Without Temple University, I’m lost.

Monday, August 26, 2013–

A Monday. A horrid, terrible, disgusting, lonely, depressing, difficult, hot, nasty, gross, grotesque Monday at that.

Classes at Temple University begin today. I’m not there. I’m not registered. I’m not going. I’m not participating in another fun school year filled with crowded hallways, students shouting each others names, recounting their long summer. I’m not there and I hate it. I hate every second of every minute of this day. This day sucks and I can’t stress that enough.

It’s a rather unsettling feeling to know everyone is attending Temple U while I sit here doing nothing. Sure, I have a “job” right now and am earning money, but honestly, I’d rather be engrossed in the Philly school life participating in the stress and overwhelming feeling of class. I’ve dealt with much more stress than classes would bring.

I freekin’ interned for a Top Magazine taking on several projects all at once. It was super overwhelming and exciting. I enjoyed every day I went and loved being in New York on a 3-day basis.

But, now, I’m simply freelancing, ‘working’ and babysitting. What’s next? What’s ahead? Can you clue me in? Could I get a peek, please? Yuck. You’re disgusting. I’m disgusting.

I just want to go to class. I want to feeeel it and gosh do I just want to ‘feel’ it. I want to be soaked, absorbed in the college life. Something is missing. Where is it? What happened? I have no idea what to do.

In two days, my younger brother begins his last semester at BCCC. What will HE do next? I tell him to appreciate it. Please do. I can no longer appreciate it.

I thought about going back for a BA in Nutrition. Thoughts. I think. I wonder. I ponder. I swear, I wish I had more time. More time to enjoy the college life, the college experience.

WHY THE HELL ARE ALL OF YOU GOING TO CLASSES WITHOUT ME? WHY DIDN’T YOU WAIT FOR ME? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO ABORT ME? I SOOO HATE YOU ALL FOR DOING THAT. I’M ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, DEFINITELY JEALOUS OF EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. UGH. UGH. YUCK. 

It’s not fair that everyone gets to go and I don’t. I’m absolutely depressed today.

Why did you have to do this to me? Why now? Ew. I just don’t know what to do with myself. Let me distract myself from what’s really happening. Avert my attention to something else?

I think so.

I just miss Temple University so much right now I can barely breathe. It’s like when the puppy you love more than anything goes missing. You’re lost. You’re gone. That’s me right now.

I can’t find my way. I’m lost & I don’t know where I am. What am I doing? Who am I? Who is Hope Marie Kumor?

Without Temple University, I’m lost.

If I don’t identify as a student, what am I doing?

The train rides.

The smell. The breeze. The feeling of fall. New start. New beginning. New happenings. New occurrences.

Every Fall, since 1995, when I started kindergarten, I’d attend school. Elementary. Middle. High School. Community College. University. Now, I’m not attending any sort of school. I feel so lost.

I can’t stress it enough.

I remember EVERYTHING. Every detail remains in my brain. Everything. No, I won’t forget. I can’t forget. It’s way toooo much to forget.

I’m ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, INDEFINITELY LOST WITHOUT TEMPLE..

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