So, I’m done being pathetic.

Sign on. Sign off. Refresh. Reload. That’s what I’ve been doing the past few days since I friend requested one of my friend’s friend because I thought he was cute. Weird. Strange. And, also really unnatural of me. But, I felt compelled. Yes. I just wanted to do something different, something non-like my normal self. So, I wrote my friend a message that two of his friends were cute & I friend requested them.

Later on, he wrote me back & told me he was setting me up with one of them. Okay. Uh. I didn’t want THAT. I was simply telling him, letting him know. I didn’t expect him to say that.

What did I want?

What was I looking for?

I’m not sure.

In order to avoid the strangeness, I wrote the cute guy a message simply stating that after I saw him on my friend’s feed, I noticed he graduated from the university I attend. He majored in a subject I’m interested in & wanted to know if he landed a job. I didn’t want him to think I was strange, so I felt like it was best to do it like that.

That was all. Nothing strange about a normal question. Well, he said that he wouldn’t have accepted my request if he thought I was strange. How cute. Right? Kind of? Unfortunately, he hasn’t found a job in that industry, but he’s searching.

Okay. Typical answer. I should have stopped there & let it go, but you know me. I want what I want NOW. I can’t wait. What would you say after that? Basically, I told him good luck. Right. But, I kind of didn’t want to quit there because I wanted more. I wanted to talk to him more. Kind of know him? I’ve never met him, seen him or heard of him. I had NO other encounters with this guy. I just based him on his looks. That’s all. Apparently, I was told he accepted ME based on my looks as well. I’m cute. Yup. But, that was all.

We talked for a few minutes after that, but that was all. That was IT. He didn’t seem to want to talk. I can’t make him. And, besides, why would I? He could be a total jerk. Who knows? He just didn’t seem all that interested in talking to me anyway. There’s nothing to “give up” on because there’s nothing there. It’s so pathetic. Look at me now talking to a guy I don’t even know hoping he will write back to me. How dumb & stupid.

What do YOU think?

No reason to message him back. I believe if I did, I would just look even more pathetic than I do now.

This is what will most likely happen. I read the messages over, about three-four times more. Then, I think Why didn’t I say “that.” I continue to think about it for a number of days. Eventually, I’ll forget about him. Who is he anyway? No one I want to know if he won’t give an amazing, great girl like me a simply conversation. I’m not trying to sound conceded, but I’m an extremely nice, sweet, cute girl. Any guy would be lucky to have me. You have NO clue how long it took for me to say that about myself. Geez. I know.

But, after all that mumbo jumbo, let’s talk to a guy who is clearly interested in me.!

So, therefore, I’m done being pathetic.

Just save me!

We talked on the phone for about an hour & 35 minutes. We laughed & giggled. Mostly I told him stories, but he asked & commented on whatever I said. The conversation went great. It was filled with humor & silliness. Gosh, those types of conversations leave me wanting more, longing for something else. I didn’t want to end the call, but, cousins were over at my house & I could no longer talk. As the conversation came to a close, I mentioned Saturday, the 28th. That was supposedly ‘the’ day for his father & girlfriend’s picnic. They invited 50 family members to this party.

He told me that it wasn’t mentioned after that. It was dropped. There was no party taking place. But, my brother requested off for it. My brother & I spent lots of time talking about how the party would go, who he would meet, who he would speak to, all of that. Here, his father is going to the beach this weekend. That meant I wouldn’t see the son. I wouldn’t be able to beat him at the bean bag toss. I couldn’t. I mentioned the son to him nonchalantly. We spoke about the son for a minute before hanging up. That left me wondering when I would see the son again, talk to him.

Later that night, I asked my cousin for some advise regarding the son.She suggested I get his number & text him.Why not since I couldn’t stop thinking about him? He has the son’s cell phone. Could I ask him for it? I started out with a simple question, “Would it be completely & utterly weird if I texted [name]?” {I’m not saying his real name}. He says, “No u got those digits?” He had them. He was the one with them.

Eventually, after a while, during our conversation, the son’s number appeared in one of our texts. It was there. I had access to it.  Would I text? Am I ready? All of these questions popped in my mind. I mean, it’s what I wanted. I had his number right in front of me. All I had to do was copy it & send that text. And, what the hell would I say?

Then, he says, “Yea do it. he likes u so it wont matter how u start it off.” And there it was “he likes you.” He likes me? How does he know? Would I be ready? Am I willing to kiss another guy? Gosh, I just don’t know if I’m ready to be in another relationship. Though, it’s been 2 years, I still don’t know if I’m fully ready to date a guy.

