I stare in the mirror wearing a bikini, checking out my figure. Do I look thin enough? Do I have a nice body? Is this working out four to five days a week helping? What more can I do to appear in shape? Why can’t I ever believe I have a great physique? What more can I do?
I never feel as if I look good enough, feel worthy enough, feel thin enough, feel strong enough, feel trimmed and cute? Nothing is ever enough & has always been like that. As many times as people compliment me, tell me how great my body is, how pretty, beautiful, I am, I never feel good enough.
What am I doing wrong? What is it going to take to feel 100% about my appearance? I try. I swear I do, but nothing has changed. I continuously work-out, but still, my body isn’t firm enough for me to feel good.
The key phrases here– good enough, feel good, nice body, firm stomach.
Will I always feel like this forever? Will I continually bash myself and my body? Will I ever feel fully confident to be myself? Come on. Why do I always put myself down? I feel nasty, disgusting, gross, dumb, stupid, yucky.
BUT, IT’S TIME.
It’s time to stop. I’m a size 3 for crying outloud. Originally, when I tried on bridesmaid’s dresses for one of my gal pals’ wedding , I thought I’m a size 4. To my surprise, the 4 was big on me. So, instead, I tried on the 2 and STILL had room! The saleswoman grabbed a clump of dress and said, you still have room too! See. There you go. I STILL had room.
The manager at work said, you look like a princess. It’s ridiculous how pretty you are. Other people have complimented me about my looks. It seems I need a constant reminder to keep going. But why? Is my self-esteem that low? Ew, Hope. Now, that’s gross, nasty, disgusting, grotesque.
Stop it. STOP IT. Just STOP doing that to yourself. You ARE gross thinking those thoughts. No, I don’t think I’m ugly, I just believe I can do BETTER. Everyone can do better somehow, feel better, good better, appear better.
I work-out, watch the way I eat, exercise, look good, smell nice, wear makeup– the works, but NOTHING is EVER GOOD ENOUGH.
I MEAN NOTHING.
I swear, I’m trying.