I Don’t Know.

I don’t know.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know why I have such high expectations. Right now, I should be on top of the world. Graduating in December with an amazing guy by my side. It sounds like a perfect situation to be in, but I’m worried, struggling & disgusted with myself.

I feel disconnected, outside my body, on the outside looking in. Who am I? Why do I feel so lost on this particular stormy, fall day? Why do I feel so conceited as I put on makeup in the morning? Why am I such a bitch? Why can’t I appreciate what’s right in front of me? Why? These questions need to be answered, but they are too complicated to begin to sort through. It’s hard & difficult.

In 3 days it will be November. That means in 1 month this will be over. I will graduate with a Bachelor’s Degree in English. What then?! What happens if I don’t get any of these internships I’m applying to or find a job? Literally, I’m petrified. I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. I need to focus on my studies, but now that I have a boyfriend, it makes my situation a bit complicated. I’m not sure if I can keep up. I’m not sure if I can be a real girlfriend right now.

I have to be on my A game. I need to sort, sift, search & look for jobs, write cover letters & critique my resume. He doesn’t. He’s going to continue working at his job so in 2 years, when he has more money, he can pursue a Master’s Degree in Creative Writing. At the moment, other than graduating, he has no real worries in the world. I DO. I need to focus on MY career goals. Do I have time? I have no clue.

I’m iffy. I’m not sure right now about anything, not even myself. I can’t commit to anything right now because everything is so uncertain.

I feel weird, strange & different. I’m not myself today. It’s hitting me hard. It’s as if a wave is crashing down on me. I feel it. I can no longer run or hide from papers, studying, cover letters or my resume. I need to embrace them. I need to finish them so I can breathe & maybe have time for my boyfriend. I’m not exactly sure what I’m doing here.

Who Am I?

I continue to ask myself this question all morning. I vent to my mom about my current situation, but she can’t help. No one can. It’s on ME. These are MY decisions. She says, No matter what I’ll support you.  That’s a great mom for you, but it’s only me who can decide what I want. What the hell do I want?

I want to get one of these internships. I want to get a good job. I want to appreciate my life & boyfriend. I want to get all of this work done that is dangling in front of me.

Mostly, I just want to be happy.

He’s worth it & he’s my boyfriend.

He sits closer, looks into my eyes & says, I know that we’re really busy with homework, live a little distance apart, are a little different & are graduating in December, but I wanted to ask you, will you be my girlfriend?

On October 22nd, 2012, new guy asked me to be his girlfriend. Naturally, I accepted. My feelings for him have gotten stronger & stronger as time went on. The only issue I have is the amount of times he touches me. He always needs to touch me. Yes, I like him, but I’ve always had personal space issues. I don’t like to constantly be touched. I’m not like that. It turns me off. We talked about it & it’s all good.

He met my parents & I met his. So quick! So fast. It’s hard not to compare new guy to him, but new guy is a lot sweeter. He opens doors for me, pays, shuts the car door & offers to carry my belongings if I have too much in my hand, etc. He supports me. He’s the sweetest guy I’ve ever met. But, what is it?

I have so much to do. So much stuff to get done. But, this is real. My feelings are strong. This is a real relationship & it’s happening so fast. Slow. It. Down. I won’t be able to keep up. I will get left in the dust. We’ve got to gradually & slowly work through issues & problems that may arise from having a relationship. It’s a job. It’s not easy. It takes time, work, effort & patience.

But, as he tells me constantly, You’re worth it.

He’s worth it. & he’s my boyfriend.

What a horrible, terrible night that went from good to bad.

Did you see his face? Did you see the way he looked? Did you see his reaction when he found out the group was a bust?

Another letdown. I can’t put into words how sorry I am, how bad I feel. I can’t help but keep repeating the situation over & over in my mind. It just continues to replay again & again.

To start, how excited he was. How he opened up to me. How his face fell when he discovered the night would be a train wreck. I tried to make it up to him. I tried to help. I attempted to make the night better. I was determined to try everything I could to make it better.

have to make it better. That’s me. That’s who I am. That’s what I do. If I can’t do that, I feel like shit. I feel powerless.

