I swear, I’m trying to relax.


With 100% certainty and honest eyes, I can say this has been the absolute worst few months of my life. Even though I graduated, just ended my internship & have went out here & there, I’m still depressed, sad, lonely. Come on. So what? So what if I have “so much” ahead of me. That’s shit. I’m depressed. Tears form in my eyes as I describe my feelings.

I’ve been so overwhelmed, sad & depressed. My brother leaves for Dallas today for a job interview. The first step was completing the phone interview & the second is flying to Texas for an all day event to compete against the others in the same position, yearning for the job. Wanting this job because then their degree won’t feel as useless. The job search will be over for a few who land the position. Will my brother be one of the lucky ones? Do you realize if he obtains the job that’s it. That’s all folks! He’s gone! I will lose him again– like before. Gosh do I miss my ex-boyfriend. Before, when my brother went off to TN, my ex was here to comfort me & help me through this. No, I don’t think I can do it on my own. I don’t think I am strong enough to handle it by myself. 

In a few weeks, it will be my turn. Will “I” obtain a fall internship? We shall see. Will I finally be able to give my two weeks? Gosh I hope so. I want to be a magazine writer so badly. I’m so sad, yet so happy. I’m feeling all of these different emotions & I hate it. I hate feeling so unsettled with life. It’s terrible. I feel so goddamn lost right now & I can’t seem to find my way back. My brother returns Thursday night. He’s only gone for three days (for the time being). He will be moving out officially & NOT temporary this time. He’s gone & it depresses me even more.

Gosh am I sad. I can’t stress that enough.

I’m sad, jealous of others, unhappy, lost, unsettled, depressed, gone. Where am I? Part of me would love to text the ex, but I know I can’t. I swear I would, but what would that do? Nothing. It would create chaos, terrible, ugliness, nastiness, relax, Hopie & focus on your career. I have two good things coming up– the Electric Run on Saturday night & on the 28th the Her Campus Collegiate Event in NYC!! Come on. Great things are up ahead.

I’m trying here. I’m trying to be happy, but it’s hard.

Boy oh boy.

Take a deep breathe & relax.

I swear, I’m trying to relax.


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