Don’t you just hate the next day after you do something so fun & so exciting? It’s absolutely depressing.

He comes over at 9:26 a.m. so that him, my younger brother & I can head to Dorney Park Wildwater Kingdom for my birthday. He talks to my dad for a few before we leave. As we walk out the door, he says Happy Birthday.

There are smiles, laughs, giggles, a little bit of flirting here & there, little touches, almost hand holding at times, I felt & jokes. All the ingredients to a perfect day.

Driving there is cake. It takes an hour & 45 minutes, without tolls of course. We all talk & exchange some stories. He talks about a girl at work that he struck out with since she doesn’t know how to continue a conversation. She lets it fall dry without even noticing or caring. Then, he talks about another woman who is off limits, but thinks she likes him. How? Am I jealous? Nah, I’m okay. I’m good.

Finally, when we got there, he seems disappointed that we aren’t going to the actual park, rather the water park. It’s my birthday, so it’s my decision. Besides, I figured he couldn’t go on rides after an experience a few years back where he wasn’t able to ride on almost anything.

We exchange smiles & laughs, the three of us as we approach the park,with our  bathing suits & tickets in check. After looking at ourselves in the mirror & going to the bathroom, we head to the first ride, Patriot’s Plunge. For each ride, we have to stand in line from 5-20 minutes, depending on the ride. It’s quite annoying, but it’s a nice day to get together & go to the water park.

Some rides we go on twice. At times, he flirts with me by touching or mocking me. Also, throughout walking around the park, I swear he was going to hold my hand. There are times our hands brush up against one another & I think he’s going to grab onto mine & never let go.

He keeps smiling at me. We are all in bathing suits, nothing else. I believe he checked me out.

As 2:23 struck, my younger brother & I grab a pretzel to nibble on. We sit & eat. After a while, I check my phone to see if I got any texts. I am supposed to go out, but the plans still aren’t 100%. This guy I kind of think is cute at work texts me Happy Birthday Hope. I invited him out with us the night before to celebrate my birthday the next day. He told me he might make it, he would let me know.

So, he turns to me & asks, Has anyone interesting texted you? Yes, the cute guy. I told him a little bit about him. He laughs & thinks I made up the name. I show him the text & he teases me about him the whole rest of the day.

After a little while, we go on our way. In line, he hardly says a word. My younger brother & I chat a bit. We don’t include him because we know he won’t want to add much to the conversation. He’s quiet on & off. I’ve known him for 4 years & he does it all the time.

He’s hot & he’s cold, he’s yes & he’s no. -Katy Perry, Hot N’ Cold

That’s certainly him. He never brings up our relationship & he does on this day. Why? How strange.

Then, he asks if the guy is cuter than him. Why do you ask? I mean, he is probably joking, but who knows since the other things occurred. Who knows what’s truthful & what’s not.

We go on this challenging obstacle where you must go across this rope like monkey bars balancing on this lilly pad trying not to fall in the water. Once I am done, him & my younger brother try. His eyes are kept on me the whole entire time. His stare is overwhelming, but I kept it. I stared right back. That stare was different than the rest of them. His eyes focused on me & nothing but me. I began to melt, but I didn’t.

Overall, the whole day is enjoyable since he’s in a good mood. Though, at times he’s quiet & possibly bored, it is still a pleasant day.

I know that the day will soon end. I dread the last ride because I know the day is practically over. There’s the car ride home, presents from him & the family, cake & going out. Then, it’s the 22nd. After the 21st, it’s all over. School is in 5 days & summer ends. I try not to think about it, but it’s too hard.

The flirting, near hand holding, asking about cute guy & bringing up our relationship is overwhelming.

On the ride home, he tells me personal things. He feels isolated with no one around him. He wants to meet new people. He needs to. He doesn’t have many others to talk to besides me. That depresses me. That pains me. That makes me sick,ill & ready to puke.

need to help him. I want to help him. He needs me.

He has to get my present then come back to the house. My family asks about our day & says happy birthday.

A little bit later, he comes back with two cards in his hand & a gift box. Hm..what’s that?

The first card is from his mother. She always gets me a $25 Kohl’s Gift Card. Then, his. which says, Birthday Advice 5 cents     Friends are the best therapy    Happy Birthday to the one who keeps me sane!

Him, Please find enclosed all the thanks I owe you.    It’s a One Million Fake Dollar Bill.

