I guess I’m terrified to move forward with my life. I’m scared to let go of the past and move on. I can’t shake the thought of not going back to school. You have no clue how badly I want to run away from the present. I want my relationship with my new boyfriend to blossom. That part I’m good with, but NOT the part where I graduate. I simply want to hold on for dear life.
Remember how hard it was for me to move on from my ex? I know this has nothing on that situation but that just shows how difficult it is for me to let go. I hate change. I run from it and hide like a child playing hide and go seek. Do you get it? I’m petrified.
For now, my boyfriend and I must go back & forth in order to see each other. That won’t change. It’s funny that this time last year, we were in the same class and didn’t even know it. I wish I could vividly remember him. I knew I recognized him when he appeared in 2 of my classes this semester. But, that’s not the issue here. The problem is moving on. Going into the real world & not looking back, growing up into an adult and facing real issues & problems. How the hell am I going to do that?
I need to get over being afraid. I need to face my fears and realize that I’m not a kid anymore. I’m almost a college graduate. I have to face this reality. I need to face the facts.
We have two problems here that go hand & hand– the distance between my boyfriend & I and no longer being in school. You see, if we were both in school, we’d both be going back together & get to see one another all the time. That would solve BOTH my problems. But, guess what?! That’s not happening because we’re both done. That’s it. We’re out. We’re finished. And, I hate it.
I want him. I haven’t seen him since Monday and I feel so overwhelmed. I miss him so much. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Yeah, yeah, I hear you, but that doesn’t change the fact that I want him.
There are just so many big changes that I can’t handle, but must get used to!