t say much, just like every time we hang out. He was in one of “those” moods. I knew it well. When he wasn’t smiling or laughing, I knew how it would be. I ignored it and just went with the flow. After all, it was “his” birthday.

One thing I noted was he DOES talk about me and my two brothers. His dad knew what my brother was going to school for & wanted to know more about it. His girlfriend always listens, inquires and cares about what you have to say. The pair is very comfortable to be around & talk to.

Though, him & his dad went into debates where they begin shouting at one another. In the past, there was a time I sat there and had to listen to them fight about something. It was uncomfortable as their voices got higher and stronger and echoed throughout the whole room. But, this wasn’t the time or day to do this in front of everyone. Her son just rolled his eyes as him & his dad started. He knew it well & didn’t want to hear it.

After all of this mumble jumble, the four of us, him, her son, my brother & I played lawn darts. In a previous party, her son & I were on the same side, separate teams & we sucked. Then, the game was bag toss. However, this day, it was lawn darts.

Again, we stood on the same side. It was him & I, vs her son & my brother. We were paired. Her son & I, yet again, didn’t do too well and laughed, flirted a little? But, to my surprise, at the end, I dominated our team and they lost.

Him & I played against his dad & girlfriend. Again, I was doing quite well & everyone was shocked. No one could believe that I was that good. What happened?

His dad prepped the food. Meanwhile, I told his dad’s gf about my belly button ring. She desired to see it. But, before that, we talked about him. I expressed my frustration about phone conversations with him, how I would need to carry on the conversation in order to keep the phone call. He never said much. Slowly, he’s falling down the ladder & again, there’s nothing I can do.

His gf & I ran up to the bathroom so she could check out my ring. She was amazed and loved it. Her & I bonded and always have. She’s THE best thing that’s happened to his dad. She’s wonderful & my brother agreed.

The food was placed on the table in the kitchen. We were to get our food and then carry it out. As we grabbed our food, her son began to ask me some questions about columns I’ve published. I told him, then opened the door, since he had a plateful of food in his hand. Then, he carried my cup. It was sweet.

We conversed for a few minutes and we walked out to the patio. But, then we all became a group again and talked. In between, there were awkward phases, which left me grinding my teeth. Though, the silence wasn’t long, I still didn’t like the initial quiet in the air. I couldn’t stand it. His dad’s gf was always there to fill in the silence. She would randomly bring something up and go on & on about it, which put me at ease so I didn’t have to bear the silence.

Next, we sang Happy Birthday to him as he sat there unfazed by what was going on around him. Did he really make a wish or pretend to be happy in order to make the situation seem cheerful? His dad’s gf cut the cake & distributed the pieces, except to him because he can’t eat.

The presents were opened after the cake eating. I didn’t write the mushy gushy words this year because they would be wasted. Nothing I say or do will make it better, so why try? I had for three years & this year I decided to take another route and write a standard note. Nothing fancy, special, just a mere five sentences.

He thanked everyone & the talking begins again. We sat around & conversed. He started to talk a little more, smile, laugh, look alive. There HE was!

The sky blackened, the clouds settled in, it begins to pour and the wind blows furiously. We all headed inside to get away from the storm that was brewing.

In the house, we watched some TV. On couch one, my brother & I sat. On couch two, her son & I. Her son & I shared some stories & watched two YouTube videos. We kinda connected? As you see, I’m questioning all of this because I don’t want to fully commit to having a crush on him. I don’t want to start to think, picture stuff, begin THAT. I can’t. I won’t. It would be too complicated. My former bf’s dad’s girlfriend’s son. How outrageous! That would be absurd, awkward and strange. But, will he come & visit me at work? He now knows about my discount  that I can give him whenever he comes to the store. Nope. Don’t. Hush. Shut up.

We all had a nice time together & parted ways around 9:00. His dad & gf hug me & thanked me for coming. I was invited to their July picnic, which I didn’t even discuss with him, I just assumed I would come. Before we all left, her son told me to practice my bean bag tossing. That was our goodbye. I’m glad though.

I hugged him & wish him happy birthday. On the ride home, my brother & I talked. He had a pleasant time & didn’t mind conversing about it. He answered their questions with extensions and not just a Yes or No.

All in all, it was a nice, relaxing day for him.

But, I just CAN”T start “that.”