My safety net– going to Temple University.

5:56 A.M.

My alarm wakes me up to begin another long day in the Big Apple. I feel strange, weird, peculiar. The birds are chirping in this distinct way. I remembered the smells, tastes, atmosphere of those school mornings & music on my Ipod as I arrived at Temple University ready to attend class.

Now, as I ride NJ Transit, I’m reminded of the mornings I used to ride the train and study. I would read & do homework in the morning & afternoon. Now, my train ride is filled with silence in the morning & music in the afternoon. I’m confused & weirded out because I literally have nothing to do. What am I doing here? I’m going to New York to my internship, that’s what. Things are changing & I’m still getting used to all of this.

I can feel Temple University in the air, taste it on my tongue, smell it in the atmosphere. Things can’t change. They must stay the same because that way I’ll be safe. I’ll feel safe. As long as I’m going to Temple, I’ll be okay. I’ll be alright.

BUT.

That can’t happen. Things can’t stay the same. They must change & alter.

In May 2013 [3 months from now], things will change at such a rapid pace that I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep up with. I’m only a tiny bit “safe” right now. Kind of. Sort of. A little bit. 

I listen to all the songs I used to on the mornings I had hardly any homework. I listen to the songs I used to while working out at the Temple gym. I listen to the songs I used to while walking around campus.

I remember. I dream. I think. I miss.

I swear this phrase is true and I most definitely live by it– You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.

All of the stress of school is gone and instead is filled with uncertainties about the future & career path.

I can’t forget where I’ve come from– Temple University. I still go there. I’m still listed as a student. I still have access to all the services it provides. I just don’t attend the class. I’m taking a class, but it doesn’t meet. I wish that we were REQUIRED to meet atleast once or twice. I wish that we HAD to meet with our professor once a month to discuss the internship in person.

But, it’s not “required,” rather we have to send a weekly report via email. That’s not fair. I’d like to take a good, fashioned trip up to Temple. I miss Temple University. I miss class. I miss the feeling. I miss seeing my boyfriend every day. In a way, I miss the stress, the hardship, the pain & agony, the papers, the countless hours of homework, the ride back & forth. I miss it so badly that I can taste it. I want it. I’d love to rewind a few months & have a full plate filled with homework & stress. 

I know that sounds weird, strange, tacky, but I want it– to be comfortable & safe. This is what it all boils back to–feeling safe & secure.

But, feeling like this won’t get me far. In fact, it won’t get me anywhere. I’ll stay in the same damn place my whole entire life if I did it like “this.”

Ladies & Gentlemen, let me present to you– my safety net– staying at Temple University the rest of my life.

Ew.

You’re gross, grotesque, disgusting, ridiculous, stupid, dumb…. keeping going, please?! Pretty please with a heaping of sugar on top?

But, I have to tell you, it’s getting harder & harder to say goodbye.

I just want to be alone, secluded from the rest of world to think about my wonderful morning with the boyfriend. I want to cherish & keep my thoughts with me as I get through this Tuesday afternoon.

8:25 a.m.

My alarm went off to start my day. I must wait for that “On my way” text from him telling me he’s left his house. It takes about an hour to get to my area. I lay in bed unwilling & unable to get up because I’m so tired. I didn’t want to wake up, so I just closed my eyes until 9:00 hit & I had to get ready. I wanted to sleep in, but the boyfriend & I decided to get together for breakfast. I grumbled & dragged myself out of bed. As I started to get ready, I got more excited to see him. I just saw him on V-day, which was 5 days ago, but it’s still 5 days without feeling his touch, seeing him smile, kissing his lips, hugging his body & looking into his eyes.

9:40 a.m.

He arrived in a black jacket & blue pants. He’s not really the matching kind & I told him that he needed me to help him with that sort of thing. He smiled at me because he knows it’s true.

Around 9:47 a.m., we headed to Dallas Diner, which is about 10 minutes from my house. I offered to pay this time. He has a cold and we mustn’t kiss. He wanted to kiss me most of the time, but he couldn’t. There’s no way he can get me sick. I can’t.

9:57 a.m.

We made our way into the diner. I feel like I’m on vacation, I shared with him. He laughed & smiled. We ordered $2.00 meals & waters. We’re a cheap couple, a cheap bunch, I must add! Our conversation shifted from him to me, to him. I told him that we had a breakfast dinner the night before, which is his specialty. Whenever we go to a diner for dinner, he always orders breakfast food. My brother said that he would have loved our dinner. Then he simply said with attitude, I just like breakfast food. Whoa, man. Where did this attitude come from? Huh? What? He wouldn’t really look at me either. After that, most of the breakfast, the roles reversed, I gave HIM attitude.

