I stood at the Woodbourne train station ready to board the train to pick up my graduation tickets.
I remember it.
I remember the cold breeze that used to make me shiver as I got on the train. I remember how I would read or do homework on those 35-45 minute train rides. Most of the time, I did homework.
On Tuesdays & Thursdays, I’d take the R3 and on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I rode the R7. I switched it up a bit and didn’t choose one boring route. I loved it. I hated the homework, the studying, the papers, the readings. I never seemed to have enough time to do it. I was always focused on another class.
Now that it’s almost over, I miss it BADLY. I only took an internship class this semester which meant I didn’t need to go down to Temple. Instead, I went to the Big Apple. I was engrossed in the New York life instead of the Philly life I lead for almost 2 years.
I planned to have lunch with one of my good friends. We would discuss some issues I’m having with the boyfriend. Doubts, again. Not sure. About… ANYTHING. I’m not even sure about myself. I’ve brought this up before– Who the hell am I anyway? No clue…
She mentioned the “b” word. Yes, break-up. Should I? I’m contemplating it. I’ve been for a while now. I feel like today was a dream. Could I really just do that? She offered some advice, “Be alone with yourself for a few days. Listen to music, write, figure it out. Write a Pros & Cons list. Go for long walks…” for this whole week. Just be by yourself, she added. She would know since she broke up with her long time boyfriend a few weeks ago and she hasn’t felt happier.
Am I happy? I don’t know. I’ve never really been “happy.”To be honest, I’m not even sure if I know what that means. Terrible. Bad, but true!
So, after our discussion, I’m left with a decision.
Be by myself.
Listen to music.
Go for long walks.
Write a list.
Think it all & through.
It’s an EXTREMELY hard decision since he’s one of the best guys I know, but if I don’t feel the same as I have before then I have to break up with him.
I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.
I feel like I’m in a dream. On the train ride home, everyone was chatting, smiling, yelling around me and I felt like I was asleep. I wasn’t awake. This has to be a dream. There’s no way that this is real. It can’t be.
But then I ask myself, “Can I really do this? Am I strong enough? Do I have enough strength?”
I’ve been contemplating this for a while now. I HAVE to do it. I NEED to do it. I just don’t want to see the look on his face. I don’t, but I have to.
I am strong enough for this.