How cute, clever & fantastic. Then, the necklace. He buys me a necklace. W-o-w. It says, True Friends are joined at the heart. He picked that saying. He did. On his own. Okay.

Now, I’m NOT in any way thinking too much into this especially because he always talks about that one woman in work & other girls. I’m not. I’m just simply stating that it’s interesting how much occurred on my 23rd birthday.

Clearly, he didn’t want to leave, but I had to eat dinner, take a shower, open my other presents, do the cake & go out. I had other things to do.

I walked him to his car & thanked him for the nice day. A hug. He seemed as if he was stalling. He’s prolonging our goodbye.

I told him I would invite him out with me sometime. See how my friends perceive him. I’ll let him meet people.

But, I don’t get it. Why? I mean, no I’m not going back there, but why?

He pisses me off, I can’t live without him, he pissed me off, I can’t live without him. That’s how it is. There’s no winning in this battle.

That night, I went out wanting him. I didn’t want to go out. I was quiet & there was no use for me to be there even though it was FOR me. I don’t work well in groups. I can’t. I get shy & quiet. I can’t. It just doesn’t work.

Gosh, I cried for him. I don’t want him, but I KNOW he needs me. I hate this. I hate feeling like this.

The next day, I felt utterly lost & depressed. Everything is over. The reality that I’m going to be so bogged down with homework that I can barely breathe is settling in.

Don’t you just hate the next day after you do something so fun & so exciting? It’s absolutely depressing.

It’s my birthday, so let’s have fun!

Another year gone by. So many things have changed. In a year, there can certainly be many alterations.

I’m 23 today. That’s what my age is. When people ask me, How old are you? I will reply, 23. It will change. It will be a new age for me.

I hate getting older & older every year. It’s horrible, terrible & disgusting. I hate each & every day that I get closer to death. You die a little bit each day. It’s rather sad & depressing.

But, maybe with this new age will come positive events in my life. Maybe life will become a bit more exciting & positive. Maybe good things are heading my way & I just don’t know it. Maybe. Think about all of the possibilities & big events coming with this age.

I graduate. I’m supposed to go into the “real” world. I’ll have my 3rd internship. Maybe have another relationship.

I hope this birthday will be the best yet. I hope I get all of my wishes just for one day. One Day. Let’s have a fun & delightful birthday with dancing, sharing some drinks with friends & enjoying myself.

I can’t believe today is my birthday. We’ve finally come to “the day.” I’ve been waiting for my birthday since last year.

It’s my birthday, so let’s have fun!

You decide: Am I too thin?

You’re too Thin. You need to gain weight. You’re skin & bones. 

This is all I hear around me. But, if you look at me, I’m  neither too thin nor large. I’m perfect. I’m in the middle. I just need a solid body, that’s all. I’ve been working out in order to fix the flab. It’s coming along, as I jiggle less. It’s just a hard process. I’m not trying to lose weight, more so gain muscle. I’m NOT to thin.

My brother & I went for a walk the other morning without letting anyone know because I would hear about it. My mother would question why I want exercise because I’m skinny enough as it is. Well, even “skinny” people need exercise.

After she found out that we were gone, she called my brother on his cell & needed to know our location. She was worried about us. However, when I got home to a pssstt, it was more annoyance on their part than worry. My mother told me I needed to see a psychiatrist. Really? For what? Because you’re too thin, she would shout.

I’ve always had these weight issues. When I was young, I was as skinny as a rail. By 8th into 9th grade, I gained weight & you could tell I was a little paunchy. You could notice it. So, after that, I began to work out & lost about 13 pounds. I looked & felt better.

In the last two years, the weight topic ALWAYS reappears. When it comes, I ignore it. I don’t want to hear about it. My mother constantly repeating how thin I look. That would get old to anyone. My family thinks I’m “too thin,” but my friends say I’m perfect. So, that begs the question, which is it? Am I too thin?

Though, I know I’m not fat, at times, I feel it, just like everyone else.

Every girl has a weight issue. That’s just a sensitive topic for girls. You try to avoid it at all costs. Just don’t go there because you’ll be sorry. You’ll regret saying ANYTHING. Trust me on this one.

I’ll let you decide, am I too thin?

Yup, that’s me, Ms. Stupid.

