My alarm wakes me up to begin another long day in the Big Apple. I feel strange, weird, peculiar. The birds are chirping in this distinct way. I remembered the smells, tastes, atmosphere of those school mornings & music on my Ipod as I arrived at Temple University ready to attend class.
Now, as I ride NJ Transit, I’m reminded of the mornings I used to ride the train and study. I would read & do homework in the morning & afternoon. Now, my train ride is filled with silence in the morning & music in the afternoon. I’m confused & weirded out because I literally have nothing to do. What am I doing here? I’m going to New York to my internship, that’s what. Things are changing & I’m still getting used to all of this.
I can feel Temple University in the air, taste it on my tongue, smell it in the atmosphere. Things can’t change. They must stay the same because that way I’ll be safe. I’ll feel safe. As long as I’m going to Temple, I’ll be okay. I’ll be alright.
That can’t happen. Things can’t stay the same. They must change & alter.
In May 2013 [3 months from now], things will change at such a rapid pace that I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep up with. I’m only a tiny bit “safe” right now. Kind of. Sort of. A little bit.
I listen to all the songs I used to on the mornings I had hardly any homework. I listen to the songs I used to while working out at the Temple gym. I listen to the songs I used to while walking around campus.
I remember. I dream. I think. I miss.
I swear this phrase is true and I most definitely live by it– You don’t know what you have until it’s gone.
All of the stress of school is gone and instead is filled with uncertainties about the future & career path.
I can’t forget where I’ve come from– Temple University. I still go there. I’m still listed as a student. I still have access to all the services it provides. I just don’t attend the class. I’m taking a class, but it doesn’t meet. I wish that we were REQUIRED to meet atleast once or twice. I wish that we HAD to meet with our professor once a month to discuss the internship in person.
But, it’s not “required,” rather we have to send a weekly report via email. That’s not fair. I’d like to take a good, fashioned trip up to Temple. I miss Temple University. I miss class. I miss the feeling. I miss seeing my boyfriend every day. In a way, I miss the stress, the hardship, the pain & agony, the papers, the countless hours of homework, the ride back & forth. I miss it so badly that I can taste it. I want it. I’d love to rewind a few months & have a full plate filled with homework & stress.
I know that sounds weird, strange, tacky, but I want it– to be comfortable & safe. This is what it all boils back to–feeling safe & secure.
But, feeling like this won’t get me far. In fact, it won’t get me anywhere. I’ll stay in the same damn place my whole entire life if I did it like “this.”
Ladies & Gentlemen, let me present to you– my safety net– staying at Temple University the rest of my life.
You’re gross, grotesque, disgusting, ridiculous, stupid, dumb…. keeping going, please?! Pretty please with a heaping of sugar on top?