I’m a bit disheveled. That’s me

Doubts.

They stayed. They were here. They were present. They arrived, but never left.

I had an entire week to think, ponder, write, decide what I wanted to do. Would I do it? Could I do it? Was I strong enough to go through with it?

Annoyed. Frustrated. Irritated. Mad. Pissed.

I kept talking. Building up my strength to really do it. I had to because the doubts were strong then they left, but to my surprise, they resurfaced. I didn’t think they would reappear, but they did. I was left with a choice, a decision.

I had it planned out– he would come down Saturday and we would finally talk. I was nervous, scared and I had no clue how he’d take it.

Would he cry? Would he be angry? Would he leave quickly?

I drove to the park with my stomach in a knot. I could hardly eat and it was one of the worst weeks for me because I’d need to decide.

He was there.

He got out of his car and I got out of mine. I couldn’t avoid the topic, the moments, the doubts anymore because it wasn’t fair. 

I just simply told him the truth–I shouldn’t have a boyfriend right now because the timing is off. It’s nothing personal, I just need to find myself. I need to figure out where I’m going before I can fully commit.There were other factors too. Oh so many, but I just stuck to that.

We went for a walk and talked for a while about the decision and how our week went. It was a week from hell for me.

It was a very emotional goodbye.

He pulled me close to put my head on his shoulder. I swear I was about to cry. I told myself not to. Don’t cry. Don’t shed those tears. 

We could still be friends. Would I be able to text him to ask how his day is going? Am I allowed to tell him deep, dark secrets? Could I share my thoughts and feelings about my life? Do friends do that? What can I do and what can’t I do? How do we transition from boyfriend/girlfriend to friends? 

I. Don’t. Know.

I don’t know anything.

We got up to leave. He held my hand as we walked back to our cars. I told myself to keep focus. Then, we hugged near my car. This was even more emotional. I said, “Don’t make me cry.” He told me it was fine if I did. No way. No how!

And, gosh we hugged. It was sad & depressing.

I felt like shit,utter & complete dirt, disgusting, crappy, gross, nasty & grotesque.

I decided this. I wrote a list. I thought long & hard and figured this would be the best option for me, for us. He wasn’t happy about it, but he was completely understanding & great. I bet he became angry later on, but at the moment, he was calm & cool. 

He got into his car & drove away. He looked at me & waved.

THEN, it happened. I lost it. I couldn’t hold it in. I broke down as he drove away. I cried so hard as happy people floated past me with families playing soccer, baseball or enjoying each others company. I was alone, completely alone. I was lost. I was sad.

I stayed for about an hour before I went home. I wasn’t able to move. Trust me, I remember that moment & I would NEVER go back to it.

We have to move on, he said through a pained expression.

I swear, I thought he was going to cry. I KNOW he was feeling the same way as I did. It was horrible & terrible.

I can’t see couples. I don’t want to see man and woman holding hands. I can’t see a guy kissing a girl on top of her head. I can’t handle that right now.

I’m fragile, vulnerable, wounded & raw right now. I’m still reeling.

Was it a good decision? Gosh, I hope so.

If you didn’t feel it, you didn’t feel it. There’s a reason why you broke up, right? You just miss having a guy to hug & kiss. You just miss the title, said one of my best friends.

When this happens, you really see who your real friends are.

BUT, I did make the right decision.

Don’t forget. Just because when I look at photos, I miss him doesn’t mean that I regret my decision.

I haven’t spoken to him since Saturday and I really don’t think we’ll talk for a while. I don’t think he’ll contact me. I know him. He won’t.

My friend told me to wait a month. Can I really not talk to him for THAT long?! Gosh, all I want to do is talk to him. Gosh, I miss him. Gosh, I wanted this though. I was doing so well earlier. I don’t think I’m ready to change my relationship status. No, I wouldn’t go back to him. I just want to talk to him.

I swear, as we hugged on Saturday, I wanted to say THOSE words, “I. Love. You.” I didn’t  though. I just loved the idea of a boyfriend.

I’m so disoriented, messy, disorganized. Ew. Ugh. When will I get my strength back? Fully? Be able to talk about it without choking on my tears? Be strong enough to see a man and woman be intimate with each other? Be able to let a guy in? Be fully ready for the day? Be me. Be myself? When?

Hope— it’s been 2 days! My oh my. What do you expect?

I know. I know.

I’m a bit disheveled. That’s me.

