I’ll most certainly never forget!

I went to meet with a guy face-to-face about a story I was writing for the Temple News. I hadn’t been to Temple since December and I knew it would all come back to me. The plan was for my then boyfriend to meet me there;  I’d meet the guy then the bf and I would get lunch.

As I boarded the train, I became very nervous. It was a mixture of seeing my boyfriend and getting off at the Temple stop. People around me spoke loudly, texted on their phones and listened to loud music. It all came back. The school feeling. Kids with backpacks heading to class while I merely had a meeting with one of the editors.

My meet-and-greet was scheduled at 12:30 and I got there around 11:00. I met him at the Bell Tower, our usual meeting spot. We hugged. I didn’t have that long because after our lunch, I had to babysit.

As 12:30 approached, I became nervous. Whenever I meet someone new, I’m always extremely apprehensive. Not to mention, my article was about my then boyfriend and about the distance. After waiting around for 10 minutes, I was invited in the office by the other editors. Where the heck was this guy? It was 12:50 p.m. Enough was enough. I asked the others if they knew who this guy was. The one gentleman called him on the phone. It appeared he’d forgotten about the meeting and we would instead communicate through email. What was the point of coming then? I made my way down here & he was off-campus. He apologized a bunch of times.

Around 12:55, I texted my boy to tell him I was done. We would get crepes, talk and eat. He was more annoyed than myself about the situation. Even as we ate, I didn’t really know what to talk about. There was always that unspoken silence floating there waiting to be taken up. I never noticed it until afterward. 

When I was dating my other boyfriend, I’d love going on long car rides because we got to talk about anything. However, with him, I didn’t feel the same. I couldn’t talk to him in the same way. He would ask me dumb questions at times like, “are you sore?” What kind of question was that? I’d get annoyed and not answer. 

After we ate, I had to head back. All I thought about were my Temple days. Also, around that time, I was debating our relationship. When I sent the article to my editor, he told me he wanted to see more emotion come out of the article.

On the ride home, I stared out the window trying to process what was going on. In a few months, I’d be graduating with my BA and going out into the real world. I was scared shitless and couldn’t hide it. Gosh, I just remember thinking about that whole day. I couldn’t get over not attending Temple U in the fall, or spring, or the summer. I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t ready. I felt incomplete & lost. What the hell was going on? Ew. Disgusting. Nasty. Nasty. Dirty. Gross. Yucky. What was I doing? Where was I going? Where was my relationship heading? Did he fit in? 

That night, I wrote like the dickens. I didn’t hold back. I couldn’t hold back. I poured my heart out on that piece of paper and never looked back. I convinced myself that I could do this & completed it. I was scared that he’d see it and be hurt. It wasn’t my intention. I just wrote the truth.

If you’re interested in reading the finished product, here you go–http://temple-news.com/essay/the-kind-of-long-distance-relationship/

I’ll most certainly never forget!

Please quote me on this one “I, Hope Marie Kumor, will be famous one day.”

Every time I read a magazine, really look at the fine print and observe the writing, I always remember. It brings me back to why I want to become a writer. Gosh, I want it. I can taste it, feel it, smell it, consume it. I live, breathe and obsess over magazines on a daily basis. 

One of my friends just obtained a job at Womenshealthmag.com as an Editorial Assistant. How lucky. I’m super jealous and envy him! I want it just as bad as he. It was his turn first though. My time will come. 

So far, I’ve only had two internships. He’s had 7 internships and has finally landed a job. He deserves it more than I.

Gosh, I still can’t believe I interned for Good Housekeeping Magazine. I still can’t believe I traveled three days a week to the Big Apple by myself to live my dream.

I think, dream, imagine, picture my life in NYC one day.

Please quote me on this one “I, Hope Marie Kumor, will be famous one day.”

I miss Temple University.

Again, Again & Again.

While sleeping, the memories came back. I swear, it just felt like yesterday. I was in school. I was beginning the second half of my senior year at Temple. I was happy to end the studying, paper writing, spending countless hours in my room and the reading, reading and more reading. I’d never have to pick up another novel to read ever again. I was glad. However, then, I really thought about it. ALL OF IT.