I just want to go home & go to bed, he repeats twice. That sentence echos over & over. I can’t shut my brain off. But, did that really happen AGAIN? We’ve been planning, gearing, hoping, wishing for this night. This was supposed to be “the night” that solved all our problems. He would meet a groups of guys to hang out, or possibly a girl. That’s what was supposed to occur.

The night should have played out as followed: We get there & see various groups playing games like monopoly, scramble, Yahtzee, etc. They would invite us into the game. That’s when him & I would converse & get to know our teammates. We would stay until the end, 9:00. We would agree to “do this again.” He would exchange numbers with one of the guys to get together soon. I would mention hanging out with a few of the girls as well. It would be a great night. He would have left smiling, happy, giggling & laughing. On the ride home, we would have talked about the night and how much fun we had.

Nope. Not even close. Nothing like this scene described.

Actual happening: We walk into a group of people in various groups playing games like Dungeons & Dragons. Maybe two or three people look at us, but no one says anything. We are left standing there like buffoons. He turns to me & asks, Do you want to leave? We head out the door.

I knew what would happen as soon as we left. It would be a mess. He says, My dad told me to call him & tell him how it went. Wow. Ouch. Crazy. That’s a punch in the stomach. I called my brother to see if there were any popular bars in the area, since he attended Drexel University, which was nearby. No answer. He was busy. I wanted to make the night a little bit better. It was MY job to do it. It didn’t work out because 1) He really can’t drink with his stomach   2) He says it would have been too late by the time we figured out the plans.   That was scraped. It was over. He would be in a mood the whole rest of the night. I really wouldn’t be able to joke with him. Nothing mattered. Nothing would work. I was doomed. I was done. He checked out after that, barely speaking & sharing what was on his mind. But, I didn’t need him to tell me because I KNEW. I KNOW him. I knew what was going through his mind: frustration, anger, rage, disappointment & sadness. I couldn’t fix this. I offered to go with him another time. I don’t want him to give up on ANYTHING. His arabic. His job hunting. His friend hunting. His girl hunting. I will be there for him. I’m a great friend. Just because I have a new guy doesn’t have anything to do with him. Being a good friend & having a guy are totally different. I really care about him. I would do whatever I could for him.

I don’t care how busy I am. I’ll catch up & go with him again if he needs me because again, that’s me. That’s who I am. I care. I love.

I just hope he doesn’t do anything drastic like hurt himself, whether it’s killing himself or harming himself. He’s soo close to doing this & I need to monitor him. I do. I need to tell my new guy about this situation to make him understand. There’s nothing between him & I other than friendship. I should explain this to my new guy.

What a horrible, terrible night that went from good to bad.

Two worlds, Two selves.

I’m two people in two different worlds. Over here I’m friends, but over here I’m more than friends. I need to alter, change myself when I hang out with each one.

Today was supposed to be a good day. I would hang out between classes with my new guy then go to a meet up group with him. It was all good.

The new guy that I’m talking to is amazing, sweet, funny, smart, cute, etc. He buys me dinner [I always offer him money], he opens doors for me, he says/texts sweet things. He’s just GREAT. We’re beginning to get more comfortable with one another. I can feel it. He’s starting to talk more, tell me things. We trade stories, how our days are going, etc.

After we hang out, grab a bite to eat & walk to the train station to board the train, I begin to morph into the other person. A girl who is less flirty & cute. More so almost my normal, typical self. There’s no flirting, just kidding around. There’s no cutesy talk, just regular chatter. It stops.

He has the address to the place. It takes us about 40 minutes to get there between getting lost & having to use the restroom. He laughs & smiles. He’s happy, maybe a bit excited. He could potentially meet a girl, meet new people.

Then, we approach the place around 6:40 p.m. It’s time to go in & see which games to play. But, he hesitates. He says, Should we go in? I’m not sure.  It was one of those Dungeons & Dragons type of events. I took the initiative & walked in. Come on, man. I took another train for him, I read my homework early for him, I stayed down at Temple for him, for this event. We have to go in now. We have to check it out. I forewarned him that this type of event would be filled withweird, strange gamers, but he didn’t listen to me. He wanted to go anyway & I went along with it.