We talk on the phone almost every weekend without seeing each other since either one of us is busy. We talk, laugh, giggle & tell stories. It’s always the same drill. He talks of girls, I talk of guys. We trade tales about girl/guy interests. I’m fine. I’m good. He likes a girl, I kinda of like a guy. He knows the guy. Actually, it’s “the son” [see my previous posts in order to understand]. It’s settled. I’m okay. I no longer want him. He’s too complicated. Too difficult. Too fickle. Too hot & cold. Too much.

I tell myself this every time I start. I start to think, wonder, ponder about him. I stop myself.

The past few days, he’s been in high spirits. He talks about a girl at work. I listen, offer advice & simply don’t have an interest in him. It’s okay. We’re good here.

Before I move onto the next day, let me fill you in on what has happened. I texted “the son.” We talked & texted for a few, but that was it. It didn’t seem as if he were interested in me. Did he go on a date? Was he involved with a girl? Did he not like me? What was it? Since “the son” is his father’s girlfriend’s son, he knows all. He tells me that, recently “the son” went on a date, but it went sour. Okay. Fine. He’s not much of a texter. Therefore, that means he will no longer text me. Also, I won’t have a chance. There’s no way I’m texting him for the third time. It’s time for him to step it up if he desires to speak. If not, I didn’t want him THAT badly.

So, after he tells me this, I have to admit, I was a bit bummed. Disappointed maybe. He was going to Ultimate Frisbee & my brother was accompanying him. Okay. I don’t care about that one bit. Cool. Go. Have fun. Be careful.

Thursday, I was asked if I would like to work Sunday 12-8. I wondered, pondered & thought about it because it’s Sunday. It used to be our special day & I would prefer not to work on this day. No religious reason, I would rather spend it doing another activity. So, for the past few days, I fought with my mind. Well, would we hang out on Sunday? Should I not take it because of him? Do I really want a 12-8 shift? I thought & thought & thought. But, honestly, would he ever REALLY think about me while considering if he should take a shift? Would he add me in as a factor to not go? I don’t think so. I let him go, have his fun.

For some reason, I woke up around 7:35 this morning. My dog was crying. I fed her. After that, I watched t.v. Weird & strange of me to do. I knew he was coming over between 9-9:15 to pick up my brother. I got out of bed around 9:00 because I had to eat breakfast. My brother got ready & then sat with me.

Then, a knock. He was here. I looked gross, but he was here. My brother let him in. Now, I have no clue why, but I was nervous & a little shaky. I saw him. His hair looked good. But, why was I shaky? What compelled me to shake like that? I thought I was done. Over. Case Closed with that. That doesn’t mean that the feelings came back, I’ve just always had such a rush seeing him.

We talked for a minute. They left & I watched. I ran to the window to see them drive away. This song came to mind: ” I’m Not Over You” by Carolina Liar. And, why? Why? Why? Why?

I was a little sad. It’s stupid. Dumb. Absurd. Foolish. Idiotic. Moronic. Silly. Nuts.– I just looked up synonyms for “stupid.”

Yup, that’s me, Ms. Stupid.

Oh, gosh, and I’m stuck.

Choose. Pick. Decide. Ponder. Wonder. Consider. Think. Options.

Big decisions are heading my way & I can barely catch my breath. Which route would be more beneficial for my career? Which one will steer me in the right direction? No matter which one I choose, I’ll be scared as hell. There’s always the possibility of being wrong. Wrongfully choosing this route can lead one into a dead end. Which one is right?

4 months. That’s how I long I have. 4 months until I graduate from college with a bachelor’s degree.

Yesterday, I was just informed that in order to obtain an internship, I must take an internship class. That means  instead of searching & sifting through jobs for the spring, I would take the class & have an internship at the same time. That is the ONLY way I can acquire an internship. I’m left with so many internship options that I can’t even decide.

The two options I’m considering, and you never know, I may not get them, are NBC10 or Philadelphia Magazine. What’s my ultimate goal? To become a magazine writer, but at the same time, NBC10 is BIG, HUGE, GIGANTIC. Which would be the better option? What do I want? Which do I choose?

I need to make a list of the pros & cons of each.

They are BOTH excellent opportunities, but I need to ask myself, which is more beneficial in the long run? Something tells me NBC10, but Philadelphia Magazine would be more convenient.

Oh, gosh, and I’m stuck.