Nope. I’m a dope, stupid, dumb, ridiculous girl to keep thinking about my Temple days continuously reminiscing about the whole experience. I just ended the semester. I swear. It was just last week when I was starting to write my 20 page paper for Phil’s class. It ‘s so painful– still. STILL.

You see, Temple & I just ended a 2-year relationship. We experienced several new venues in life. Being a Staff Writer for Her Campus Temple, having a 6-month romance with a guy, writing for The Temple News and Templar Annual, interning for Good Housekeeping Magazine, meeting several new people, becoming accustomed  to the city, train rides, classes and food trucks. I’m so heartbroken over Temple. THAT’S IT! Bingo. I’ve hit the nail on the head. I ended a 2-year relationship & I still haven’t gotten over it. It might take me some time because Dear Ol’ Temple was good to me. He was so pleasant & nice & I was IN LOVE with him. I put all of my efforts & hard work into him. I love you dearly Temple. I miss you soooo much. The hurt feeling won’t go away for a while, so try to stick with me as I go through this hardship. Please be there for me like I was for you.

XOXO.

The memories just won’t fade!

We sat together in the Paley Library on the high chairs near the library entrance talking & sitting close. We traded stories about how we met, how much we liked each other and how our day went. But, he always had to touch me, always had to have his arm around me. I didn’t mind the hand holding, but I did mind the constant touch.

Gosh, I remember when we sat at a stone bench on the top of the Anderson building telling him about my personal space. I needed my personal space in the very beginning of our relationship. This was a bad sign since we just began dating about a week before that. It was always constantly there. PLEASE. STOP. TOUCHING. ME.

I remember it like yesterday. Our relationship. The need to always touch me. What we did. How I felt. Everything. No, it hasn’t gone away yet. 

On July 27th, it will be 3 months since we broke up and the memories still stir in my mind. They rattle & roll never exiting my brain, always encircling. Can you please leave? I ask them. Please? I beg.

When I least expect it, they creep up without warning. Do I sound like a broken record? I believe I do. I repeat the same damn thoughts over & over. I haven’t dated a guy since & he just enters into my mind. No, I don’t want to date right now. I kept my word. I specifically told him that I didn’t want a boyfriend & I don’t have one. I’d rather be single right now. The thought of another guy touching me kind of sickens me. I’m not sure if he scarred me or I’m just not ready for another relationship. 

I’m completely focused on my career & writing. Writing is my #1 priority right now. Sorry boys! No way no how. I can’t lose sight. Remember what I want? Of course– to become a magazine writer! That’s the most important thing to me right now.

The memories just won’t fade!

I swear, I’m trying to relax.

Lonely.

With 100% certainty and honest eyes, I can say this has been the absolute worst few months of my life. Even though I graduated, just ended my internship & have went out here & there, I’m still depressed, sad, lonely. Come on. So what? So what if I have “so much” ahead of me. That’s shit. I’m depressed. Tears form in my eyes as I describe my feelings.

I’ve been so overwhelmed, sad & depressed. My brother leaves for Dallas today for a job interview. The first step was completing the phone interview & the second is flying to Texas for an all day event to compete against the others in the same position, yearning for the job. Wanting this job because then their degree won’t feel as useless. The job search will be over for a few who land the position. Will my brother be one of the lucky ones? Do you realize if he obtains the job that’s it. That’s all folks! He’s gone! I will lose him again– like before. Gosh do I miss my ex-boyfriend. Before, when my brother went off to TN, my ex was here to comfort me & help me through this. No, I don’t think I can do it on my own. I don’t think I am strong enough to handle it by myself. 

In a few weeks, it will be my turn. Will “I” obtain a fall internship? We shall see. Will I finally be able to give my two weeks? Gosh I hope so. I want to be a magazine writer so badly. I’m so sad, yet so happy. I’m feeling all of these different emotions & I hate it. I hate feeling so unsettled with life. It’s terrible. I feel so goddamn lost right now & I can’t seem to find my way back. My brother returns Thursday night. He’s only gone for three days (for the time being). He will be moving out officially & NOT temporary this time. He’s gone & it depresses me even more.