I am strong enough for this.

I stood at the Woodbourne train station ready to board the train to pick up my graduation tickets.

I remember it.

I remember the cold breeze that used to make me shiver as I got on the train. I remember how I would read or do homework on those 35-45 minute train rides. Most of the time, I did homework.

On Tuesdays & Thursdays, I’d take the R3 and on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I rode the R7. I switched it up a bit and didn’t choose one boring route. I loved it. I hated the homework, the studying, the papers, the readings. I never seemed to have enough time to do it. I was always focused on another class.

Now that it’s almost over, I miss it BADLY. I only took an internship class this semester which meant I didn’t need to go down to Temple. Instead, I went to the Big Apple. I was engrossed in the New York life instead of the Philly life I lead for almost 2 years.

I planned to have lunch with one of my good friends. We would discuss some issues I’m having with the boyfriend. Doubts, again. Not sure. About… ANYTHING. I’m not even sure about myself. I’ve brought this up before– Who the hell am I anyway? No clue…

She mentioned the “b” word. Yes, break-up. Should I? I’m contemplating it. I’ve been for a while now. I feel like today was a dream. Could I really just do that? She offered some advice, “Be alone with yourself for a few days. Listen to music, write, figure it out. Write a Pros & Cons list. Go for long walks…” for this whole week. Just be by yourself, she added. She would know since she broke up with her long time boyfriend a few weeks ago and she hasn’t felt happier.

Am I happy? I don’t know. I’ve never really been “happy.”To be honest,  I’m not even sure if I know what that means. Terrible. Bad, but true!

So, after our discussion, I’m left with a decision.

Be by myself.

Listen to music.

Self reflect.

Go for long walks.

Write a list.

Think it all & through.

It’s an EXTREMELY hard decision since he’s one of the best guys I know, but if I don’t feel the same as I have before then I have to break up with him.

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

I feel like I’m in a dream. On the train ride home, everyone was chatting, smiling, yelling around me and I felt like I was asleep. I wasn’t awake. This has to be a dream. There’s no way that this is real. It can’t be.

But then I ask myself, “Can I really do this? Am I strong enough? Do I have enough strength?”

I’ve been contemplating this for a while now. I HAVE to do it. I NEED to do it. I just don’t want to see the look on his face. I don’t, but I have to.

I am strong enough for this.

I’m not ready..

Hot, Cold, Sad, Mad, Pissed, Happy, Annoyed, Glad, Up, Down, Left, Right, Smiley, Grumpy, Angry, Excited.

This is me from day-to-day. One moment I’m so annoyed that I can barely see straight and then the next minute I’m happier than a high man. I switch, change, become a different person. Why? Am I bipolar, I ask myself in the mirror. No? Why does my mood change so sporadically? 

How is it possible for me to be so happy one minute then pissed beyond belief another?

For the past few months, my patience has slimmed. Now, I become annoyed more easily at the stupidest matters.

First off, please keep your hands off of me for one second of your life. Don’t touch me. I need my space. I can’t be constantly touched. I’m not affectionate, but you are. At times, it’s a little too much to bear. Please. Just stop putting your arm around me, holding me close so much. I’m weird, strange, not normal because most girls would LOVE that. They would soak it up & want it. However, it’s just too much for me. I need my space. I can’t, won’t, don’t want to be touched so much.

I grow so hot, so cold, so yes, so no.

I’m all over the place.  I’m so messed up. I’m an absolute train wreck. I’m so disoriented.

I need time, space. Maybe I just need to be alone, figure myself out first. I need to figure out who I am, grow as Hope Marie Kumor rather than to have someone define me, tell me who I am. Who the fuck am I anyway? Where am I going? What’s next? What am I doing here? What’s going to happen? No clue. I don’t know. I need to figure it out soon enough. I’ve been looking for jobs, paid internships, SOMETHING, but there’s not much out there.

Plan 1) Try to find a paid internship for the summer.

Plan 2) Try to find a “real” job

Plan 3) Work for B&N and babysit on the side for the summer and apply to paid fall internships. Also, write query letter after query letter after query letter, write in general and freelance for Bucks County Courier Times

This summer– 1) Figure out who the F* I am  2) Figure out what the F* I want

Do you realize this is happening? I’m done-zo. This time I’m finished truly. DONE. I’m just thinking about it. The graduation. The act of walking in front of dozens of people who are cheering, yelling, screaming, shouting– Class of 2013.

