I just want to learn to rely on myself more.

I think I’m ready.

I think I’m ready to embrace the changes in my life. I think I’m ready to face them head on & not be as afraid. I think I’m ready to be grateful & appreciate my surroundings, the good things in life, the good friends and family I have, the special moments that happen.

I saw a coyote today while strolling through the forest with my bestie. We witnessed real, true nature today & it got me thinking. I appreciated it. I got dirty & filthy, but still had a nice time. We spoke about deep thoughts on that long car ride. We divulged some interesting facts about one another, which brought us closer together.

Road trips make you think & you feel so refreshed after the trip.

The past is the past & I thoroughly enjoyed my days of Temple University, but I will also miss this time in my life, this moment in life when I can act silly, fun, careful & single. I can do whatever I want with whomever I want. I don’t need to worry about calling my man to tell him what I’m up to. I don’t need to worry about how much time I spend with my girls while he gets annoyed sitting at home. I don’t need to worry about asking how his day is going or what he’s doing. I don’t need to worry about anyone but myself. Selfish? Maybe, but that’s where I’m at.

I want to stop worrying about a man in order to be happy. I can be happy being single & relying on myself. I want to make myself stronger without a man. I want to become independent & not worry about some guy who will save me from every little thing. I won’t always have that in my life & I need to learn that now. I must lean on myself for support.

In the end, I’m the only one who will be there. Sure, I’ll have friends, but what happens when they simply can’t be there? Then, there’s just little ol’ me. ME. Hope Marie Kumor. She’s the one.

I just want to learn to rely on myself more.

How do I stop the memories from coming?

I’m watching my favorite show, One Tree Hill, of course and then, all of a sudden, it happens. My cell phone chirps that old ringtone. I am brought back.

Back to the days at Temple University.

I swear, tonight feels like a homework night filled with hours of studying and frustration. Staying in my room all night is the key. I can’t even leave the room to get a cup of water because it could ruin my concentration, so I sit and rattle my brain with meaningless reading and studying. But, I don’t have to do that anymore. I don’t need to be cooped up in my room for the entire evening. I can finally start my life. I can finally land the job I’ve been yearning for since attending Temple University. I’ve been waiting, waiting & waiting for this moment to come, for it to really happen & now that it’s here, I’m ready to run, duck, take cover because I no longer want it.

As I was leaving my bestie’s place this morning, after a fun night, I felt like crying. I haven’t the slightest idea why, I just did. I wanted to cry for everything– for missing Temple, for not finding a job, for not being grateful with what I had last fall, for college grads who need to work in crappy places, for students who are attending college and despising it– for EVERY. SINGLE. THING. that’s going on in my life. For all of it.

Then, the chirp was it.

That was my previous ringtone when I was with my ex. Every time it would go off, my eyes would get big and I’d be embarrassed because it was quiet and then, that sound would go off. He would laugh at me as I made that face. I miss those moments. I miss them dearly. I swear, I could cry right now. For no reason. There’s nothing in particular, I just feel so sad lately. 

It’s the beginning of the school year & I hate it. I’m not going back. I’m staying put & I feel sick. I feel like throwing up.

Lately, I’ve been thinking so much. I can’t quit it, turn off my brain. Just stop. Nope, my brain won’t listen.

My bestie spoke about heading up to Temple next week to have lunch. I might cry. I swear I will. I’ll need to write, write every single thought & memory that comes to mind. EVERYTHING. I remember it all.

Classes. Lunches. The Smell. The Feeling. New Clothes. Squinted Eyes As The Breeze Comes. The Rain. Yelling Students. Smiles. Frowns. The Grease. I can’t. Just stop. Quit it. Exit. Throw the memories away for another day. Ew. Gross. Nasty. Disgusting. Foul. Yucky. Smelly. 

Stop Them.

How do I stop the memories from coming?

I just hate the memories.

I’m standing in the kitchen washing the dishes and then, bang, all of a sudden a memory re-enters  my mind.

My two friends & I are sitting at the Bell Tower at Temple studying for our English class. One of my gals is naming concepts from our class. Then, my other friend answers. I’m a bit distracted & I haven’t studied yet, so I just listen. The plan is for my potential boyfriend to meet us after his class so we could all study together. It’s a cold fall day, so we’re wearing jackets. Oh, I remember the breeze, how cold we were. I am sitting in my holed jeans with my hoodie up while I look over at the guy. He’s so cute in his jacket and tan pants. I could just eat him up as we all study together. I remember every detail of that day.

