I’m living my dream…

Just 5 hours.

That’s how long ago it was since I left the Big Apple. I feel different. I feel like a bitch, a snob. You would never believe THOSE words coming out of my mouth, would you? New York changes people. There’s no foul play in this state. It’s filled with corporations slashing the others throats and women competing against one another to see who is the better editor. There’s no room for mistakes, mishaps or mess-ups. There’s only room for improvement & perfection. There are many pleases, thank yous and smiles from everyone. Nice, friendly people.

It doesn’t get any better, right?!

Right.

I couldn’t ask for a better position right now. After all, I’m interning at a great place with nice people & an excellent location.

Look around! Do you see the sun shining up above? The birds? The cold, winter chill as you see Times Square? It’s the perfect place for dreams to be met. It’s MY place. It’s MY home, or it will be one day.

When I can afford ANYTHING I want, I’ll purchase several brand new items for my parents. They need some new materials. We aren’t poor, just middle class. With extra dough in my pocket, I don’t have to feel bad buying that $100 purse. I can buy, eat & choose whatever I want.

I can’t wait until that day!

MY dreams are happening right now. I’m interning at a magazine & I can hardly believe it. So.. this is what it’s like. I’ve got to be damn good to be in this position, right?! All you need is one shot. One chance & I received it.

I’m living my dream…

Wake up, I say to myself while I splash cold water in my face, This can’t be happening. It’s a dream, a fantasy I’m living in. 

Then, my alarm goes off at 6:00 a.m. and I must get ready to take the 7:19 a.m. train to NYC to go to work! Yes, it’s real. It’s occurring as we speak.

No pranks, jokes or gimics, this IS happening.

Holy crap, I hear myself say. But, it’s true!

Again, I’m living my dream!

I’m with the big boys now!

A year ago at this moment in time I was beginning the first half of my senior year in college. I had 4 classes that were extremely difficult. I complained & hated not being able to do anything except homework. I stayed in my room for hours upon hours mostly reading useless material that wouldn’t get me anything but a bachelor’s degree in English.

Who knew that my current boyfriend was in one of them: History of Criticism at 2:00-3:20.

You were the cutest girl in that class, he shared with me while laying next to me. I liked your dresses. 

Now, look at us, a year later, TOGETHER, dating for 3 months, 4 days. I wish it were a year ago because I’d be in school. I would be attending Temple University, comfortably. I’m so terrified to step out of my comfort zone, and I always have been. When will I be ready to move on? Why is it such a long, difficult for me to move onto something else, something bigger & better?! I’m scared like a child afraid of the dark. 

Yes, we’re going back HERE. It’s ridiculous & dumb, but true.

I’m moving onto something so large that I can barely process it. NEW YORK CITY. The big guys. There is no room for mishaps, mistakes or errors. I graduate in May, but I’m merely just taking this class for the internship. Everything is larger than life right now.

It’s all happening so quickly before my eyes. Fast-paced. But, I’m going to be a HUGE star. I know I’ll be. I’m writing this as a small girl who is about to show the world what she’s made of.

Nothing can get in the way of chasing my dreams. I can’t let my money situation weigh me down. I mustn’t think too hard about all the dough I’ll spend taking trips to NYC.  I can’t & I won’t. It will be so worth it in the end. Truly.

JUST STOP.

I’ll halt, stop, behave, be good. I know I’ll be great. I’ll do great. I’m nervous & ecstatic at the same time.

I, Hope Marie Kumor, am gearing up to go to the best city to fulfill my dream of becoming a magazine writer. 

STEP 1: Obtain an internship.    [check]

STEP 2: Get a job in this industry.  [later on]

Let’s focus on the task at hand. The thing I’m going for.

I’m with the big boys now!

Our Three-Month Anniversary.

IMG_20130122_224933

The flowers he got me.

January 22, 2013.

I’m gearing up to see him on our 3-month anniversary. It’s been almost a week since our last encounter & I miss him like crazy. As I’m fixing my hair & make-up in the bathroom, I hear my mother say, Hey —–! [I don’t want to post his name]. When she says that, the smile forms on my face. He’s here.

When I walk into the living room, my parents are talking to him. He smiles when he sees me & I smile back. My mom says, Okay, go say hi to your honey without the parents. We head into my room to talk & hug. During our conversation, he pulls out a bundle of roses from under his hat. How cute & romantic, I think to myself. I kiss him on the cheek since I think he’s still sick.

After talking for about an hour, we go to a local diner. He opens doors for me, like a gentleman. We joke, we talk, we trade stories. In the car, we’re quiet, but it’s not an awkward quiet, it’s just a pure comfortable silence. We’re becoming more comfortable with one another & it’s delightful & enjoyable.