Holy hell. Holy cow. Holy crap. Holy shit. Holy Holly– I’m fucking graduating in a MONTH! What? How? Where? Why?

Emotional swings? Okay, everyone goes through it. Cool. That’s rad, fine, but I’m not “everybody.” I’m Hope Marie Kumor. I’m her. I’m strong & I CAN do this. Beat this. Kick the shit out of this. Conquer my fears, these feelings. Not let my learning disability hold me back. Be Proud. Strong. Happy.

STOP BEING SO AFRAID, HOPE MARIE KUMOR. Changes HAD to come eventually. It’s here, they are present & I HAVE to deal with them, face them. See what I want. Figure it out.

Boy.

I’m a mess AGAIN.

Geez.

I can’t help it.

I write. I dream. I love. I wish. I hope. I want to be successful. Be somebody & not just another face in the crowd.

“Hope Marie Kumor?” Oh, I know her! She’s awesome! 

Will they say that? Will I hear that? She’s good. She’s just that good. She’s great.

I hope. I pray. I want. I need.

I feel, as you do, as anyone does…the depths and peaks of our emotions, Hope. Its the question that keeps us moving forward toward bliss, but you have to accept everything else that goes along with it.”– My boyfriend, Matt. I LOVE it! I LOVE when he says stuff like that. You have NO clue how much I LOVE it.

Youre in a very unsettled moment in life in  many ways, as I am so I know exactly how you feel, dear… I really think the most important thing for you is that you look at it from a bigger perspective.” M

Continue, boyfriend, continue. I love the language, the speech. See how I changed, how my mood changed. I was so annoyed at the beginning & now I’m just okay.

Up & Down.

I’m a mess.

Life changing events are coming up– Um. Graduation, anyone?! Duh. New York by myself with NO ONE by my side. ABSOLUTELY no one.

You know how I feel. I’ve expressed my thoughts, fears & troubles.

I’m so scared.

I’m a mess.

Life sucks.

I’m not ready. I can’t possibly be ready for what is ahead, what’s next. No way, no how. I hate it.

I’m not ready.

Ahhh!–Those thoughts on graduating in one month…

I’m terrified to grow up.

There, I said it. It’s out in the open. No longer do I need to modify, hide my thoughts, feelings about graduating in one month exactly, today actually– May 16, 2013 and going off into the work force. I’ll join the crowd of hungry graduates yearning for jobs in their field. Sending resume after resume after resume and cover letter after cover letter after cover letter to various places to obtain their dream job.

Ps, unless you’re freakin lucky as a duck, you won’t get that dream job of yours until you’re like.. what’s the age now? Late twenties? Well, I guess until you get to grad school and become even more in debt to come to realize that your Master’s Degree didn’t help, but instead, just made you fork out money that you never had just to get a “good” job.

Let me ask you– where are these “good” jobs hiding now-a-days, under rocks? I think so.

People my age will sift, search, look and discover themselves this summer–hopefully. Some will be successful and some will end up with a BA working at Mickey D’s because they didn’t job search in time. Others will get that decent job because they wrote and worked on their resume way in advance so matters like these wouldn’t happen.

It’s terrifying.

We’re just trying to find ourselves this summer as college graduates.

I go to the Big Apple three days a week, scared to death because I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone. I don’t have the protection of school and familiar faces on the street to save me. Instead, I see rude, smelly and mean people rushing and pushing me to make their way onto the Subway. There are bundles of kids in backpacks, families holding hands and those famous New Yorkers in their skinny jeans and sunglasses. I tell myself, I want this. I want this. I want this. 

In order for me to feel safe, I must do something constantly for a number of years. At Bucks, I felt safe because  I was surrounded by people who I knew. Eventually, when I was settled, I felt the same at Temple. HOWEVER, now, I know NO ONE. I have no clue who anyone is. I’m doing this all on my own without a soul by my side. I am completely alone. 

Even though I am literally terrified beyond belief, I do it. And, I tell myself, I want this. I want this so freakin’ bad that I can taste it, smell it, feel it, grab for it, need it, yearn for it, devour it, desire it and long for it.

I always promise myself that I’ll be okay. I can do this. I’ll be fine. I talk myself off the ledge. I tell myself to keep moving forward and don’t look back. Never look back! If I look back, I’ll see you and I won’t want to move. I’ll want to continue in the same spot. The same awful situation where I work at a retail job, with little pay and babysitting on the side. No, I don’t want that life. I have to get my shit together, get my shit straightened out. I know this. I know this already.