First of all, there was no reason for this new-found attitude. He develops these attitude moments sometimes & I don’t like it. Maybe it’s just that he’s so comfortable with me that if he feels like giving attitude, he can & he will. I felt so uncomfortable & defensive in that moment. Literally, I wanted to leave because the situation was so tense. I couldn’t take it. As I gave him attitude, he said, Relax. Um. “Relax?” YOU relax, man.

Yes, I did say “my wonderful morning with the boyfriend,” but I’m not including this bump, this part of the morning. Everything else was great besides this moment. I’m not sure why he does that at times, but it really bothers me. It’s certainly something that needs to be addressed though. Make a mental note of that! After this initial awkward, disgusting moment, he changed the subject. It was fine after that.

We decided to go to the park. It was a sunny, nice morning. However, as we drove to the park, the clouds formed in the sky.

I’m afraid that we’re going to run out of things to say. I’m scared man. Boy am I. What if that happens?! What do I do?! Do I dig things out of my ass to talk about? How do I handle that? Will that be the end of our relationship? These sorts of questions come to mind as we date.

It was breezy & chilly out of nowhere. However, we still walked around the park. He would occasionally put his arm around me. But, then, I got scared & held his hand. There was a rustle in the bushes. It’s just a bird, he said with confidence. He would protect me if anything happened though. I know it! All of a sudden, as we’re finishing our walk & playing on the playground, which he didn’t really take part in, it began to rain. Great timing. How weird!

I was just thinking how adorable he was at breakfast before the attitude moment. The sparkle in his eyes, his laugh, his smile, the way he spoke, how cute he looked enjoying his eggs with peppers sprinkled on them.

11:45 a.m.

We headed back to my house. He had to leave between 12:30-12:45 because he had work at 2:15 & it would take him an hour to get back. I felt okay, content that he was leaving. I mean, of course I didn’t want him to go, but I was alright. It never hits me until he’s actually gone. The worst is the day after. When he leaves at night, I’m okay. However, for some reason, the next morning is terrible, horrible, disgusting. I miss him like crazy!

We hugged, touched, held hands, talked, laughed, smiled & enjoyed each others company. On this particular day, I wanted to keep hugging him. I didn’t want him to walk out that door. I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t want to deal with the emptiness I would feel, but it had to happen. It had to come.

12:25 p.m.

I should get going, he said in a monotone voice. No, my head said. No, no, no, I don’t want you to leave, but he had to. We began to walk out the door until we got into the kitchen, where my dad was. Him & my dad spoke for a few minutes then I walked him out with an umbrella. In my opinion, this is the worst part– saying goodbye. It was Tuesday afternoon & we had to say goodbye. It was too short & such a tease.

When I walked back into my house & sat in the living room, I felt like I was going to cry. Literally, I tried not to shed those tears. I didn’t allow them to come. I pushed them away from the surface. I couldn’t let them make an appearance.

His eyes stayed with me as I worked out today. His face, smile & laugh came to mind as I made my way on the treadmill.

But, I have to tell you, it’s getting harder & harder to say goodbye.

Our first Valentine’s Day.

It comes once a year and it’s filled with couples holding hands, sharing hugs, kisses & laughter and flowers of course. It’s the big V-day aka Valentine’s Day. Whether you’re single or in a fresh, new relationship, let’s celebrate it right with the ones we love.

Everyone goes gaga over this particular holiday because it symbolizes love. This is the one day that men and women exchange gifts & presents with love attached. But, why is it just on this day that we need to remember to say I love you? Why can’t we say it every day? Well, you can, but most tend to emphasize it more so on this day rather than other days.

In the last two years, I’ve braved this holiday solo. I’ve been unattached & without a partner by my side. However, this year is different because I have a man.

On February 22nd, it will be 4 months. Can you believe that I’ve spent four months with this boy? No, I can hardly believe it too.

I remember we spoke about Valentine’s Day months ago. I remember saying, if we’re still together. I wasn’t sure where this path would lead us. I wasn’t sure if it would be bumpy or flat. I know that it’s been a little rough with the distance part, but I’d say that it’s going great.

Now that I’ve joined the dozens of people who have partners, I feel more included & excited about this holiday. I’m actually part of half the population with the significant others. I feel special & important.

After all, this is our first Valentine’s Day and I plan to make it the best yet!

Happy Valentine’s Day.

XOXO,

Hope Marie.