As I figured, there were little groups of people playing “those” games. No one even paid attention to us. They didn’t care we were there. They didn’t give a shit that we were standing in front of the room looking on to see what everyone was doing. We split, we left. I can tell you that I find so terrible, horrible, shitty for him. He told me he felt like he was going to throw up. You just have NO idea what he’s been through. Rejection after rejection after rejection, disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. I. Felt. For. Him. I tried to make it better by offering to do something else, anything else. Go to a bar. He really can’t drink because of his stomach. Go to a club. He doesn’t like to dance. Okay. Okay. What then? I called my brother to ask if there were any bars around that area since he went to school not too far from the place. No answer. He was busy, but even when I texted him to ask him, he didn’t know anyway.

We were done. He wanted to go home & sleep. Sleep so this disgusting, terrible, endless day would be over & done. Gosh, what could I do? What could I say to make it all better? As we left the place, I asked him if he wanted to go back in, try it again. Nope.

I would have went anywhere he wanted. After all, it was only 7:00. I had time. I’m caught up. I could have done SOMETHING. But, nope. Nada. Nothing.

The thing is I’m really happy over here with this new guy, school, work & my life. Meanwhile, he’s utterly depressed. I told him if there are anymore of those events, let me know. Don’t worry about it, he says.

You don’t get it. I HAVE to worry about it, I NEED to worry about it. That’s me, I care. I worry. I love. That’s who I am.

I don’t know how to get him out of this funk. All I know is I’m happy with Mr. Wonderful.

I’m just in two worlds with two selves.

Gosh, I want to think optimistically, but it’s hard sometimes

I sit here thinking, wondering, pondering what to write. My feelings? My future? Graduation?

Two months. That’s all until I graduate from college. It really hit me tonight as I continue to write cover letters & revise my resume for internships, what happens if I don’t get any of them?!

Literally. What happens? I. Have.No.Idea. I don’t have another plan. “That” was my plan. The internship WAS my plan, IS my plan.

Recently, I sent a cover letter & resume to Cosmo. Yes, the women’s sex magazine. I want to write for them especially because if my resume has that on it, what company won’t want to snatch me up? Seriously.

I’m so apprehensive. You have no clue. What to do. What to do. What to do. What DO I do if I don’t get ANY of them?! Let’s be realistic. Let’s be truthful. It’s possible. It’s possible that my cover letter will suck in their eyes. They may hate it. Trash it. Burn it. Spit on it. That’s how the magazine industry works. It’s huge. And, that’s why I’m so nervous. I’m an average Joe. What do I bring to the table that others don’t? I have passion. They have passion. I have drive. They have drive. I believe that I have what it takes & so do they. See. I’m competing against these males & females with the killer resumes, while I don’t have much.

What will happen? Will I get it? What will come about?

Gosh, I want to think optimistically, but it’s hard sometimes.

So far, he’s just so amazing!

I can’t concentrate. I can’t do homework. I can’t do the things I need to do.

Well, the “right” moment came. I spoke to him. You’ll never guess his age. 26. On October 21st, he’ll be 27. He is 4 years older than me, but I’m fine with that. I’ve been spending lots of time with him. He likes me, I like him a lot.

He’s sweet, caring, adorable, nice, funny, smart & cute. He’s EVERYTHING I ever wanted in a guy. Who knew?! Who would have thought? I keep asking myself, is this really happening?! Could I finally have a boyfriend?!

Oh, don’t worry, I’m ready. No worries. No concerns. I’m fully ready to commit to this guy. He’s special. Already, I could see myself falling for him. It’s so early since we’ve only hung out twice, but already, he’s shown me he’s caring & loving. He’s lovely. He’s adorable.

I can’t help but talk about him. I need to shut myself up. I need to keep quiet. Hush. Shush. Shut the f**** up!

It’s terrible, horrible, disgusting, ridiculous, absurd. Just be quiet for a moment.

I see him every.single.day, which is a perk since he lives 45 minutes away. He’s graduating the same time I am, this December.

The only problem is that when I begin to think about him, I can’t get any work done. Nothing. Nada. I need to do my work. I need to do the things I’m supposed to. I can’t let a guy overrule all my responsibilities. I know he’s probably feeling similar to me. He has to be.

And, so far, he’s just so amazing!