Just save me!

We talked on the phone for about an hour & 35 minutes. We laughed & giggled. Mostly I told him stories, but he asked & commented on whatever I said. The conversation went great. It was filled with humor & silliness. Gosh, those types of conversations leave me wanting more, longing for something else. I didn’t want to end the call, but, cousins were over at my house & I could no longer talk. As the conversation came to a close, I mentioned Saturday, the 28th. That was supposedly ‘the’ day for his father & girlfriend’s picnic. They invited 50 family members to this party.

He told me that it wasn’t mentioned after that. It was dropped. There was no party taking place. But, my brother requested off for it. My brother & I spent lots of time talking about how the party would go, who he would meet, who he would speak to, all of that. Here, his father is going to the beach this weekend. That meant I wouldn’t see the son. I wouldn’t be able to beat him at the bean bag toss. I couldn’t. I mentioned the son to him nonchalantly. We spoke about the son for a minute before hanging up. That left me wondering when I would see the son again, talk to him.

Later that night, I asked my cousin for some advise regarding the son.She suggested I get his number & text him.Why not since I couldn’t stop thinking about him? He has the son’s cell phone. Could I ask him for it? I started out with a simple question, “Would it be completely & utterly weird if I texted [name]?” {I’m not saying his real name}. He says, “No u got those digits?” He had them. He was the one with them.

Eventually, after a while, during our conversation, the son’s number appeared in one of our texts. It was there. I had access to it.  Would I text? Am I ready? All of these questions popped in my mind. I mean, it’s what I wanted. I had his number right in front of me. All I had to do was copy it & send that text. And, what the hell would I say?

Then, he says, “Yea do it. he likes u so it wont matter how u start it off.” And there it was “he likes you.” He likes me? How does he know? Would I be ready? Am I willing to kiss another guy? Gosh, I just don’t know if I’m ready to be in another relationship. Though, it’s been 2 years, I still don’t know if I’m fully ready to date a guy.

Just then, I stopped. He told me to do it & see what happens. Come on! Do it. Why not? I can’t. I just don’t know if I want to start ‘something.’ I would be opening something if I sent that text. If he likes me, he might want to date me, be in a relationship. I’m just not ready for that. We had a connection, but I just kinda wanted to talk, get to know him, but not be in a relationship. Maybe that makes completely & utterly NO sense, but that’s it. I can’t. I won’t. I’m not ready yet. I’m not prepared.

And, what do YOU think? What’s YOUR honest opinion of this whole matter? Gosh am I confused. What the hell do I want?

And I just have to stop myself & ask, “What the hell do you want?”

What is it?

Who is it?

Why?

How will I get it if I’m so scared?

SAVE ME! Save me from my fears, being so goddamn afraid, so closed, so sad, so dumb, so stupid, from holding onto matters so long, from wanting him, needing him, breathing him, liking him so damn much, & crying myself to sleep because of him.

Just save me!

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