Focus.

But, in reality, I’m not ready. In no way am I ready to graduate nor am I ready for this NYC thing. Could I really just up and move there if I obtained a job? I’m exhausted traveling from PA to NYC for three days. How would I do it for five?! I’m beat, exhausted, tired, every sort of tired that’s possible. I’m barely functioning anymore. I’m trying so hard to understand these editors demands, but it can be quite difficult to focus due to my learning disability.

No, no, no, I don’t bring it up. I don’t mention it because I wouldn’t want them to treat me differently. Treat me like I’m special or something, talk to me like I’m 5. Nope, I’m not. I wish I was at times, but I’m not ever going to be.

Changes–The real kind.

I’ve fruited around long enough. Enough is enough. I’m done. I’m graduating. This is real. This is no longer a joke. I have to order my cap & gown. I’m going to pick up the tickets next Tuesday. It will become a reality when I step onto that stage in my attire and grab my diploma.

I’ve stalled, avoided, sidestepped and prolonged this graduating thing. Not anymore. Accept it now or don’t. What’s it gonna be? Well, since I don’t have a choice, I need to accept it.

Internship? Job? Freelance? All of the above. If possible, yes ma’am! I want it.

I’m yearning for it. I have the urge, the hunger to become a magazine writer. THAT’S my dream– to become a magazine writer. All of those magazines.. which direction to go in.. which to choose.. what to do.. decisions, decisions.

Hey, let’s go, I graduate in a month. Move it along, Hope Marie!

How quickly the doubts went away.

Doubts. Feeling unsure, piercing throughout my entire body. There one day, gone the next.

Then, he walks in my room with a blue striped button down short sleeve shirt and everything changes. With a smile on his face, he kisses me on the cheek. All of the doubts, the uncertainty, the break-up thoughts disintegrate, they disappear.

He sits close and asks for a hug. It’s almost been two weeks since we’ve last seen each other. I didn’t want him, I didn’t need him, I wanted to avoid him, but in that moment, there wasn’t anybody that I wanted more, needed more, longed for more than him.

We head to the car and drive to Dallas Diner. We had a dinner and skate date. He orders Pigs and a blanket and I a turkey burger with fries. He is cute. At times, I can’t tell if he’s annoyed or if he’s joking, kidding, not being serious. Who knows.

The Palace, the skating rink, is in Philadelphia, which is about 20 minutes away. After our dinner, we walk to my car laughing and mocking one another. It’s clear– we like each other a lot.

It is a fairly simple drive. Of course, there are mainly teenagers and loud, obnoxious children present at the time. Even when this happens, he doesn’t get bent out of shape about it, he merely goes with the flow, goes with whatever occurs.

As we put on our skates, he gives me a smile. The clock reads 7:35 and public skating is until 10:00 p.m., Would we stay the whole time? Maybe. Who knows.

The start is rough, but we both get the hang out it. Now, let me say this, first off he looked adorable, cute, sexy skating around the rink. In those few hours, I was SURE that I want to be with this guy. I have no clue until when, but I want him. He is so cute, nice, sweet, HILARIOUS, funny, intelligent, adorable. He was everything. He caught me & protected me.

We sit down for a bit to rest. He holds me close. This time, I don’t mind because I want him to do it. Usually, I get annoyed and need my space, but this time is different. I felt different. I wanted him so bad. I needed him. I longed for him. I didn’t want the night to end. I couldn’t let the night end. We were having such a nice, splendid time.

He holds my hand as we skate around the rink. He winks and smiles at me. I like when you rub my arm, he shares while we stand on the sideline waiting to skate.

We skate round and round and round while the music plays overhead. We shout to each other thoughts, stories and jokes. It’s a perfect night and it feels right.

He looks great. I don’t want the night to end. I’ll have to go back to work. Go back to my internship. Go back to reality. Quit living in this dream, fantasy world. I need to return back. But, I can’t. I don’t. I won’t. I shouldn’t. I couldn’t. It doesn’t matter though because like it or not, it’s time.

We stay the entire time. We have too much fun to quit.

We hardly speak on the ride home because he gets tired in moving vehicles when he isn’t driving. Weird. Strange, but it sort of prevents him from talking, so I let it go. I talk. I tell him things.

