I smile, laugh, act cheery & wide-eyed. I can make you smile in a drop of a hat with my cuteness. I can charm the hell out of you in a second. I can be so friendly & nice that you love talking to me. I can be uplifting & positive. But, sitting here alone with myself, I’m sad, depressed & silent. I’m two different people. I’m a fake, a fraud. Don’t believe me. I’m not that happy. In fact, I’m depressed. I know I’ve got all of this stuff going for me, but I just can’t be happy. For some reason, I won’t allow myself to become overjoyed about anything.
My friend told me that when I told her I was depressed, I had no clue. You hide it rather well, she added. Yes, of course. I have to. I need to. At this point, if I don’t, I’ll be questioned. Others will ask me the question I can’t stand, What’s Wrong? I hate everything about it because even if you lie, they know that something is up. They know that you’re not acting yourself. They just KNOW.
As a child, I was never happy. I was always miserable. So far in my adult life, 22 being the key to an adult, I’m depressed. I know that sounds pretty dumb since I’m cute, I have a job, I’m going to college & have friends, but deep down inside, I’m sad. I can be fun & entertaining on the outside, but on the inside, I’m dull & boring. Do you want to be near me? Apparently I am fun. Others LIKE hanging out with me. But, to be honest, I don’t like hanging out with myself at times. I’m kinda blah…
I know that I shouldn’t put myself down because I’m just entering into the first stages of my adult life & there’s so much ahead, but when you’re one way for SO long, you tend to stay that way. I’ve been miserable since I was a child, therefore, I am miserable now.
I can’t help feeling this way. I just can’t pull myself out of this depression. Why is NOTHING ever good enough for Hope? Why? I’m not sure why. I need to dig deep. I need to really find myself. Therefore, I don’t think I’m ready for a guy. Am I? Am I really ready for another guy in my life when at times I still miss him? I still want him at times? It seems that I’m at an all-time high with my life & then everything comes crashing down. I’m cool, fine & happy when he talks about other girls. But, then, all of a sudden, out of no where, it comes. I swear that I push it away, but I can’t. It’s strong & the memories come flooding back. I distract myself. I’m making new friends, going on adventures & still here it comes: that feeling. That longing feeling where I want him so bad that I can taste him. It occurs when I least expect it. I hang onto things way too long.
I’m not that happy. Though, it has nothing to do with him, I question that sometimes. I don’t want him back, I just can’t & won’t let go of the past for some reason. I continue to ask myself why, but it’s never answered. It’s always left there. It sits there until I come back to it. I was unhappy before I met him, so it’s unlikely that he’s part of it. Honestly, it’s me. It’s me & my stupid, dumb mind & brain. Let’s let SOMETHING go here.
After all, I can’t hold onto stuff forever.