Just then, I stopped. He told me to do it & see what happens. Come on! Do it. Why not? I can’t. I just don’t know if I want to start ‘something.’ I would be opening something if I sent that text. If he likes me, he might want to date me, be in a relationship. I’m just not ready for that. We had a connection, but I just kinda wanted to talk, get to know him, but not be in a relationship. Maybe that makes completely & utterly NO sense, but that’s it. I can’t. I won’t. I’m not ready yet. I’m not prepared.

And, what do YOU think? What’s YOUR honest opinion of this whole matter? Gosh am I confused. What the hell do I want?

And I just have to stop myself & ask, “What the hell do you want?”

What is it?

Who is it?

Why?

How will I get it if I’m so scared?

SAVE ME! Save me from my fears, being so goddamn afraid, so closed, so sad, so dumb, so stupid, from holding onto matters so long, from wanting him, needing him, breathing him, liking him so damn much, & crying myself to sleep because of him.

Just save me!

Oh, Warped Tour 2012

Bands, independent singers, crowds of people strange and normal, purple & blue haired, screaming fans needing to see “their” band. They are waiting to rush into the doors of Warped Tour 2012 in Camden, New Jersey.

As my cousin & I waited to enter, we saw various types of people. Many were obnoxiously shouting at one another while at a close distance to be an ass. During the day, there were a number of rude people who bumped into us without even a glance or an apology.

Passionate fans who closed their eyes & sung along were present, were in the tents where the bands played. It was incredible to watch their fans scream “I love you.” You can tell that music is apart of their lives. The bands & fans LIVE for this type of stuff. They will pay ANYTHING to see their favorite band live. My cousin is one of them. She is a dedicated fan who will go no matter what. I, on the other hand, went to keep her company. I knew about 4 out of the 17 bands. I just went to do something different. There was no other reason than that. Well that and to spend time with her.

I followed her like a puppy dog through crowds of shouting fans. I hated that. I hated following her all around. I wanted to do ‘my’ own thing some of the time, but who the hell did I know? What did I know about these bands? She saw almost 10 people who she stopped & talked to. Meanwhile, I stood there like an idiot smiling & laughing, trying to be friendly while she never even introduced me. I was only introduced to about 2 out of the 10? I had NO clue who he or she was. It was only for a minute, but still. That minute was very uncomfortable, to stand there awkwardly with someone you have no clue is. She told me “he’s in the band…..” Uh.. okay, sure, right. What’s the band called again? No clue.

Awkward pauses. Weird people. Passionate fans. Screaming singers. Loud, upbeat stages. Crowd surfing. Mosh Pits. Bloody noses. Cut eyebrows. Injured shoulder. Hand jobs. Making out. Dancing. Singing Along. Grinding. Hands, arms around one another. Laughing. Smiling. Shouting. Drunkards. Beer. $12.00 Chicken Tender Meals. $4.75 Pretzels. $3.00 Water Bottles. Food Everywhere. Garbage Blowing In The Wind. Money. Merchandise. MUSIC.!

These are the words that I associate with Warped Tour 2012. A girl stuck her hand down her man’s pants & stroked his package while he made pleasuring face gestures. It was utterly disturbing, but it was done in public.

At the end, my cousin said to me, “would you go again next year?” I stopped & wondered if I wanted to. Some of the time, I was a little bored. I stood there while everyone sung along. I was pushed, shoved & bumped . Would I go again when I don’t even know half of the bands? Maybe, but most likely not, unless someone else accompanies her & I.

Though, in the end, her & I did get closer. Our relationship has formed into a friendship & I do like it. It’s refreshing to become close to your cousin when our family has been so separated all these years. It’s a good thing.

But, all I have to say is, Oh, Warped Tour 2012.

He was just… my first everything.

I sat down in my room for at least 20 minutes. No music. No talking. No one home. No one to interrupt me in my time of thought. I wanted to seriously sit down & think why it took so long to get over him.

The past is the past & the present is the present. True. But, how can you live in the present when most of your thoughts are in the past? You must get over it, get over him, live and be free.

He was the first guy to see me unclothed. I mean nothing on my body. He was the first guy I could seriously sit down & confess to. He was the first guy that I had strong feelings for. He was the first guy I truly opened up to and never hid anything. He was the first guy to touch my breasts. He was the first guy I “dressed” up for. He was the first guy to give me that look.

First after first after first. That’s why it look so damn long to get over. You always remember your first. Therefore, how could I throw him away so easily? How could I not think about him, want him, long for him, need him, pine for him? He was always around to save the day. He helped whenever I needed him. He was everything to me. No way, no how could I break up our friendship. Before anything, that was the strongest part. The friendship we formed as we dated. This was such a HUGE occurrence in my life that it’s still with me. Go ahead, call me pathetic & what not. But, you can’t honestly sit here & tell me that you forgot about your first.

