I’m on edge. I swear I’m going to explode, burst, break down. I’m almost at my breaking point. I just keep thinking about death. I’m psyching myself out. I keep thinking about the death of my parents. I question if I’m strong enough to go through that. Currently, I’m questioning my strength. Am I even strong enough to do the most mundane things? I’m not sure right now.
I just keep thinking about death. All of my thoughts are focused on death. I know it’s realist, but I’m making myself ill. I’m harming myself by thinking too much. I don’t know how to stop myself. I’ve never been this bad. I didn’t think I could get to this’point where I’m almost insane. I’m a quiet girl, but when people continue to take advantage of you, it eventually gets to you. Another thing is I just don’t know my own strength. I’ve never gotten angry to the point where I can’t control myself. I’m afraid to get to that point. But, let’s be honest, I could get to that point. I could get so angry that I just lose control of the situation & become insane.
This is about so many things. It’s about him, school, work, money & life. Everything is just hitting the fan & making me feel completely & utterly depressed.
I do so much for him. I try to make him happy, I go out of my way for him, I look for places to go and things to do. But, the question that I continue to ask myself is does he appreciate it? Does he even care? He has never said “thanks for being a good friend” “thanks for being there for me.” Nope. He doesn’t say it nor show it. What am I supposed to guess? Am I just supposed to ‘know’? I’m not going to sit here & guess how much he truly cares for me. I’m annoyed, mad, pissed & frustrated with him. All of these things are hitting the fan & I’m not liking it. The only thing I want in return is appreciation. Is that SO much to ask for? I don’t need money or for him to take me somewhere, buy me things. I just simply want an out-of-the-blue ‘thank you.’ That’s all.
I’m always the one to plan events. He never texts me about anything. I’m always the one to do it first. He never suggests any places to visit. However, last night, my two brothers each got a text from him asking if they would be interested in an ultimate frisbee tournament. Now, stop here. My older brother is merely visiting for 10 days. Why would he ask HIM? I never got a text. I’m hurt. He can text them about going to a place, but can NEVER suggest ANYWHERE for us. Really. You’re joking, kidding, pulling my leg, right? No. Absolutely not. This is real. As of right now, I’m not speaking to him. Usually, I talk to him Friday, Saturday & Sunday. I didn’t this past weekend. Let him sit down & seriously appreciate me. He would be lost without me. This really frustrates me. It’s not that I want to end our friendship, it’s that I want to send him a message that if he doesn’t start appreciating me, I won’t do things for him. It’s really hurtful that you can do so much for someone to make them happy, but they won’t do a thing for you in return. I’m tired of it & I’m not going to sit here & continue to let it happen. I can’t & I won’t. He’ll get a taste of his own medicine. We won’t go anywhere, do anything, see how he likes it. See what happens if I don’t suggest ANY places, no vacations, nothing. Let’s see here…
To add to this frustration, work is depressing me. I do but I don’t want to search for another job. But, I haven’t decided yet. I’m in a dark place here & I don’t know how to get out of it. I don’t know what to do. I wish I could drive somewhere, anywhere, clear my mind. I’m about to vomit, puke & cry. I’m so exhausted that I can barely function. How can I get through this horrible time in my life? I need to talk to someone, vent, tell my troubles. I can’t keep it inside. It’s eating at me, I’m withering away to nothing. I’m breaking.
And, I’m nearly broken.