Yup, that’s me, Ms. Stupid.

We talk on the phone almost every weekend without seeing each other since either one of us is busy. We talk, laugh, giggle & tell stories. It’s always the same drill. He talks of girls, I talk of guys. We trade tales about girl/guy interests. I’m fine. I’m good. He likes a girl, I kinda of like a guy. He knows the guy. Actually, it’s “the son” [see my previous posts in order to understand]. It’s settled. I’m okay. I no longer want him. He’s too complicated. Too difficult. Too fickle. Too hot & cold. Too much.

I tell myself this every time I start. I start to think, wonder, ponder about him. I stop myself.

The past few days, he’s been in high spirits. He talks about a girl at work. I listen, offer advice & simply don’t have an interest in him. It’s okay. We’re good here.

Before I move onto the next day, let me fill you in on what has happened. I texted “the son.” We talked & texted for a few, but that was it. It didn’t seem as if he were interested in me. Did he go on a date? Was he involved with a girl? Did he not like me? What was it? Since “the son” is his father’s girlfriend’s son, he knows all. He tells me that, recently “the son” went on a date, but it went sour. Okay. Fine. He’s not much of a texter. Therefore, that means he will no longer text me. Also, I won’t have a chance. There’s no way I’m texting him for the third time. It’s time for him to step it up if he desires to speak. If not, I didn’t want him THAT badly.

So, after he tells me this, I have to admit, I was a bit bummed. Disappointed maybe. He was going to Ultimate Frisbee & my brother was accompanying him. Okay. I don’t care about that one bit. Cool. Go. Have fun. Be careful.

Thursday, I was asked if I would like to work Sunday 12-8. I wondered, pondered & thought about it because it’s Sunday. It used to be our special day & I would prefer not to work on this day. No religious reason, I would rather spend it doing another activity. So, for the past few days, I fought with my mind. Well, would we hang out on Sunday? Should I not take it because of him? Do I really want a 12-8 shift? I thought & thought & thought. But, honestly, would he ever REALLY think about me while considering if he should take a shift? Would he add me in as a factor to not go? I don’t think so. I let him go, have his fun.

For some reason, I woke up around 7:35 this morning. My dog was crying. I fed her. After that, I watched t.v. Weird & strange of me to do. I knew he was coming over between 9-9:15 to pick up my brother. I got out of bed around 9:00 because I had to eat breakfast. My brother got ready & then sat with me.

Then, a knock. He was here. I looked gross, but he was here. My brother let him in. Now, I have no clue why, but I was nervous & a little shaky. I saw him. His hair looked good. But, why was I shaky? What compelled me to shake like that? I thought I was done. Over. Case Closed with that. That doesn’t mean that the feelings came back, I’ve just always had such a rush seeing him.

We talked for a minute. They left & I watched. I ran to the window to see them drive away. This song came to mind: ” I’m Not Over You” by Carolina Liar. And, why? Why? Why? Why?

I was a little sad. It’s stupid. Dumb. Absurd. Foolish. Idiotic. Moronic. Silly. Nuts.– I just looked up synonyms for “stupid.”

Yup, that’s me, Ms. Stupid.

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