I love him as a friend, always have, always will. But, there comes a time when you need to realize that the past IS the past & the present IS the present. They are not the same & won’t ever be. I know. I know.

He was just.. my first everything.

There should be no more distractions or screwing around with my career.

I’m searching, looking, sifting through the pack, for something, someone to talk to. I have others to speak to, but I think I desire a fresh, new individual to listen to me. Someone who doesn’t know my current situation, someone who can give advice as an outsider.

I think I’m searching for someone right now. I’m so desperately longing for someone to connect with on another level. Someone to tell my problems to, discuss & talk for hours. I want someone new. A new face. And, I think that I need a change.

Why am I going out so much lately? I feel so desperate to find a guy. But, now that I’ve realized that I look completely pathetic, I will no longer yearn for this fairy tale guy. I won’t put myself through the pain, agony & disappointment when at a bar  I don’t get noticed in the crowd. Think about all the piles of girls that men have to sift through. It’s relentless & disgusting. If you don’t meet their exact standards, you’re thrown back into the pile. You haven’t been picked up & handled delicately because you don’t match what they’re looking for.

I’m just going to stay focused on my job, internship & future right now. Though I’ve said this many times, I’m really trying to commit to it this time. I have to, I need to. There’s no more excuses. No do overs here.

I don’t want to end up like him. He tells me that not having the career he wants eat at him. Literally, it eats at him. He says, Do you know anyone who it eats at as much as me?  No, no I don’t. But I told him that if I were in his boat, I would feel the same way. I would feel sick, disgusted & unfulfilled. I have a lot of competition around me with the field I’m going into: Journalism. You know how much pressure is placed on Journalists? A decent amount. But, I’m willing to take on the challenge. This is my career after all, my future, my time. No more dilly dallying around with guys, going out. I need to focus.

It’s July. That means that it’s “5” months until I graduate from college with a bachelor’s degree in English. Five Months. That’s not a whole lot of time. Therefore, in between having pure fun, without strings attached, I’m beginning to write more & really get experienced in the Journalism World. Let’s go fellows! Here comes Hope Kumor.

And, there should be no more distractions or screwing around with my career.

Don’t forget the name Hope Kumor

I’m a writer, thinker, dreamer, observer, etc. I’m Hope Kumor. I want you to remember that name, remember me when I leave this planet. Maybe a few months after I pass, no one will know me, no one will remember who I was, what I did, what I stood for. Despite this, I ask YOU to at least remember me in your thoughts, dreams and prayers. Check up on me once in a while, see what I’m doing, how I’m doing.

Before all of this, I’m going to be big one day. Huge. A superstar. I hope [no pun intended]. My dreams are to become a magazine writer, author and a relationship advisor/specialist/counselor. Currently, I’m aspiring to become a magazine writer first and foremost. I want to give relationship advice to struggling couples who need a little extra help in the relationship department. I’m here to help! Ask me. I won’t deny you. Don’t be afraid to contact me, email me at hopeandlove89@gmail.com. Check out my facebook page: Hope and Love, a personal blog.

I’m available for YOU. Don’t forget me. I’m smaller now, but you’ll see I’ll be big one day.

Just don’t forget the name Hope Kumor.

XOXO.

I can’t hold onto stuff forever.

I smile, laugh, act cheery & wide-eyed. I can make you smile in a drop of a hat with my cuteness. I can charm the hell out of you in a second. I can be so friendly & nice that you love talking to me. I can be uplifting & positive. But, sitting here alone with myself, I’m sad, depressed & silent. I’m two different people. I’m a fake, a fraud. Don’t believe me. I’m not that happy. In fact, I’m depressed. I know I’ve got all of this stuff going for me, but I just can’t be happy. For some reason, I won’t allow myself to become overjoyed about anything.

My friend told me that when I told her I was depressed,  I had no clue. You hide it rather well, she added. Yes, of course. I have to. I need to. At this point, if I don’t, I’ll be questioned. Others will ask me the question I can’t stand, What’s Wrong? I hate everything about it because even if you lie, they know that something is up. They know that you’re not acting yourself. They just KNOW.

As a child, I was never happy. I was always miserable. So far in my adult life, 22 being the key to an adult, I’m depressed. I know that sounds pretty dumb since I’m cute, I have a job, I’m going to college & have friends, but deep down inside, I’m sad. I can be fun & entertaining on the outside, but on the inside, I’m dull & boring. Do you want to be near me? Apparently I am fun. Others LIKE hanging out with me. But, to be honest, I don’t like hanging out with myself at times. I’m kinda blah…

I know that I shouldn’t put myself down because I’m just entering into the first stages of my adult life & there’s so much ahead, but when you’re one way for SO long, you tend to stay that way. I’ve been miserable since I was a child, therefore, I am miserable now.