Gosh am I sad. I can’t stress that enough.

I’m sad, jealous of others, unhappy, lost, unsettled, depressed, gone. Where am I? Part of me would love to text the ex, but I know I can’t. I swear I would, but what would that do? Nothing. It would create chaos, terrible, ugliness, nastiness, relax, Hopie & focus on your career. I have two good things coming up– the Electric Run on Saturday night & on the 28th the Her Campus Collegiate Event in NYC!! Come on. Great things are up ahead.

I’m trying here. I’m trying to be happy, but it’s hard.

Boy oh boy.

Take a deep breathe & relax.

I swear, I’m trying to relax.

Still–He just randomly enters into my brain without warning!

I sit listening to “Mary, Did You Know?” by Kenny Rogers and browse through StumbleUpon for various articles. Currently, I’m promoting my articles posted on TheCelebrity.com (feel free to take a peek.– type in Hope Kumor). 

I click on “French Literature” and am brought back to Gust’s class when my ex gave his presentation. I haven’t a clue why I’m brought back to this moment in time. I remember how nervous he was not making eye contact with a soul until the end. He never once glanced my direction as he spoke. He prepared, practiced & discussed it with me several times, but still, he was deathly afraid to speak in front of the whole class. When I gave mine, I was extremely apprehensive, but I made eye contact with the class since I was being graded on that as well. 

At times, moments such as these enter in my mind. They come without warning & I must either brush them to the side or write them down. Can you guess which I chose? ;]

I can’t forget. I won’t forget. Tears stream down my face as I recount these memories. I won’t brush them to the side because they are part of me. I don’t care if I have to write it several times, I’ll do it as many times as need be. I just can’t forget those moments.

Was I happy with him? I was so annoyed, frustrated, angry, pissed, sad, happy, excited– feeling all of these different emotions trying to figure out which was normal. Is it “normal” to be annoyed with your boyfriend when he touches you? Oh, come on, relax buddy! Stop. Halt. Quit while you’re ahead.

The question is– in which moment did I become annoyed when he touched me? It was my internship. I changed. Overtime, I became a different Hope. It taught me so many freakin’ things & I miss it like crazy. Oh, don’t worry, I’ll return to NYC. No worries here.

When will these memories fade a bit? When will I no longer miss him sometimes? When will I stop thinking about him sometimes or talk about him?

Soon?

Gosh, I hope so.

He just randomly enters into my brain without warning!

When will it end? Please let me know. Clue me in. I’m ready. I’m prepared. Please.

The July 4th Adventure.

I wake up at the usual time– 9:30 a.m with eyes fluttering. I don’t want to get out of bed because I’m very comfortable. But, I must since I have plans with my brother, him, his girl friend and her boyfriend.

We’re going to “Party on the Parkway” on Ben Franklin Parkway in Philly. The event is jam-packed with food, fun and games–atleast that’s what we assumed.

2:08 p.m.– That’s when the train would pull in to take us to Suburban Station, the stop. We gather our money and meet at the station around 2:05. He arrives late, barely making the train by 2 minutes. He comments about what is wrong with my makeup. You see, he hasn’t seen me wear the amount of makeup I’ve been putting on for the past few months since we haven’t hung out that often. Then, he mentions lipstick on my chin. He looks at me in a different way than usual. My own brother doesn’t even notice the lipstick problem!

Then, all three of us make our way on the train as it pulls up. My brother sits on the window side, him the middle and myself on the end. We all talk, trade some stories and laugh together. Out of nowhere, it happens. The memories. They come floating back so quickly that there’s no time to push them away. I can’t. TEMPLE UNIVERSITY. TRAIN RIDES. Gosh do I miss Temple. I’ve barely been out two months and already I miss it like crazy. I wish I could go back. Make my way back to the much simpler days where I could bury myself in homework.

