I’m not ready..

Hot, Cold, Sad, Mad, Pissed, Happy, Annoyed, Glad, Up, Down, Left, Right, Smiley, Grumpy, Angry, Excited.

This is me from day-to-day. One moment I’m so annoyed that I can barely see straight and then the next minute I’m happier than a high man. I switch, change, become a different person. Why? Am I bipolar, I ask myself in the mirror. No? Why does my mood change so sporadically? 

How is it possible for me to be so happy one minute then pissed beyond belief another?

For the past few months, my patience has slimmed. Now, I become annoyed more easily at the stupidest matters.

First off, please keep your hands off of me for one second of your life. Don’t touch me. I need my space. I can’t be constantly touched. I’m not affectionate, but you are. At times, it’s a little too much to bear. Please. Just stop putting your arm around me, holding me close so much. I’m weird, strange, not normal because most girls would LOVE that. They would soak it up & want it. However, it’s just too much for me. I need my space. I can’t, won’t, don’t want to be touched so much.

I grow so hot, so cold, so yes, so no.

I’m all over the place.  I’m so messed up. I’m an absolute train wreck. I’m so disoriented.

I need time, space. Maybe I just need to be alone, figure myself out first. I need to figure out who I am, grow as Hope Marie Kumor rather than to have someone define me, tell me who I am. Who the fuck am I anyway? Where am I going? What’s next? What am I doing here? What’s going to happen? No clue. I don’t know. I need to figure it out soon enough. I’ve been looking for jobs, paid internships, SOMETHING, but there’s not much out there.

Plan 1) Try to find a paid internship for the summer.

Plan 2) Try to find a “real” job

Plan 3) Work for B&N and babysit on the side for the summer and apply to paid fall internships. Also, write query letter after query letter after query letter, write in general and freelance for Bucks County Courier Times

This summer– 1) Figure out who the F* I am  2) Figure out what the F* I want

Do you realize this is happening? I’m done-zo. This time I’m finished truly. DONE. I’m just thinking about it. The graduation. The act of walking in front of dozens of people who are cheering, yelling, screaming, shouting– Class of 2013.

Holy hell. Holy cow. Holy crap. Holy shit. Holy Holly– I’m fucking graduating in a MONTH! What? How? Where? Why?

Emotional swings? Okay, everyone goes through it. Cool. That’s rad, fine, but I’m not “everybody.” I’m Hope Marie Kumor. I’m her. I’m strong & I CAN do this. Beat this. Kick the shit out of this. Conquer my fears, these feelings. Not let my learning disability hold me back. Be Proud. Strong. Happy.

STOP BEING SO AFRAID, HOPE MARIE KUMOR. Changes HAD to come eventually. It’s here, they are present & I HAVE to deal with them, face them. See what I want. Figure it out.

Boy.

I’m a mess AGAIN.

Geez.

I can’t help it.

I write. I dream. I love. I wish. I hope. I want to be successful. Be somebody & not just another face in the crowd.

“Hope Marie Kumor?” Oh, I know her! She’s awesome! 

Will they say that? Will I hear that? She’s good. She’s just that good. She’s great.

I hope. I pray. I want. I need.

I feel, as you do, as anyone does…the depths and peaks of our emotions, Hope. Its the question that keeps us moving forward toward bliss, but you have to accept everything else that goes along with it.”– My boyfriend, Matt. I LOVE it! I LOVE when he says stuff like that. You have NO clue how much I LOVE it.

Youre in a very unsettled moment in life in  many ways, as I am so I know exactly how you feel, dear… I really think the most important thing for you is that you look at it from a bigger perspective.” M

Continue, boyfriend, continue. I love the language, the speech. See how I changed, how my mood changed. I was so annoyed at the beginning & now I’m just okay.

Up & Down.

I’m a mess.

Life changing events are coming up– Um. Graduation, anyone?! Duh. New York by myself with NO ONE by my side. ABSOLUTELY no one.

You know how I feel. I’ve expressed my thoughts, fears & troubles.

I’m so scared.

I’m a mess.

Life sucks.

I’m not ready. I can’t possibly be ready for what is ahead, what’s next. No way, no how. I hate it.

I’m not ready.

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