I’m in the kitchen getting my dinner ready for work. I’m scheduled 4-close and need to eat on my 30-minute break. But, then, all of a sudden, it comes. This overwhelming feeling of not wanting to go. It will be the same thing. I will walk into work, go upstairs to put my belongings in a locker, clock in, walk around looking for books to put back in their proper location, assist customers and answer phones. It goes round & round & round & round.
But, there’s something strange inside of me. I didn’t feel like going, I didn’t want to go. But, I need the money & I HAD to go. I told my mother about the feeling & her & my father followed me to work since it was so strong.
In work, I felt like crying. Literally, I was dreading walking into the door to endure 7 hours of strolling the store to ask customers if they needed help. I couldn’t shake the feeling for the rest of the night.
I swear, moments in the store, I felt as if I should no longer be on this earth. The thoughts that ran through my mind were horrendous. I felt as if I didn’t belong anywhere. Also, I’m not sure if my manager is a big fan of me.
Here’s a detail about myself, at work, if at least two people don’t like me, I no longer want the job. I CAN”T have anyone not like me. It’s like a disease. It spreads throughout my whole body & the feeling that I get becomes dreadful. I can no longer work at the job because two people aren’t fans of me. I know this is a rather dumb detail, but that’s how I am. That’s how it is. I wish I could shut off the feeling, ignore it, avoid it, brush it off, but it’s not that simple. It’s horrid & I can’t control it.
After closing time comes, I feel relieved. I can finally breathe.
But, what can I do to stop this feeling that overcomes my whole body?
[Though, at times the job get redundant, I will continue to do my best at work, because I don’t give up that easily. Don’t think this is a cope-out, I’m just simply stating my feelings on this matter]