Father’s Day.

I stare at a photo of my dad & I when we previously visited this house filled with Phillies paraphernalia three summers away. He’s standing proud and tall in his Phillies shirt with his arm around me while I smile in Ryan Howard’s real jersey and Phillies cap. We are completely decked out in Phillies attire. It’s a great picture of us, so I decide to give it as a gift for Father’s Day.

This is the perfect present, I say to myself as I search through my pictures.

But, then, I really look at the picture. I become sad and choke up at the thought of one day holding this picture in a clenched manner missing my father. I swear, as I write this, tears form in my eyes. I can’t even imagine my father not being around one day. To be honest, I don’t want to think about it because I’d feel absolutely empty & lost. The lump sits in my throat like a frog sits on a lily pad. That green reptile can’t move & neither can I. I can’t move from this position. I won’t accept it. I’m so sorry. It’s a harsh reality, but it’s going to happen.

I couldn’t kick the feeling of one day not celebrating Father’s day with my dad. For some reason, I just felt so sad all day. I appeared happy because it was his day, but really I couldn’t shove the thoughts to the side. They kept creeping up on me without much warning.

You see, when it comes to expressing myself, I’m great with writing how I feel, but when I’m made to form the words, they aren’t as accessible. In general, I’m not an affectionate person. When I feel it, I’ll hug you, touch you, but when I don’t, I won’t. My dad & I have never really been affectionate. I mean, sure I hug him when I leave the house, after we give gifts to each other on a birthday or if I appreciate a nice gesture. Other than that, I just don’t. To be honest, I get nervous to do it. It doesn’t come natural because I don’t always feel comfortable. Strange? Weird? Un-normal? Yes, but that’s how it is.

Today, I wanted to be more affectionate, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, go for it. There was a blockage, a resistance. I have no clue why, but I feel restricted. I just wanted to feel connected to him.

I’ve witnessed some of my friends go through the death of their father and it terrifies me. Literally. I’m scared to death (no pun intended). I’m just so afraid. 

It was a great day and I didn’t want it to end. Honestly, it was one of the best father’s days I’ve ever had with my dad. Gosh, I’m such a baby to get choked up over this, but I don’t want ANYTHING to happen to either one of my parents for a very long time. I can’t prevent anything from occurring, but I’m praying nothing happens any time soon.

Happy Father’s Day to all.

XOXO.

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