I remember my ex & I used to sit outside on a bench at Anderson & talk. We would talk about Gust class & the amount of homework we each had. Gosh, I remember it like yesterday. Vivid pictures & memories of us running away from the rain. I remember the way he looked at me, the way we laughed together, smiled, enjoyed each other. Gosh, that’s all part of Temple. TEMPLE ❤

Then, I am snapped back into reality when he asks me what I’m currently doing. Um. Hm. Writing. Working. Searching for something, the meaning to life. Having fun. Trying to enjoy myself while I still can. Feeling sorry for myself. Missing Temple U and all of the memories that went along with it. God do I miss that school. No, I can’t go back. Instead, I must to focus on the day at hand. I try to leave the memories behind for one day & enjoy myself.

Around 3:00, we get to our stop. We all go to the restroom then search for the girl & her significant other. When we see them, he introduces all of us. I try talking to the girl, but she just doesn’t seem interested. I ask her where she works, life sort of questions. She answers, but never asks me anything. I begin walking with my original crowd and let her stay with her boo. We find out that this event is ALL food. It’s ungodly hot and we continue walking to check out the various food vendors. It is a bust because none of us are interested in buying food all day, so we decide to head to TGIFriday’s to grab a drink.

It’s only a few blocks down and the atmosphere is extremely awkward between him and the girl’s boyfriend because he hangs out with the girl a lot. Wouldn’t you be threatened and jealous? Duh.

On this day, he flirts with me and seems to be clingy. Alright. Okay. Hey, there’s a cute guy, duck while I smile at him! I’m so over him (finally!) I can say with 100% that I don’t have any feelings for him & I couldn’t be happier. Nope. Sorry. If he’s still into me, I apologize but I just don’t like you like that anymore.

At one point, when I make a jokey sort of kissy face he says with a weird look in his eyes,  I thought you were going to kiss me. Um. No. Thanks.  After a drink or two, everyone starts to loosen up and talk. I don’t plan on getting drunk, just merely have a drink or two. That’s it.

Whenever he drinks, he becomes obnoxious and clingy (though I’ve only seen him like that twice). Then, we decide to go to another bar. When we arrive, I see several hot, gorgeous guys that I’d love to get my hands on, but can’t. I’m with my brother and ex-ex for goodness sake! I needed my bestie present! If she were there, we would have been talking to a group of guys. I really missed her at that moment.

He asks me over & over if I’d like a beer. I’ll buy you the cider beer, he offers. No, no thanks. You don’t have to. He just wants to stand by me the whole time. Come on! But, I feel like myself. I am myself. I love the way I act when I’m hanging out with me. I don’t need to push to talk about something, make small talk, just talk to avoid the awkwardness. I can go with the flow & let it go. 

We plan to board the 7:45 train, while they take the 7:31 p.m. As we wait in the station, he tells me I’m acting different. Well, I’ve changed. I’m not the same. Since I began this NYC journey, I’ve become different. He just hasn’t hung out with me enough to notice.

On the ride home, he wants to talk while I just want to write. Gosh, I yearn for a piece of paper to write my thoughts, dreams & problems of the day. I look in my purse for anything, a napkin? Nope. Nothing.

AGAIN– It comes back– the memories. They resurface and stick around. We take one of those new trains. In the fall, on Tuesdays & Thursdays, I used to stay after for my then boyfriend. I had a decent amount of homework, but I stayed for two reasons– so I could get some interviews for my most recent story & for him. Oh boy. Then, I would take the West Trenton train, which was usually the new train. I had to stand on the train because it was so crowded. It came back. Oh boy, so strong. The electronic announcements.  You haven’t a clue. I wasn’t able to get any homework done since I was standing. It was around 9:00 by the time I made my way home. The next day, I had class at 11:00 and so did he. When I was about to get off at the Temple stop, I’d turn on my Ipod & play the song “Record Collector.” It was a perfect walking-off-the-train-song. Gosh, I remember. They came back. I could go on for hours & hours about what I remember & recall. 

He wants to go on an adventure, but truly, all I want to do is go home & write. What a dork, nerd, weirdo, but it’s true. I want to write while the memories are there.

It was an okay day. I believe he uses me as his “back-up” plan when he has no other girls in his life. I think he might still feel a little something for me, but it’s not a girlfriend thing, more of a she’s pretty sort of feeling. I don’t mind, it’s cool. I would NEVER get back together with him though. Nah, Sorrys, dude.

