I Don’t Know.

I don’t know.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know why I have such high expectations. Right now, I should be on top of the world. Graduating in December with an amazing guy by my side. It sounds like a perfect situation to be in, but I’m worried, struggling & disgusted with myself.

I feel disconnected, outside my body, on the outside looking in. Who am I? Why do I feel so lost on this particular stormy, fall day? Why do I feel so conceited as I put on makeup in the morning? Why am I such a bitch? Why can’t I appreciate what’s right in front of me? Why? These questions need to be answered, but they are too complicated to begin to sort through. It’s hard & difficult.

In 3 days it will be November. That means in 1 month this will be over. I will graduate with a Bachelor’s Degree in English. What then?! What happens if I don’t get any of these internships I’m applying to or find a job? Literally, I’m petrified. I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. I need to focus on my studies, but now that I have a boyfriend, it makes my situation a bit complicated. I’m not sure if I can keep up. I’m not sure if I can be a real girlfriend right now.

I have to be on my A game. I need to sort, sift, search & look for jobs, write cover letters & critique my resume. He doesn’t. He’s going to continue working at his job so in 2 years, when he has more money, he can pursue a Master’s Degree in Creative Writing. At the moment, other than graduating, he has no real worries in the world. I DO. I need to focus on MY career goals. Do I have time? I have no clue.

I’m iffy. I’m not sure right now about anything, not even myself. I can’t commit to anything right now because everything is so uncertain.

I feel weird, strange & different. I’m not myself today. It’s hitting me hard. It’s as if a wave is crashing down on me. I feel it. I can no longer run or hide from papers, studying, cover letters or my resume. I need to embrace them. I need to finish them so I can breathe & maybe have time for my boyfriend. I’m not exactly sure what I’m doing here.

Who Am I?

I continue to ask myself this question all morning. I vent to my mom about my current situation, but she can’t help. No one can. It’s on ME. These are MY decisions. She says, No matter what I’ll support you.  That’s a great mom for you, but it’s only me who can decide what I want. What the hell do I want?

I want to get one of these internships. I want to get a good job. I want to appreciate my life & boyfriend. I want to get all of this work done that is dangling in front of me.

Mostly, I just want to be happy.

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