Afterward, we go grab a bite to eat before his next class. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, he had three classes and on Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays, I had three classes. I went every day and so did he.

Oh, I could recount so many memories to you. So many thoughts, fears, feelings. SO. MANY. THINGS. 

I remember them all.

I won’t forget. I can’t forget. I don’t want to forget. 

I’m doing something. Then, out of nowhere, the memories come flooding back. They all come without warning. I can’t stop them. Why do they come?

I hate them. I hate the memories. I hate feeling like this. I hate having them. I hate feeling them.

I just hate the memories.

Without Temple University, I’m lost.

Monday, August 26, 2013–

A Monday. A horrid, terrible, disgusting, lonely, depressing, difficult, hot, nasty, gross, grotesque Monday at that.

Classes at Temple University begin today. I’m not there. I’m not registered. I’m not going. I’m not participating in another fun school year filled with crowded hallways, students shouting each others names, recounting their long summer. I’m not there and I hate it. I hate every second of every minute of this day. This day sucks and I can’t stress that enough.

It’s a rather unsettling feeling to know everyone is attending Temple U while I sit here doing nothing. Sure, I have a “job” right now and am earning money, but honestly, I’d rather be engrossed in the Philly school life participating in the stress and overwhelming feeling of class. I’ve dealt with much more stress than classes would bring.

I freekin’ interned for a Top Magazine taking on several projects all at once. It was super overwhelming and exciting. I enjoyed every day I went and loved being in New York on a 3-day basis.

But, now, I’m simply freelancing, ‘working’ and babysitting. What’s next? What’s ahead? Can you clue me in? Could I get a peek, please? Yuck. You’re disgusting. I’m disgusting.

I just want to go to class. I want to feeeel it and gosh do I just want to ‘feel’ it. I want to be soaked, absorbed in the college life. Something is missing. Where is it? What happened? I have no idea what to do.

In two days, my younger brother begins his last semester at BCCC. What will HE do next? I tell him to appreciate it. Please do. I can no longer appreciate it.

I thought about going back for a BA in Nutrition. Thoughts. I think. I wonder. I ponder. I swear, I wish I had more time. More time to enjoy the college life, the college experience.

WHY THE HELL ARE ALL OF YOU GOING TO CLASSES WITHOUT ME? WHY DIDN’T YOU WAIT FOR ME? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO ABORT ME? I SOOO HATE YOU ALL FOR DOING THAT. I’M ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, DEFINITELY JEALOUS OF EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. UGH. UGH. YUCK. 

It’s not fair that everyone gets to go and I don’t. I’m absolutely depressed today.

Why did you have to do this to me? Why now? Ew. I just don’t know what to do with myself. Let me distract myself from what’s really happening. Avert my attention to something else?

I think so.

I just miss Temple University so much right now I can barely breathe. It’s like when the puppy you love more than anything goes missing. You’re lost. You’re gone. That’s me right now.

I can’t find my way. I’m lost & I don’t know where I am. What am I doing? Who am I? Who is Hope Marie Kumor?

Without Temple University, I’m lost.

If I don’t identify as a student, what am I doing?

The train rides.

The smell. The breeze. The feeling of fall. New start. New beginning. New happenings. New occurrences.

Every Fall, since 1995, when I started kindergarten, I’d attend school. Elementary. Middle. High School. Community College. University. Now, I’m not attending any sort of school. I feel so lost.

I can’t stress it enough.

I remember EVERYTHING. Every detail remains in my brain. Everything. No, I won’t forget. I can’t forget. It’s way toooo much to forget.

I’m ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, INDEFINITELY LOST WITHOUT TEMPLE..

Depressed and lonely.

As I write this, the clock reads 12:11 a.m.  and I’m listening to music with the volume as loud as I want.

No brothers are asleep. No voices are heard in the other room. No cell phone chirping goes off in the room next door. No television or video games are playing. 

My two brothers are in Colombia visiting my older brothers girlfriend. From August 8th- August 14th, they are both in Colombia and then August 14- August 20th, they will travel to Peru to meet my younger brother’s girlfriend. I’ve been jealous, lonely, sad, depressed ever since they left because I so badly wanted to accompany them on this huge trip. It was something so huge I wanted to take part of but couldn’t due to money and a passport. 

A few days ago, tears streamed down my face as I heard them speak about the trip and all the fun activities. My life seems BORING compared to what they are doing. What? I go to work, hang out with friends, but I’m doing nothing compared to them.

