Two worlds, Two selves.

I’m two people in two different worlds. Over here I’m friends, but over here I’m more than friends. I need to alter, change myself when I hang out with each one.

Today was supposed to be a good day. I would hang out between classes with my new guy then go to a meet up group with him. It was all good.

The new guy that I’m talking to is amazing, sweet, funny, smart, cute, etc. He buys me dinner [I always offer him money], he opens doors for me, he says/texts sweet things. He’s just GREAT. We’re beginning to get more comfortable with one another. I can feel it. He’s starting to talk more, tell me things. We trade stories, how our days are going, etc.

After we hang out, grab a bite to eat & walk to the train station to board the train, I begin to morph into the other person. A girl who is less flirty & cute. More so almost my normal, typical self. There’s no flirting, just kidding around. There’s no cutesy talk, just regular chatter. It stops.

He has the address to the place. It takes us about 40 minutes to get there between getting lost & having to use the restroom. He laughs & smiles. He’s happy, maybe a bit excited. He could potentially meet a girl, meet new people.

Then, we approach the place around 6:40 p.m. It’s time to go in & see which games to play. But, he hesitates. He says, Should we go in? I’m not sure.  It was one of those Dungeons & Dragons type of events. I took the initiative & walked in. Come on, man. I took another train for him, I read my homework early for him, I stayed down at Temple for him, for this event. We have to go in now. We have to check it out. I forewarned him that this type of event would be filled withweird, strange gamers, but he didn’t listen to me. He wanted to go anyway & I went along with it.

As I figured, there were little groups of people playing “those” games. No one even paid attention to us. They didn’t care we were there. They didn’t give a shit that we were standing in front of the room looking on to see what everyone was doing. We split, we left. I can tell you that I find so terrible, horrible, shitty for him. He told me he felt like he was going to throw up. You just have NO idea what he’s been through. Rejection after rejection after rejection, disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. I. Felt. For. Him. I tried to make it better by offering to do something else, anything else. Go to a bar. He really can’t drink because of his stomach. Go to a club. He doesn’t like to dance. Okay. Okay. What then? I called my brother to ask if there were any bars around that area since he went to school not too far from the place. No answer. He was busy, but even when I texted him to ask him, he didn’t know anyway.

We were done. He wanted to go home & sleep. Sleep so this disgusting, terrible, endless day would be over & done. Gosh, what could I do? What could I say to make it all better? As we left the place, I asked him if he wanted to go back in, try it again. Nope.

I would have went anywhere he wanted. After all, it was only 7:00. I had time. I’m caught up. I could have done SOMETHING. But, nope. Nada. Nothing.

The thing is I’m really happy over here with this new guy, school, work & my life. Meanwhile, he’s utterly depressed. I told him if there are anymore of those events, let me know. Don’t worry about it, he says.

You don’t get it. I HAVE to worry about it, I NEED to worry about it. That’s me, I care. I worry. I love. That’s who I am.

I don’t know how to get him out of this funk. All I know is I’m happy with Mr. Wonderful.

I’m just in two worlds with two selves.

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