We sat together in the Paley Library on the high chairs near the library entrance talking & sitting close. We traded stories about how we met, how much we liked each other and how our day went. But, he always had to touch me, always had to have his arm around me. I didn’t mind the hand holding, but I did mind the constant touch.
Gosh, I remember when we sat at a stone bench on the top of the Anderson building telling him about my personal space. I needed my personal space in the very beginning of our relationship. This was a bad sign since we just began dating about a week before that. It was always constantly there. PLEASE. STOP. TOUCHING. ME.
I remember it like yesterday. Our relationship. The need to always touch me. What we did. How I felt. Everything. No, it hasn’t gone away yet.
On July 27th, it will be 3 months since we broke up and the memories still stir in my mind. They rattle & roll never exiting my brain, always encircling. Can you please leave? I ask them. Please? I beg.
When I least expect it, they creep up without warning. Do I sound like a broken record? I believe I do. I repeat the same damn thoughts over & over. I haven’t dated a guy since & he just enters into my mind. No, I don’t want to date right now. I kept my word. I specifically told him that I didn’t want a boyfriend & I don’t have one. I’d rather be single right now. The thought of another guy touching me kind of sickens me. I’m not sure if he scarred me or I’m just not ready for another relationship.
I’m completely focused on my career & writing. Writing is my #1 priority right now. Sorry boys! No way no how. I can’t lose sight. Remember what I want? Of course– to become a magazine writer! That’s the most important thing to me right now.
The memories just won’t fade!