Throughout the night as he looked into my eyes, I swear, I wanted to say, I love you. I know it’s only been 3 months, but I’m starting to feel something that I’ve never felt before. I won’t say it though. I’m terrified, scared & worried that he wouldn’t say it back. Is it really “love” though? I’ve never felt that strongly about uttering those three words though. NEVER.

We sat real close & he spoke in a low voice.

You’re awesome, I said to him while laying my head on his shoulder. Most of the time he wants to hold me, he wants to hold hands, he wants to hug me, but this time, I wanted to lay on him.

Why, he inquired. Because you’re sweet, caring, nice, caring, cute, smart & adorable, I shared with him. He tells me I’m awesome too.

10:20 p.m. I should get going, he said. I knew. I know. But, for some reason, I felt like crying. Literally. I never felt THAT strongly about him going home. I wanted him. I needed him. I desired him. 

Why does he have to live 45-minutes to an hour away?

We go from seeing each other every. single. day from the end of August to December to 1-3 times a week. What a change, what an alteration, what a switch. It’s getting hard for me personally.

I think I miss you more than you miss me, I said while looking into his brown eyes. I certainly do. I mean, obviously I make do, but gosh do I miss him!

But, he’s such a great boyfriend.

The flowers mean so much to me, just like him.

A Spring 2013 day.

spring.

The sun is illuminating & bright in the sky. It smells of flowers and the grass appears to be greener than usual, the birds are chirping loudly up above. Everything is blossoming & vibrant.

Fast forward to Spring 2013. Him & I visit the local park, hold hands & eat our frozen yogurt at the nearby bench. We enjoy one another’s company as we sit side by side having an in-depth conversation about our future. We’ve been together for 6 months and believe that we’re meant to be together. Even though there is a 45-minute distance between each other, we just know. We both feel the same and desire the same thing: to be together forever. He wears his tight short sleeve shirt & shorts & I wear my sundress. An older couple passes us as we sit & laugh about yogurt on his cheek. The elder man says, I remember those days. Cherish them & don’t ever take one another for granted because you just don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Have a great day, kids. His wife winks at us. They walk away hand-in-hand & smile. We can’t help but smile at this older couple who seem head over heels in love with each other. 

I want that, but with you, he whispers in my ear. I say, So do I. We kiss & spend the rest of the afternoon talking about everything. We always have long, drawn conversations about nothing & I love every moment of it.

You’re all I need, dear, he says with passion in his eyes.

I can’t wait to spend those Spring 60 degree days with him. That sounds random, but when I woke up this morning and saw the video for the song “Between the Raindrops” by Lifehouse and watched the flowers blooming, I wished for the spring, with him especially by my side. Accompanying me to various places & events. No, he’s not perfect & neither am I. I’ll NEVER find the “perfect” guy because there is no such thing. Guess what? Those guys in the movies aren’t real. They are fictional & society plays up this ‘perfect’ guy role that makes it hard for other men to follow suit. It’s rather difficult to play that part. I can’t keep trying to compare the guy I’m involved with with these movie stars. It’s unrealistic & unreal.

STOP. I’m done with that.

My boyfriend is great, splendid, spectacular, awesome & very, extremely special to me. You won’t ever understand how I feel about him. Don’t try to understand, please. There’s no need to analyze or make sense of it, the strong feelings have just merely emerged from the moment I spoke to him– Friday, September 28th, 2012. That was THE day. I had no clue that that day would change my life, make it better in a good way, make me happy & excited to be with someone of the opposite sex. Still to this day, I think of that particular day that I said the words, I just noticed that you’re in two of my classes, while on the elevator. From that, our relationship blossomed like a flower.

We ate together. Held hands. Kissed. Hugged. Had deep conversations while the wind blew our hair & the sun shone making our eyes squint. Walked around campus trading stories & how our day is going. We formed a special bond with each other that can’t be broken.

I want to be with him for a while though. I have such strong feelings for this guy that I can’t see breaking anytime soon. But, at the same time, you don’t know what’s ahead. What’s the future look like anyway? I have no clue. I can’t tell you. I’d love to know, but where’s the fun in that?! In that case, you’ll know exactly what’s going to happen & there are no more surprises.

So, just let me in on a little secret: Will we stay together? Mr. magic crystal ball, how does my future look? Magazine writing? A healthy, happy family? Kids? What’s ahead? Please, just give me a small piece of information, a little clue?

All I know is Spring 2013 will be here before you know it! Then, I won’t have to imagine the picture, it will come true!

❤ Hope Kumor

I miss keeping busy.

Antsy & Impatient.