I can’t even begin to tell you how I feel about them being there and me being here. I’ve always been jealous when my brothers left me out. This is just devastatingly depressing. I just keep thinking how it’s going to be when they get home. They will both be even more depressed than me. 

It’s Sunday. They only have 4 days left in Colombia and then they move onto Peru. How will my older brother feel?

Stay tuned!

Is something good ahead?

It’s coming. I feel it. I taste it. I smell it. I can’t tell you what it is or describe it, but something is coming up.

I’m almost 24 years old and just graduated with a BA in English and have an AD in Journalism. Honestly, this summer I’ve had ups & downs, twists & turns, lefts & rights. It’s been disgusting, yet exciting at the same time. I’m depressed one minute and happy the next. I want to be a writer, with every bone in my body, yet at times, I don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like going through all the pain, agony & hardship of pursuing a career in magazine writing, which takes an extremely long time to break into.

This is my plan– I’m going  to apply for various fall internships in magazine writing. If I don’t obtain ANY, I’m going to continue writing for my sites– Buster & Ellie, The Health Ring, Get Fit Get Life AND freelance for my newspaper. I believe that as long as I continue writing & pushing forward, I should be okay. I just NEED to keep at it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  I CANNOT let it slip through my fingers. As I sit here and write this, I feel good. I feel accomplished. I feel great.

It seems my brothers are traveling to Colombia and Peru for two weeks. One week in Colombia & one week in Peru. It’s safe to say that I’m EXTREMELY jealous & just want to go with them. Two things– I don’t have the money right now (always the damn issue) and I don’t have a passport. It sucks. I can’t even describe to you how JEALOUS I am that they’re going without me.

But, the summer breeze tells me something is up ahead. There is something in the air that I feel. It’s strong & I can’t push it away. My hope is that it’s a positive thing. Gosh, I hope good things are up ahead. Come on, baby! Let’s have some fun.

On August 21, I turn 24. 2-4! That’s insane! I don’t want to turn 24, but obviously I have to.

I just want my brothers to go so I don’t have to hear them talk about their upcoming trip. They leave Thursday morning and won’t return until August 21. Yes, they return on the morning of my birthday. I’m well aware that they will both be depressed & unhappy, but then, they’ll know how I felt.

As I write this, I hear my brothers talking about the trip. I try to close my ears so I don’t have to hear of the exciting plans, but it’s pretty hard not to pay attention. I’m trying to just concentrate on my writing, but it’s not easy with them talking! 

I would love to get away from here for a few days. I believe my friend Jess & I are going away for my birthday. I’M 100% positive that I’d love to get away from here for a few days….

STOP.

QUIT IT.

DON’T SPEAK.

I’M DONE.

I’M TIRED OF IT.

HALT.

Push those thoughts out of mind, out of sight.

A group of us hung out last Friday night. He invited me out. I haven’t hung out with him in a while, so I figured I’d tag along to one of these “Meet-up” groups. Why not?

There’s still something there. I don’t believe it’s technically romantic, but I feel it. He flirts with me mostly, but at times, I do flirt back. It’s all in fun. He has no luck with girls. I’ve already had one or two dates since him and a boyfriend. No, I don’t want a boyfriend right now. I’d rather just have fun.

When we get there, we find out that it’s only three other guys, him and I. That’s all. But, then, another girl comes. She just graduated & she’s cute. Maybe a little bit out of his league.

Then, one of the guys asked how him & I know each other. I didn’t want to cock block him, so I didn’t say anything. He said those words, we used to date. The whole table was shocked. “How could you be friends with your ex?” She told me she didn’t want a relationship right now. Cool, Me either! She was pretty cool.

As the night went forward and we went to another bar, him & I laughed together when we talked about past memories. All was well. He let me drive his car home since he wanted to go to a concert and I couldn’t because I worked early the next morn. He asked me if he should ask her on a date. Um. She didn’t seem interested,

BUT, to my surprise, when the group hung out the next night as well, she told another girl she was interested in him. Um. Really? That was news to me. I think she felt strange because he was my ex.

So, he was going on a date with this girl. I’m jealous he has a date & I don’t. No, I’m not going there. Nah, I just. I don’t know. Who is this girl anyway? Come on, girl, you can’t break up our friendship. No way.  I’m trying to ask myself how I’m feeling about this. What are these feelings? You’re gross. Push them away. I swear, I’m trying.

Yuck.

Ew.

Gross.

Nasty.

Push those nasty feelings away.

Push those thoughts out of mind, out of sight.