I’ve just never felt like this before.

It’s scary. I’m scared, petrified & frightened: To be so vulnerable & open with someone is overwhelming. I’ve never felt like this before & it’s all so new.

I love spending time with you. I like where we’re at in this relationship. I like having someone to talk to, he shares with me on this cold fall night while rubbing my arm. Not too much touching now, tiger. I need my space. I won’t lie. I won’t fib. I feel the same. I hope the same things as him, to stay together for a while.

I just haven’t ever felt like “this” before. We’re both scared. We can be scared together, he says with a smile. Gosh, am I scared. I can’t emphasize that enough. Every relationship has risks, challenges, obstacles & faces hardships. Especially us, being 45 minutes away from one another. I can’t simply say, “Okay, I’ll be over in a few minutes.” It would be more like, “Alright, well, I’ll be over in about an hour.” It won’t be easy. But, tell me, is he worth it? A definitive YES. 

He’s worth all obstacles, challenges, hardships & risks.

As we sat hand & hand, side by side talking about our feelings for one another, my heart beat a mile a minute. I was nervous. But, at the same time, I couldn’t keep the smile off my face. Later, I shared with him a story that I’ve only told a select few. He touched my leg & arm as I told him about my thoughts of ending all of this a few months before I met him. There’s no need to worry about that stuff because I haven’t thought of it ever since. It was contemplated, which I can bet half the population has had thoughts of doing as well one time or another.

I think we look good together, I tell him as we walk around campus holding hands. You know those couples where you glance at them & say, Aw, they’re cute together? Well, that’s us. That’s my boyfriend & I. We suit each other.

We flirt. Kiss. Flirt. Hug. Touch. Poke. Sit close. Hold. It’s great. Nice. Perfect. Sweet.

Nuts. Crazy. Fast, are the words I associate with our relationship. So many words to say. So much to talk about. So much to share. So much to write. So much to wonder, ponder, consider, think about, dream of, imagine.

I’m barely able to describe how I feel about this relationship. If I discussed this with my brother, he would have no clue what I’m talking about. He would nod & listen, but wouldn’t & couldn’t fully understand. No one will. Except him, of course.

I’ve just never felt like this before.

He just knows.

I take the elevator to the 11th floor to attend my 11:00 class. First, I walk to the bathroom to check if my hair & makeup is intact. I wear a hat on this particular day & I want to avoid looking ugly in it.

As I make my way toward the water fountain, I discover my boyfriend sitting by it writing. I psst him & he looks up with his light brown eyes & tells me he’s just finishing his final thoughts on some plays for his Creative Writing class. The way he sits there with his black jacket makes him appear adorable. I can’t describe to you how cute he looks at that moment.

After he is done, I tell him he looks cute, he responds with, so do you. Then, we walk into class & sit down. I have 3 weeks left of school then that’s it. I’m done.

Currently, I’m trying to take an internship class through the continuing studies office of my college for the spring, therefore, all of my files need to get shifted over. I am told to print out this form & take it to this gentlemen in the office. I ask my boyfriend to come along. When I speak to the guy at the desk, he informs me that not only do I need an appointment with this gentlemen, but I also need my transcripts. First off, why would I need my transcripts if all of my folders & files are at my college? Would I need to go back to my high school or other college & request them? If so, how long would that take? I just want to finish this process so I can be placed into this class.

After we leave, I share with my boyfriend my true feelings on the matter, why the fuck do I need transcripts? For what? So I need to go all the way back to my high school and request them. That’s bullshit!

He takes me to the side & explains to me why he thinks I may or may not need them. The kid said you may not need them, he calmly says to me. He knows how to talk to me & I tell him that. He’s so patient & good with me it’s not even funny. It’s too perfect. Too much. Too lovely. To deserve such a guy as he is overwhelming. He’s all the above.

He rubs my arm. Asks if I feel better. Later, when I express my opinion on the store meeting I had yesterday for work, he tells me to relax when I tell him I think my store manager dislikes me. It’s frustrating to work in retail during the holidays, but it’s a job! Again, he rubs my arm. Oh, he’s good! There’s no one better than him 🙂

I can’t express enough how much I like & care about this guy. He’s amazing. He’s such a good guy.