Then, when we enter back into my house, we take a few pictures. I’m not particularly fond of them, but we can take more later. We can take pictures in the daytime.

But, I know that he has to leave in a few minutes. He can’t stay.

I would tell you that tonight was one of the hardest, roughest times for me. I didn’t want him to leave. I swear I almost cried. I know that I had a twinkle in my eyes. I didn’t want him to drive away. It hurt. It hurt so freakin bad.

We’ll see each other on Tuesday. That’s not too far away, he says while cupping my face in his hands. Tuesday is two days away, but it feels like forever. I want him right now. I need him. I’m yearning for him.

I sit in my room looking at pictures of us. I want to feel his touch, hug him, kiss him, squeeze him.

He doesn’t want to leave. He can’t stop kissing me. He can’t quit hugging me. I just want to hold you, he adds while we’re saying our goodbyes.

The hardest part– goodbye. I dread it, avoid it, push it away. I don’t want to deal with it. I pretend like it isn’t coming, but subconsciously, I know it’s soon.

As soon as skating is over, I know that goodbye will follow after.

Me & my kind of long distance relationship.

It was especially painful tonight. Gosh, all of the doubts. Where the hell did they go? They literally left. I can’t believe how quickly they went away. Holy cow. It seems that they’ve relocated in someone elses body. Good riddance to those nasty, stinky little buggers. I don’t want them hanging around here. Bye bye doubts ;]

Stephany Raywood–This one is for you.

My alarm was set for 8:45 because I was attending a funeral. I felt nervous & anguish as I heard my radio sound telling me it was time to get up. Today would be a long, difficult day since we were to say our goodbyes to Stephany Raywood.

It’s true, I didn’t know Steph as well others, but I spent time with her. I worked with her at the Early Learning Center at BCCC. She was a pleasant, sweet, & nice girl who was always willing to help anyone and everyone. She was so kind and good with the children. Who didn’t like Steph?! We had several conversations surrounding boys, school & the daycare. She was always willing to lend an ear with advice attached. She would assist me with washing the dishes as we had our girl talks.

Since I couldn’t go to Steph’s service alone because I am no good with funerals, I asked to go with Chelsea, one of Steph’s friends since elementary school.

As we drove to the church, I became even more apprehensive. There were a whole flock of cars that were parked in front of Hope Lutheran Church in Levittown. It was clear– she was loved.

Then, the hardest part came–walking into the church to say our final goodbyes. First, we said hello to Steph’s family. Watching her son walk around the church while Steph’s aunt followed after him really got me–he won’t be able to see his mother anymore. One of the worst things about this is knowing her son won’t have his mother while he grows up into a man. Along with that, her husband lost the love of his life, the rock in his world, the mother of his child.

Everyone seemed so lost, empty and misplaced. No one knew what to do or say. What can you say other than, “I’m sorry for your loss?” I was at a loss for words. All I could do was hug the family. I wish there was something I could have said or done to make the situation better. How could I replace their sadness with happiness?  

I felt defeated. All I could do was just be there for them. Even though I’ve never met her mom, sister or husband, I still hugged them all because I wanted them to know that I care. I tried to make the situation better by comforting them.

Tears formed in my eyes as the service began. Stephany Raywood was such a good soul, had a good heart, was brilliant, beautiful, successful and funny. She was a splendid writer. She was a busy, busy gal, but she still set aside time for family and friends. She was going places and it’s a tragedy that it all had to end.

All day in work my thoughts were solely on Steph. She was there right beside me as I finished my day. She was telling me that she’s okay and to move on without her. She was telling me to continue on with my day instead of being sad.

I swear that tears formed in my eyes at work and I didn’t feel up to conversing. I faked it. I pretended like I was okay, like I was my happy go-lucky self, but really was devastated on the inside. I thought of her as I worked out at the gym, asking myself how she’s doing.

Then, I thought of her family– how much pain their going through with this loss. I wish I could help. I wish I could tell them things will be alright. I swear if I could fix this, I would do it in one second without hesitations.

I regret not staying in touch, I regret not speaking with her about how she was doing, I regret not getting together with her, I regret it all. I wish I could take it all back, but it’s done.

I loved Stephany. Even though I haven’t seen her and I only spoke with her a few times after our daycare days, I know she saw me today and knew that I care about her.

Stephany Raywood– This one is for you, love.

RIP STEPHANY RAYWOOD: I LOVE YOU.