It’s all so uncertain.

It’s a lie, a joke, a prank. It’s untrue, false, unheard of.

Actually, it’s real.

Lately, all I can think about is my old co-worker. He has cancer. I’m not used to reading statuses that say, “Chemo went well, but I feel sick.” Status, after status, after status. How could I face him again knowing that at any second he could leave this earth?

I over think EVERYTHING. There isn’t one thing that doesn’t cross my mind throughout the day. My thoughts range from happy to sad to morbid to depressing & back to happy. It’s how I am. It’s who I am. I. Can’t. Stop. I try. Believe me, I do, but the thoughts stay with me.

Sometimes, I think I do it out of pure entertainment, or possibly enjoyment, something else to focus on besides my current situation, besides MY life. Say I focus on my feelings for him. I’m not dealing with my own life. Or, if I constantly think about death. That’s not what I’m going through at the time. You see, I step away from everything that’s happening. It’s a distraction, a mind sort of act.

I create ideas, thoughts & imaginations in my head. I explore them, I try to live them, I dream them. They can be simple or elaborate.

In regards to my former co-worker, I keep thinking that it’s a dream. I pretend that he’s not sick. How could he be? He was okay the last time I saw him. He’s making it up. He’s not really ill. But, it’s the truth & nothing but the true. I just have to accept it & move on.

It’s real. It’s really happening.  But why? Nobody knows. Nobody will ever know “why this” “why that” “why me” “why not her.”

As I’ve noted before, everything is uncertain. There’s no script we’re following. It’s pure, real life here, folks. What’s the next step? I’m sorry, I can’t tell you or help you with that. Sometimes you make your own destiny & other times, you don’t.

It’s just all uncertainty.


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