He is sweet, nice, funny, cute, intelligent, caring, patient just like myself & I do believe I deserve him. Sometimes, it’s just hard to digest that he’s all mine. He’s wonderful & I believe we’re made for each other. We help one another. We brighten each other’s day. I tell him that he always makes it better.

I want him. I need him. I long for him.

Unfortunately, he can’t come over for Thanksgiving, but we’re skyping. It will be our one month anniversary on Thanksgiving too! I can’t expect him to come over while his sister, husband, baby & her husband’s family get together at his house. Why the hell would I get mad at that? Am I insane? Am I crazy? Nope. I’m not mad in the least bit.

Disappointed. That sums up my feelings, but today when he tells me he can’t come over, I don’t show it because I don’t want to make him feel worse. That’s not the object here people. We are out to make each other feel better, not destroy one another. So, I told him not to worry about it, it’s okay. You haven’t spent any time with your sister, that’s important.  It is.

On Sunday we will see each other because he’s coming to NYC with me. We are having lunch & hanging out. He told me, I can hold you. Okay, dear, darling, that’s the object of the trip, huh? To “hold me” on the train. I don’t mind at all, but that was kind of random for him to say. It’s okay. It’s alright.

A few days before all of this occurred, I’m talking to him & he asks, so, how’s your relationship going?  First of all, what do I say other than perfect, great, fantastic, amazing? I don’t want to display too much excitement because I don’t want to make him feel too bad. I hide my excitement & say, It’s going pretty good. I don’t have other words to share.

In fact, I don’t want to share them. I want to keep them, cherish them, hide them, appreciate them and keep them for myself. I’m selfish. I want them only for myself.

My boyfriend just really knows how to calm me down from one of my angry spurts.

He just knows.

He’s my gem.

His brown eyes illuminate in the sun. They sparkle & shine.

My heart begins to beat as I walk to meet him.

His touch. His hug. His passionate, slow kiss. His smile. His laugh. His grin. His scent. I can’t even begin to describe to you how these feel. I like this new guy so much. My boyfriend, I hear myself say.

This feels so surreal sometimes, he shares with me as we sit in the gallery at Market East Station. As we sit across from each other, he takes my hands and looks into my eyes. He gives me compliments & I blush. I feel so lucky to be his girl.

He sends me a text, Like i said before, im just lucky to have had a beautiful girl come into my life because honestly cute is such an understatement. Im glad your mine for so much more than that, dear. Your mind is as attractive as the rest of you. Hope, you mean so much to me.

Tears form in my eyes as I read through this message. I can’t concentrate. I put everything aside to spend time with him. We need to hang out as much as possible, since in a month, it will become difficult to see one another. It will be a change. There will need to be an adjustment. I’m in that “I never want to leave you stage.” You know the kind where your heart aches when you’re not with them. You feel compelled to see him, talk to him, touch him, kiss him. That kind.

Am I in love? I’m certainly close to it. I have such strong feelings for him that I could never give up. He says, I’m committed. I’ll never give up on you.

My jaw drops. I’m shocked. He’s my first real, real relationship. I mean, I can tell he’s committed. I can just tell by the way he looks at me, talks to me, shares stories, listens, offers advice & pays attention. We talk. We touch. We’re a real couple. He’s mine & I’m his.

I have chills. I want to see him. I can’t wait to see him.

I wake up every morning thinking about you. I think about you a lot.  Me too. I think about him most of the day. I have to shut my mouth sometimes. I can’t talk about him too much. But, that’s how you know that he’s very special to me. If I talk about him, you know that I’m crushing HARD on this dude.

I saw this and thought of you, he says as he places a flower on my lap. A rose. It was romantic & sweet & special. I smiled. I can’t help it. He makes me happy.

I like doing sweet things for you.   He’s my sweetheart. Sorry ladies, this guy is taken! You can’t have him. He’s mine & mine only.

There’s never enough time, I share with him. He agrees. But, that means we’ll miss one another & the next time we see each other, everything will be fresh & new.

I feel dizzy, light headed. But, it’s a good feeling.

You haven’t a clue how much I like this guy. You just have no idea. I wish I could make you fully comprehend, but you can’t & won’t.

He’s just a gem. In fact, he’s my gem.

My sweetheart.

Strong.