Literally, that’s how I’ve been lately. I’m just waiting for something to happen. An email or phone call for a job. A text to get out of the house & babysit or one from my boyfriend stating that he feels better. Something completely random and out of the ordinary is what I’m ordering. I don’t want anything bad to happen, just a rather strange occurrence to “mix it up a little bit.” I’m just bored. I haven’t been working too much. Instead, I’m writing, reading and applying to jobs, which is something I couldn’t do while engrossed in my studies and homework. True! However, at the same time, it’s becoming redundant & blasé.

I mean, yes, I have plenty to things that I can do now than before like cleaning my room, reading a book for fun. I don’t have to worry about studying or writing papers, which I’m ecstatic about, but I guess I miss being busy, keeping busy. 

Therefore, let’s just have something happen today!

6 days & counting.

6 days.

Not a long time right? But, anything can happen in six days. A family member could pass, you could wreck your car, you could obtain a new job, you could become someone’s significant other, you could pass your driver’s exam, ANYTHING.

That’s how long it’s been since I’ve seen my boyfriend. Such a small and minor detail, huh? I mean, there are so many other worse things in the world besides missing your boyfriend, but I feel empty. Honestly, in these 6 days, I’ve realized that I don’t know what I would do without him. I mustn’t rely on him for everything and I don’t

It’s just that I haven’t been able to feel him, touch him, hug him, kiss him or lean on him.

In general, I’ve had a tough few days and I want him by my side. Instead, he’s working and has a persistent cold. If he didn’t have a cold we would have spent Wednesday, Friday and tonight together. On Friday, I told myself, 2 days left, hang in there. But, then, last night when he told me that he felt even worse, I just knew that I wouldn’t be able to see him tonight.

You don’t need to apologize or feel bad or explain, just get better. Take some medicine. Rest. Sleep. Go to bed early. Do something! I’ll be pissed if you don’t help yourself! In that case, I’ll have a right to be because you keep brushing off one of the most important things, your health.

He tells me that he’ll text me later today to tell how it’s feeling. I’m not dumb, stupid or a moron. I won’t see him tonight, that’s it, that’s a wrap! I’m not getting my hopes up because I know what that text will read. 

On Tuesday, he has off. I’m not sure if I’ll even see him that day because he might need to just rest the entire day. Okay, so, when will I see him next? What? Next week? I simply cannot wait until then. I must see him soon. I have no clue how army wives do this. If I can barely last a week, how the hell do they last a year to two years?! I respect them. I would NEVER complain about not seeing MY significant other for a week in front of them because I have NOTHING on them. They have a right to complain. I’ll sit there & listen to them vent about their husband or boyfriend.

But, even so, for little ol’ me, 6 days is a ton!

2013: Big Changes.

I guess I’m terrified to move forward with my life. I’m scared to let go of the past and move on. I can’t shake the thought of not going back to school. You have no clue how badly I want to run away from the present. I want my relationship with my new boyfriend to blossom. That part I’m good with, but NOT the part where I graduate. I simply want to hold on for dear life.

Remember how hard it was for me to move on from my ex? I know this has nothing on that situation  but that just shows how difficult it is for me to let go.  I hate change. I run from it and hide like a child playing hide and go seek. Do you get it? I’m petrified.

For now, my boyfriend and I must go back & forth in order to see each other. That won’t change. It’s funny that this time last year, we were in the same class and didn’t even know it. I wish I could vividly remember him. I knew I recognized him when he appeared in 2 of my classes this semester. But, that’s not the issue here. The problem is moving on. Going into the real world & not looking back, growing up into an adult and facing real issues & problems. How the hell am I going to do that?

I need to get over being afraid. I need to face my fears and realize that I’m not a kid anymore. I’m almost a college graduate. I have to face this reality. I need to face the facts. 

We have two problems here that go hand & hand– the distance between my boyfriend & I and no longer being in school. You see, if we were both in school, we’d both be going back together & get to see one another all the time. That would solve BOTH my problems. But, guess what?! That’s not happening because we’re both done. That’s it. We’re out. We’re finished. And, I hate it.

I want him. I haven’t seen him since Monday and I feel so overwhelmed. I miss him so much. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Yeah, yeah, I hear you, but that doesn’t change the fact that I want him.

There are just so many big changes that I can’t handle, but must get used to!

William Davis’s “Wheat Belly”: You mean wheat is bad?!

wheat-belly

BY    Hope Kumor

Evidently I was informed that wheat is bad for you. You have no idea the pain and agony I went through when I learned this tidbit, this fact. You see, I love wheat products such as bagels, pasta and cereal. Even though I’m very conscious about my calorie intake and often exercise at least 3 times a week, I can still choose a bagel once in a while for crying out loud. Who told me this excruciating fact, you ask?  It was William Davis. So, blame him the next time you feel guilty consuming a wheat bagel.

