I’m a bit disheveled. That’s me

Doubts.

They stayed. They were here. They were present. They arrived, but never left.

I had an entire week to think, ponder, write, decide what I wanted to do. Would I do it? Could I do it? Was I strong enough to go through with it?

Annoyed. Frustrated. Irritated. Mad. Pissed.

I kept talking. Building up my strength to really do it. I had to because the doubts were strong then they left, but to my surprise, they resurfaced. I didn’t think they would reappear, but they did. I was left with a choice, a decision.

I had it planned out– he would come down Saturday and we would finally talk. I was nervous, scared and I had no clue how he’d take it.

Would he cry? Would he be angry? Would he leave quickly?

I drove to the park with my stomach in a knot. I could hardly eat and it was one of the worst weeks for me because I’d need to decide.

He was there.

He got out of his car and I got out of mine. I couldn’t avoid the topic, the moments, the doubts anymore because it wasn’t fair. 

I just simply told him the truth–I shouldn’t have a boyfriend right now because the timing is off. It’s nothing personal, I just need to find myself. I need to figure out where I’m going before I can fully commit.There were other factors too. Oh so many, but I just stuck to that.

We went for a walk and talked for a while about the decision and how our week went. It was a week from hell for me.

It was a very emotional goodbye.

He pulled me close to put my head on his shoulder. I swear I was about to cry. I told myself not to. Don’t cry. Don’t shed those tears. 

We could still be friends. Would I be able to text him to ask how his day is going? Am I allowed to tell him deep, dark secrets? Could I share my thoughts and feelings about my life? Do friends do that? What can I do and what can’t I do? How do we transition from boyfriend/girlfriend to friends? 

I. Don’t. Know.

I don’t know anything.

We got up to leave. He held my hand as we walked back to our cars. I told myself to keep focus. Then, we hugged near my car. This was even more emotional. I said, “Don’t make me cry.” He told me it was fine if I did. No way. No how!

And, gosh we hugged. It was sad & depressing.

I felt like shit,utter & complete dirt, disgusting, crappy, gross, nasty & grotesque.

I decided this. I wrote a list. I thought long & hard and figured this would be the best option for me, for us. He wasn’t happy about it, but he was completely understanding & great. I bet he became angry later on, but at the moment, he was calm & cool. 

He got into his car & drove away. He looked at me & waved.

THEN, it happened. I lost it. I couldn’t hold it in. I broke down as he drove away. I cried so hard as happy people floated past me with families playing soccer, baseball or enjoying each others company. I was alone, completely alone. I was lost. I was sad.

I stayed for about an hour before I went home. I wasn’t able to move. Trust me, I remember that moment & I would NEVER go back to it.

We have to move on, he said through a pained expression.

I swear, I thought he was going to cry. I KNOW he was feeling the same way as I did. It was horrible & terrible.

I can’t see couples. I don’t want to see man and woman holding hands. I can’t see a guy kissing a girl on top of her head. I can’t handle that right now.

I’m fragile, vulnerable, wounded & raw right now. I’m still reeling.

Was it a good decision? Gosh, I hope so.

If you didn’t feel it, you didn’t feel it. There’s a reason why you broke up, right? You just miss having a guy to hug & kiss. You just miss the title, said one of my best friends.

When this happens, you really see who your real friends are.

BUT, I did make the right decision.

Don’t forget. Just because when I look at photos, I miss him doesn’t mean that I regret my decision.

I haven’t spoken to him since Saturday and I really don’t think we’ll talk for a while. I don’t think he’ll contact me. I know him. He won’t.

My friend told me to wait a month. Can I really not talk to him for THAT long?! Gosh, all I want to do is talk to him. Gosh, I miss him. Gosh, I wanted this though. I was doing so well earlier. I don’t think I’m ready to change my relationship status. No, I wouldn’t go back to him. I just want to talk to him.

I swear, as we hugged on Saturday, I wanted to say THOSE words, “I. Love. You.” I didn’t  though. I just loved the idea of a boyfriend.

I’m so disoriented, messy, disorganized. Ew. Ugh. When will I get my strength back? Fully? Be able to talk about it without choking on my tears? Be strong enough to see a man and woman be intimate with each other? Be able to let a guy in? Be fully ready for the day? Be me. Be myself? When?

Hope— it’s been 2 days! My oh my. What do you expect?

I know. I know.

I’m a bit disheveled. That’s me.

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3 Comments Add yours

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