The Old Me: Filling in the silence

BY   Hope Kumor

It’s no secret that I’m quiet, very laid back, shy, go-with-the-flow kind of gal.

But, progressively, over the past few months, I’ve gotten quieter & quieter, more impatient, more laid back. If there’s nothing to say, what’s the point of talking? Do you like to small talk?

In the past, when there was nothing to say, I’d fill in the silence with meaningless words, avoiding those everlasting awkward pauses that make you cringe. I hated those buggers & searched for words, for anything to say. But, THAT was the problem, the annoying aspect of me. 

I don’t want to be that girl anymore though. I don’t want to fill in the silence when there’s simply nothing to say. You can do it if you want. I’m tired, groggy, exhausted. You can take over. Why do “I” always have to be the one to bring up subjects? Why can’t YOU ask me something? I’m so sick of doing that. Maybe I appear boring if I don’t talk, but did you ever think I believe the same thing about you? You don’t talk either. Why? Why can’t YOU talk to me? 

I asked one of my besties if I was boring. She simply said, no, you only talk when you have something really important to say. You don’t want to just fill in the silence.  EXACTLY. She hit it. She knows me. She’s good!

Do you ever question if you’re boring when you don’t talk? Do YOU fill in the silence? Tell me. Tell me the truth. Don’t be afraid to admit it. I’ll listen. I’m a Great listener, trust me!

I tend to make friends who talk about themselves all the time, not taking the time to ask, how are you? instead weighing me with all their problems. Why are people so self-centered? Why do they just want to talk about what’s on THEIR mind? I know why people like that flock to me because I’m an excellent listener & they know I WON’T turn them away. Sure, I’ll listen to you! Why not? 

Why are people so freaking self-centered? I ask myself on a daily basis.

Why don’t more people care about others well-being?

I feel like talking to someone, anyone, but, yet, I don’t. I want to express these thoughts to SOMEONE, but I just don’t feel like talking. Does that make any sense? No, not really. I get it. I understand. 

What am I in search for? What do I want? I know what I want career wise, but other than that, not really. No, I don’t want a boyfriend. I just want someone to talk to, have fun with, have late night chats with, enjoy someone elses company, yet I’m scared that I’ll get attached. What happens if I start to develop feelings for this boy? I’m screwed. I’m done, but maybe I need that in order to distract myself.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about my ex a lot & missing him. I know. I know. I’m over him, I’m just missing the connection, the late night talks, the hand holding, the kissing, the physical & emotion connection. That’s it. I’ve been looking at pictures. It disgusts me looking through our texts, but at the same time, makes me miss it. No, I don’t want to get back together. I just miss it. That’s all. End. of. story. We weren’t meant to be. No. I know that already.

For some reason, sometimes, I distance myself from my closest friends. It just happens. I don’t know why though. It just happens. Friends ask me to hang out & I make up excuses. How ignorant, rude, nasty, disgusting, but true. I’m baring my soul here. Brace yourself for some truth, folks! Why do I do it? I get scared to get close to anyone. I’m afraid, boy am I afraid. I’m a wuss, pussy, little girl when it comes to getting close to others. It’s always been like that. How can I change it? That’s a good question,but  I don’t have an answer. I’m sorry. I apologize, but I don’t have anything for you.

I’m a quiet, silent gal who is more of a listener & observer than a talker. I always have been, since I was young.

Observing is so much better than filling in the silence.

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. A man is but the product of his thoughts. What he thinks, he becomes.

    Some people think with their mouths. Why is a dilemma to vast for anyone to attempt to dwell in. But, maybe you’re right. Maybe people tell you their story because they’re self-righteous and tell everyone. Or, maybe people spill their guts to you because they know that’s what you want.

    1. Relationship columnist♥ says:

      Hey!
      Thank you for taking the time to comment. I appreciate it! :]
      I completely agree with you! In my opinion, most people are so self-absorbed that they can’t see straight.

      XOXO.

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