But, seriously, as I read through the first few pages of David’s Wheat Belly, I became surprisingly aware of how much we consume wheat. It’s in almost everything from processed foods to bottled beverages! I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw that wheat bread isn’t that healthy for you. So, instead of grabbing for those two slices of wheat bread in order to make a peanut butter sandwich, I guess grab rye as an alternative? I’m not sure because I haven’t gotten too far along in the book to start giving out advice. This is merely a reaction to how I thought wheat was better for you. Like, are you joking when you tell me that a cereal such as Special K, the so-called “good” cereal contains wheat? I don’t get it. I’m highly upset and disappointed.

Apparently, this wheat that everyone speaks of is actually the devil because it could be what’s making you feel bloated. It could be “the beer belly” for children and soccer moms. Who knew? I didn’t until reading David’s informative novel. I will venture on, but alas, this won’t be the last of me speaking of how horrible I feel that wheat is “bad.” How is it “bad” when so many people tell you to pick it over white bread?

Here’s a thought—you might as well take away all the bagels, breads, pastas, junk foods, processed foods and other foods to battle, but be afraid of the 600-pound body builders that will hunt you down. Just remember, wheat will never die!

❤ Hope Kumor

It was just a worrisome night!

He sits there in a groggy state of mind laying his head on my shoulder. I know that he needs to go, he has to go because I don’t want him falling asleep at the wheel. The worst thing about our relationship is the hour drive front & back. Along with the gas, there’s tolls. What an expensive relationship, but at the same time, there are strong feelings, so the end result is always the best part of the whole experience!

The clock strikes 11:40 p.m. and he must head out the door. I hesitate because I don’t want him to leave, but it’s time. We walk out to the car and do our usual make-out session. Then, at the end, he says, I’ll text you when I get home. That’s always what we do, text one another when we get home. That’s always how it’s been and will be. Okay, I whisper. Then, he’s off.

I wait until I hear the chirp from my phone. I’m up until 1:10, then fall asleep with my phone by my side. At 1:34, I wake up and check if I got the “Home” text I’ve been waiting for. Nope. It doesn’t come.

So many thoughts run through my mind as I sit there with my phone in hand.

Why hasn’t he texted me yet? Did he forget? My thoughts went from negative– he got into an accident, he fell asleep at the wheel or something happened with his car, to positive– he was so tired that he forgot to text me or he lost his phone.

When 1:45 a.m. hit, I jumped out of bed and sought my younger brothers advice, If he doesn’t text you by 1:50, I would call him.  1:50 came & gone, nothing. So, I called him. In no way did I want to call him because it was almost 2:00 in the morning and he might get startled. But, at the same time, I knew that it had to be done. I pushed his name & waited for his voice. He didn’t pick up. Now, at this point, I felt sick, nervous, apprehensive, disgusted & worried. What happened?!

Again, my younger brother advised me to call him once more. I did, but this time, I left a message. That was it though. I texted him first called him twice & left a voicemail. What more could I do? It was out of my hands.

I could barely fall asleep because all I could think about was him. I tried to reassure myself that he merely forgot to text me because he was so exhausted. 6:00 a.m., I checked my phone, nothing, 8:00 a.m., nothing. 9:15 a.m. I woke up and saw a text from him sent at 9:08, Hey sweetie, im so sorry. I went to sleep as soon as i got home and just simply forgot to text you. =/

I knew it! I called it! I wasn’t angry. I was relieved that he texted me. I just wanted to be sure that he was alright, okay, unharmed & he wasn’t. I hardly got any sleep last night because of it. And, for some reason, I missed him so much today.

It was just such a worrisome night!

He makes it better.

With a glow in his eyes, he shares with me, I like where we’re at. He is pertaining to our relationship of course!

On January 22nd, it will be 3 months for the boyfriend & I and I couldn’t be happier. He makes me feel special, beautiful, wonderful, smart & worthy.

Instead of seeing each other on this rather windy, winter day, we choose to talk on the phone. It seems the telephone isn’t even comparable to face-to-face conversations because there is no physical touch, smell, sight or realness about him. There is merely a voice at the other end of the line. It’s empty & lonely.

He makes me glow & feel alive. 

Another night, as I share my fears with him on the phone, he says, You’re 23. You’re young and you have many years ahead of you. You aren’t running out of time. 

In my mind, I believe that time is ticking & I need to find something now in order to feel fulfilled. Do you get it? Do you understand? I can’t, won’t, shouldn’t, couldn’t wait for something to come along. I want to make it happen ASAP or else I’ll feel more of a loser.

Right now, I feel like I’m floating and trying to figure out where to land.

Where to ladies & gentlemen?! I can’t find my place in the world, but he makes me feel better about my whole situation.

He makes it better.