Instead of going on an adventure, we walk up to my local elementary school to watch fireworks, with my other brother. It’s not too bad. The fireworks are nice.

But, I KNEW the memories would flood back as soon as I took that train again. I hated it. Ew. When will I ever get over THIS? What the f*** am I going to do when the fall comes & all of the students are happily going back to school? That’s so not fair. You suck. I so don’t like you. I’m super jealous! That’s unreal.

I must face the facts. I’m no longer a student. Unless I go to grad school, which would only be because I miss school so badly, I will NEVER be a college student. Tears form in my eyes as I think of this notion. You’re gross, nasty, disgusting, grotesque! 

This was just my July 4th Adventure, but I’ll have another one to check out my next step.

Ew.

The Old Me: Filling in the silence

BY   Hope Kumor

It’s no secret that I’m quiet, very laid back, shy, go-with-the-flow kind of gal.

But, progressively, over the past few months, I’ve gotten quieter & quieter, more impatient, more laid back. If there’s nothing to say, what’s the point of talking? Do you like to small talk?

In the past, when there was nothing to say, I’d fill in the silence with meaningless words, avoiding those everlasting awkward pauses that make you cringe. I hated those buggers & searched for words, for anything to say. But, THAT was the problem, the annoying aspect of me. 

I don’t want to be that girl anymore though. I don’t want to fill in the silence when there’s simply nothing to say. You can do it if you want. I’m tired, groggy, exhausted. You can take over. Why do “I” always have to be the one to bring up subjects? Why can’t YOU ask me something? I’m so sick of doing that. Maybe I appear boring if I don’t talk, but did you ever think I believe the same thing about you? You don’t talk either. Why? Why can’t YOU talk to me? 

I asked one of my besties if I was boring. She simply said, no, you only talk when you have something really important to say. You don’t want to just fill in the silence.  EXACTLY. She hit it. She knows me. She’s good!

Do you ever question if you’re boring when you don’t talk? Do YOU fill in the silence? Tell me. Tell me the truth. Don’t be afraid to admit it. I’ll listen. I’m a Great listener, trust me!

I tend to make friends who talk about themselves all the time, not taking the time to ask, how are you? instead weighing me with all their problems. Why are people so self-centered? Why do they just want to talk about what’s on THEIR mind? I know why people like that flock to me because I’m an excellent listener & they know I WON’T turn them away. Sure, I’ll listen to you! Why not? 

Why are people so freaking self-centered? I ask myself on a daily basis.

Why don’t more people care about others well-being?

I feel like talking to someone, anyone, but, yet, I don’t. I want to express these thoughts to SOMEONE, but I just don’t feel like talking. Does that make any sense? No, not really. I get it. I understand. 

What am I in search for? What do I want? I know what I want career wise, but other than that, not really. No, I don’t want a boyfriend. I just want someone to talk to, have fun with, have late night chats with, enjoy someone elses company, yet I’m scared that I’ll get attached. What happens if I start to develop feelings for this boy? I’m screwed. I’m done, but maybe I need that in order to distract myself.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about my ex a lot & missing him. I know. I know. I’m over him, I’m just missing the connection, the late night talks, the hand holding, the kissing, the physical & emotion connection. That’s it. I’ve been looking at pictures. It disgusts me looking through our texts, but at the same time, makes me miss it. No, I don’t want to get back together. I just miss it. That’s all. End. of. story. We weren’t meant to be. No. I know that already.

For some reason, sometimes, I distance myself from my closest friends. It just happens. I don’t know why though. It just happens. Friends ask me to hang out & I make up excuses. How ignorant, rude, nasty, disgusting, but true. I’m baring my soul here. Brace yourself for some truth, folks! Why do I do it? I get scared to get close to anyone. I’m afraid, boy am I afraid. I’m a wuss, pussy, little girl when it comes to getting close to others. It’s always been like that. How can I change it? That’s a good question,but  I don’t have an answer. I’m sorry. I apologize, but I don’t have anything for you.

I’m a quiet, silent gal who is more of a listener & observer than a talker. I always have been, since I was young.

Observing is so much better than filling in the silence.