Sadness kicks in & I just can’t kick it back out.

6:15 A.M.

My alarm sounded; it was a loud, buzzing noise. No, it cannot be that time. This day cannot be happening so quickly, so soon, so fast. I can’t.

I must roll out of bed & get prepared to sit through a 5-hour long graduation ceremony. But, this time, it’s for ME. I will be the one to receive that diploma. It was my special day and I could hardly digest that information. It was a dream. I was dreaming. I was sleepwalking and making this up. I just started at Temple University. I just chose my classes for my first semester. I just took my first train ride down to Temple scared as anything to be doing this city thing alone. I just began making friends in each class. I just started getting to know my way around campus. I know where to sit & have lunch, which food trucks are superb, where I can & cannot go, where the gym is. How can it all be over? Be the end? Be finished? Be done? I can’t & won’t accept it. I cannot move on yet. I just started! I swear.

Everything flooded back to me–

The homework. The long, terrible sleepless nights. The studying. 10:00 A.M. classes. The 8-page essays. The long, obnoxious lectures. Barely getting to see my family. Not knowing what “fun” was. Peanut Butter crackers. Pretzels. Bagels. Pretzels. Tea. Lunch bags. Hoagies. Fries. Wraps. Veggie Burgers. Gyros. Sitting across from a boyfriend in the SAC speaking about our homework & classes. Holding holds. Kissing. Hugging. Touching. Talking. Sharing. Speaking. Crying. Upset. Frustrated. Sad. Mad.Glad. Happy. Excited. Date. Philly. Dinners. Salads. Turkey Sandwiches. Water. Richie’s. Gust Crew. Spanish classes. Making friends. Saying goodbye. Working Out. Staying After. Her Campus Temple. Writing. Health & Fitness Staff Writer. Dreamer. Creator. Healthy. Group Projects. Math frustration. Running. Rushing. Train rides. Septa pass. Questions. Crappy Professors. Best Professors. Disability Services. Accommodations.

I swear, I just met with Vanessa Dash to discuss my first semester at Temple University. We just spoke. I promise. But, no, it was August 2010 when I had my first meeting with her.

Gosh, I won’t & can’t let go. I can’t. I’m not ready. I need to cling on, hold on tight. I can’t fathom not going there at all. Not for anything.

Makeup was put on, along with a bright red dress. I looked gorg, fabulous, “ready” to graduate.

7:24, I just made that train by two seconds before it pulled away from the station.

I sat there thinking, processing what was about to happen. I was heading down to Temple to attend the Class of 2013 Ceremony. Huh? Why? Why do I need to go that? I’m not apart of it, am I? Nope. I can’t be. 

It was real. It was overwhelming. It was large, big, huge, ginormous.

10:00-12:00.

The graduates sat there as the various colleges were called. Each graduate rose when their specific college was named.

1:00.

CLA- College of Liberal Arts.

My name was called. I focused on nothing, except for the moment. What was occurring? Where was Matt? He was supposed to be there. His name was in the program. He could have went. He could have been right next to me. That would have been bad, horrible, terrible for me because my emotions are still ripe & raw. They are still around, still there.

After all was complete, I called my family to see where they were located. My brother had no clue my whereabouts, but told me to stay where I was & he & my other brother would find me.

All around me, families were hugging & congratulating their loved ones. Meanwhile, I stood there alone– like a moron, like a nitwit, like a dumb ass on the verge of tears because this day was so overwhelming. I felt every kind of emotion known to man. I wanted something, someone. I felt so freakin lost & alone. I swear, I would have stood there & cried my eyes out. I knew no one around me.

I witnessed this girl run up to her boyfriend, hug him tightly & give him a passionate, long smooch. I looked away. No way. I couldn’t handle to watch that.

When I saw my two brothers walk into the room, I perked up. I knew it was picture time. But, it was completely mobbed as we made our way outside. After taking several pictures, we retreated to the car. I felt okay, alright, I guess. Who knows.

We were going out to dinner to celebrate. Then, at home, I received a bunch of gifts. Later on, I felt it– utter depression, sadness, missing everyone, everything– more so missing my former bf. Gosh, I needed him today. I wanted him today. He’s the only one who understands how I’m feeling, what’s going through my mind. I just wanted to text him so badly. I swear. I’m losing it. I didn’t. I told myself, “No! No, no, no, you can do this on your own. You don’t need him. You don’t.”  But, I want to talk to him about this loneliness, this uncertainty. He KNOWS how I’m feeling because he feels the exact same way. No, I’m not doing okay, alright. I’m doing terribly. I’m a mess. Still. Depressed. I wasn’t happy AT all to graduate. I didn’t want to. I wasn’t ready. I can’t move on.

Am I really a Temple University Alumni?! I guess. I assume. I mean, Bill Cosby spoke at our graduation, which was cool, but other than that, it was depressing.

Sadness kicks in & I just can’t kick it back out.

#Classof2013 #Graduation

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