I can’t help feeling this way. I just can’t pull myself out of this depression. Why is NOTHING ever good enough for Hope? Why? I’m not sure why. I need to dig deep. I need to really find myself. Therefore, I don’t think I’m ready for a guy. Am I? Am I really ready for another guy in my life when at times I still miss him? I still want him at times? It seems that I’m at an all-time high with my life & then everything comes crashing down. I’m cool, fine & happy when he talks about other girls. But, then, all of a sudden, out of no where, it comes. I swear that I push it away, but I can’t. It’s strong & the memories come flooding back. I distract myself. I’m making new friends, going on adventures & still here it comes: that feeling. That longing feeling where I want him so bad that I can taste him. It occurs when I least expect it. I hang onto things way too long.

I’m not that happy. Though, it has nothing to do with him,  I question that sometimes. I don’t want him back, I just can’t & won’t let go of the past for some reason. I continue to ask myself why, but it’s never answered. It’s always left there. It sits there until I come back to it. I was unhappy before I met him, so it’s unlikely that he’s part of it. Honestly, it’s me. It’s me & my stupid, dumb mind & brain. Let’s let SOMETHING go here.

After all, I can’t hold onto stuff forever.

Feeling like an outsider in the company of my ‘in-a-relationship friends’

A Friday night dinner with some friends, Friend 1: I’ve been dating him for six years. Friend 2: Well, we’ve only been together for a year. Friend 3:  Nice, I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years.   Me? I sit there & listen. Just merely listen to my three friends converse about their relationships, their boyfriends & all of the fun, interesting activities that they’ve been doing since the summer began.

Now, I’m single. I’m having fun checking out guys, flirting a little when a cute guy comes my way & watching as they check me out. It’s fun. However, there is a tiny part of me that would like to join my friends in having a significant other. I mean, I’m just recalling the rush of emotion & excitement when you know that you have a potential boyfriend. I remember it quite well. Currently, as I write this, I’m recalling how it made me feel: Good. And, I don’t need a boyfriend in order to be happy. You see, I’m graduating in December & trying to get all of my shit together so to speak. I’ve got an internship, a job & I’ll be writing for two newspapers in the fall. I have a lot on my plate. Do I really need a guy to distract me? Do I really need him to interrupt my plans? It’s simple, I don’t. But, I honestly can’t sit here & tell you that I would object if a guy came my way wanting to be with me. I wouldn’t.

For now, I just want  to live the single life & explore my options. Though, I don’t have any guys to “talk” to, I’m still planning to have fun.

All of my friends have boyfriends. Every. Single. One. Of. Them. So, I figured out that I need to have more single friends to hang out with, explore the city, hang out with guys & enjoy life. That’s my plan.

So, let’s get enjoy this single life despite feeling like an outsider in the company of my in-a-relationship friends.

I’m mostly just jealous.

In the midst of our conversation, he mentions that on Sundays there are ultimate frisbee games. Every Sunday. Okay. Alright. He’s not my boyfriend. We aren’t dating. We are merely friend. I get that. I do understand that & I’m fine with it.

He asks my brother & I if we would like to practice with him the Saturday before. Okay. Around 1:00, we head to the local school to practice throwing around the frisbee. I can only stay for a half an hour because I have work 3 hours later. I’m not very good at throwing the frisbee & my brother teaches me how to do it. After he tries to help me, I start to get the hang of it. But, it doesn’t really seem to matter to ‘him’ because I’m not going to the games. I was invited. I can go, but I’m not too interested.

The game begins at 10:15 A.M. The first time he attends the game is last Sunday. He texts me later on & tell me he’s so beat. It tired him out. He doesn’t mention the party that was going on at my house that he was invited to. That’s fine as well.

But, Sunday is the day we do stuff. I mean, I’m not starting “this” again. It’s just that I think I’m jealous that he’s starting something new & I’m not involved. I could be included, but I’m choosing to sit this one out. I guess I feel like he won’t need me after he continues to hang out with a new group. How absurd, huh? I have my group of friends, my own things & yet I’m a bit jealous. Also, I’m selfish because it seems that I want to keep him all for myself. I don’t want to share him. But, now he will have more to add to the conversation. He won’t need to say Nothing too much. He will have “something.” That doesn’t change the way I feel. I feel left out, jealous & unneeded. How dumb, stupid &childish. I know. But that’s how I feel. I can’t change my feelings. I can’t alter them.

I’m mostly just jealous.