The above word describes my feelings for the new guy. Just one simple, short word that sums up how I feel about him. I smile. I laugh. I flirt. I giggle. I blush. I talk. I cuddle. I kiss. I hug. I hold. I touch. I squint.

I have fun with him. We’ve been dating for 2 weeks. I’m not one of those girls to mention our 2-week anniversary. Though, I did think about it, but I fought back sharing it with him because it’s not a big deal. Now, when we get to a month on November 22, I will mention it. We won’t buy one another a present for one month. Instead, we will exchange gifts on Christmas. Speaking of, this will be our first Christmas. This is the first Christmas in 3 years that I’m celebrating the holidays with a boyfriend. It’s exciting, invigorating & fun.

I want more of him. On December 12th, it’s my last final at Temple University. I’m not sure when his last one is but that’s it for me. After that, it will begin to get difficult to see one another because our work schedule & the distance. The phone will be used more than usual. We will go from seeing one another every day to possibly once a week. It was be a huge shift, but if we’re both committed & willing to put in time & energy, we can make it. We can do it. I know he’s all in. He’s already told me multiple times, You’re worth it. That’s his words exactly.

The way he hugs me tight. The way he kisses me passionately & slowly. The way he holds my hand with all his fingers. The way he touches me. He’s in. Though I don’t want to put words in his mouth, I know he has strong feelings for me. They. Are. There. They are present. They are sitting right in front me. They are very obvious.

He’s a writer. A thinker. A creator. A dork. A nerd: He’s my writer. My thinker. My creator. My dork. My nerd. Mine. My sweetheart.

Reality is hitting hard that in one month this will all be over. My school career. I’ll have my Bachelor’s Degree. If I take that internship class, I will go back, but if, not there must be a plan B. In the midst of all this end of year work, I must think of my other plan. If I don’t, I’m screwed. I do have to tell you that I’ve been in contact with an editor & recently she’s assigned me an article to write. She needs to tell me more of the specifics, but I’m going to stick with her & maybe she’ll be able to help me, lead me in the right direction. As long as I keep in contact with her, I might be okay. I mean, I can’t just assume that she’ll help me, I just think she could be my “in.”

So, in the middle of all this career planning, I also have a new relationship that needs planning. Planning when to see one another. Planning when to speak on the phone. Planning the special occasions.

On November 22, our one month & Thanksgiving, he’s coming over after work & meeting my two brothers & Pop-Pop. If my grandma is here, he will also meet her as well. [Wish me luck in that department]. I’m excited & happy. I love the holidays either way. But, let’s make Thanksgiving, Christmas & New Years 2012 THE BEST YET!

Sitting here thinking of the way he smiles at me without any words, uses his pointer & pinky finger to symbolize the number 2 and how he mocks me.

We are in the Student Lounge at school, sitting across from one another enjoying our lunch when he starts to stares at me. There are no words that emerge from his mouth. When he smiles, he squints his light brown eyes. What those eyes do to me is indescribable. They get me every time. I become nervous as he continues to stare for about 30 seconds. I start to sweat & feel uncomfortable. I question him, why are you staring at me? with a shrug of my shoulders. He says, You’re cute. He can’t help it, he adds. This day he shares those words two words twice. 

On another day, as I’m waiting in the hallway for the previous students to leave the class so I can enter, he walks up to me with a shaved head. Immediately, I cringe. I can be so rude, but there’s no way I could hide my dislike for his hair. He smiles & tells me, I shaved too much off. I continue to look at it with a bit of a disgusted face. But, the packet in his hand overtakes how I feel about his hair. I ask him what he’s holding. Since my power was out for a week due to Hurricane Sandy, he wanted to print out all the pages for our next class assignment & give them to me. He used his own paper. His own ink. He printed it out for me: on his own. Without words. He just did it. I was touched. I swear, in that hallway I would have kissed him, but since there were others standing around, I felt it was inappropriate to PDA! I’m not like that & I don’t think he would have wanted to do it in such proximity of other individuals. He’s my sweetheart.

On this past Sunday, I texted him to let him know I got my power back & to thank him for being such a good boyfriend. When he texted back he wrote, I’m just lucky to have you, dear. He’s a keeper. A winner. A ringer. A hole in one.

There are so many stories I can share with you, but those are the most important ones.

He’s my sweetheart.