Did you see his face? Did you see the way he looked? Did you see his reaction when he found out the group was a bust?
Another letdown. I can’t put into words how sorry I am, how bad I feel. I can’t help but keep repeating the situation over & over in my mind. It just continues to replay again & again.
To start, how excited he was. How he opened up to me. How his face fell when he discovered the night would be a train wreck. I tried to make it up to him. I tried to help. I attempted to make the night better. I was determined to try everything I could to make it better.
I have to make it better. That’s me. That’s who I am. That’s what I do. If I can’t do that, I feel like shit. I feel powerless.
I just want to go home & go to bed, he repeats twice. That sentence echos over & over. I can’t shut my brain off. But, did that really happen AGAIN? We’ve been planning, gearing, hoping, wishing for this night. This was supposed to be “the night” that solved all our problems. He would meet a groups of guys to hang out, or possibly a girl. That’s what was supposed to occur.
The night should have played out as followed: We get there & see various groups playing games like monopoly, scramble, Yahtzee, etc. They would invite us into the game. That’s when him & I would converse & get to know our teammates. We would stay until the end, 9:00. We would agree to “do this again.” He would exchange numbers with one of the guys to get together soon. I would mention hanging out with a few of the girls as well. It would be a great night. He would have left smiling, happy, giggling & laughing. On the ride home, we would have talked about the night and how much fun we had.
Nope. Not even close. Nothing like this scene described.
Actual happening: We walk into a group of people in various groups playing games like Dungeons & Dragons. Maybe two or three people look at us, but no one says anything. We are left standing there like buffoons. He turns to me & asks, Do you want to leave? We head out the door.
I knew what would happen as soon as we left. It would be a mess. He says, My dad told me to call him & tell him how it went. Wow. Ouch. Crazy. That’s a punch in the stomach. I called my brother to see if there were any popular bars in the area, since he attended Drexel University, which was nearby. No answer. He was busy. I wanted to make the night a little bit better. It was MY job to do it. It didn’t work out because 1) He really can’t drink with his stomach 2) He says it would have been too late by the time we figured out the plans. That was scraped. It was over. He would be in a mood the whole rest of the night. I really wouldn’t be able to joke with him. Nothing mattered. Nothing would work. I was doomed. I was done. He checked out after that, barely speaking & sharing what was on his mind. But, I didn’t need him to tell me because I KNEW. I KNOW him. I knew what was going through his mind: frustration, anger, rage, disappointment & sadness. I couldn’t fix this. I offered to go with him another time. I don’t want him to give up on ANYTHING. His arabic. His job hunting. His friend hunting. His girl hunting. I will be there for him. I’m a great friend. Just because I have a new guy doesn’t have anything to do with him. Being a good friend & having a guy are totally different. I really care about him. I would do whatever I could for him.
I don’t care how busy I am. I’ll catch up & go with him again if he needs me because again, that’s me. That’s who I am. I care. I love.
I just hope he doesn’t do anything drastic like hurt himself, whether it’s killing himself or harming himself. He’s soo close to doing this & I need to monitor him. I do. I need to tell my new guy about this situation to make him understand. There’s nothing between him & I other than friendship. I should explain this to my new guy.
What a horrible, terrible night that went from good to bad.