It’s 6:45 p.m. on Thursday. Usually, I’d be on the train riding home from my internship in the Big Apple or running to catch the next train heading to Hamilton.
No, I’m not over it. Not even close. I’m not over thinking about my NYC trips or attending Temple University. I think it’s because I have so much free time that I’m overthinking everything. My life, where I’m going, what I’m doing, who I am, where I’m going. I’ve never felt like this. This is the lowest I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I didn’t think it was possible to feel this way.
I feel empty, completely & utterly empty. Other than my dream job or dream internship, I’m going to feel like this for a while. I just don’t feel like anything has improved. I’m so high & low these days. I’m in a funk & I can’t get out of it.
Yes, I’ll have to deal with that the rest of my life. I do realize that, but I’m not ready for it. It seems I’m unprepared. Gosh, please help me. I’m going crazy, nuts, insane, ballistic! Save me. Please save me.
I’m not ready to move on. I can’t & won’t. I’m still holding on for dear life to my old life. My simple, simple life of going to Temple University. I felt safe, enclosed & protected. There was a shield over me and I was satisfied.
Gosh, I’m terrified. I can’t even begin to describe to you how scared I am. I just want someone to talk to, connect with. I have an idea who will understand what I’m going through too! Am I ready to admit that I need help? I need assistance. I’m great at writing about it, but when it comes to communicating it outloud, I fall short. I’m terrible & crazy.
I think I’m feeling lonely, isolated, unwanted, shitty, crappy. I choke up at the thought of my life being like this. I could NEVER live like this. If I did, I would cut my life short. I know this is only momentarily, but it feels like a century has gone by and I still feel the same. I feel sick & disgusted with myself.
I mean, sure, it hasn’t even been a month since I graduated, but still!
On June 16th, it will be one month. I know I need to relax & stop feeling this way. Um. Easier said than done! Bring it on. I want the stress, the work, the hardship, the business, the nervousness feeling, the choking down lunch while I’m working on an urgent project feeling. Bring it on! I’m ready. I’m prepared. Trust me. I am. Fully.
Your time will come. You’re not even close to being done with New York. You’re just taking a break & saving up money to visit him. You’ve been seeing each other way too much & need some time apart, I tell myself calmly.
Do you feel the same?! Please tell me you do because then I’ll feel a bit more calm.