I’m watching my favorite show, One Tree Hill, of course and then, all of a sudden, it happens. My cell phone chirps that old ringtone. I am brought back.
Back to the days at Temple University.
I swear, tonight feels like a homework night filled with hours of studying and frustration. Staying in my room all night is the key. I can’t even leave the room to get a cup of water because it could ruin my concentration, so I sit and rattle my brain with meaningless reading and studying. But, I don’t have to do that anymore. I don’t need to be cooped up in my room for the entire evening. I can finally start my life. I can finally land the job I’ve been yearning for since attending Temple University. I’ve been waiting, waiting & waiting for this moment to come, for it to really happen & now that it’s here, I’m ready to run, duck, take cover because I no longer want it.
As I was leaving my bestie’s place this morning, after a fun night, I felt like crying. I haven’t the slightest idea why, I just did. I wanted to cry for everything– for missing Temple, for not finding a job, for not being grateful with what I had last fall, for college grads who need to work in crappy places, for students who are attending college and despising it– for EVERY. SINGLE. THING. that’s going on in my life. For all of it.
Then, the chirp was it.
That was my previous ringtone when I was with my ex. Every time it would go off, my eyes would get big and I’d be embarrassed because it was quiet and then, that sound would go off. He would laugh at me as I made that face. I miss those moments. I miss them dearly. I swear, I could cry right now. For no reason. There’s nothing in particular, I just feel so sad lately.
It’s the beginning of the school year & I hate it. I’m not going back. I’m staying put & I feel sick. I feel like throwing up.
Lately, I’ve been thinking so much. I can’t quit it, turn off my brain. Just stop. Nope, my brain won’t listen.
My bestie spoke about heading up to Temple next week to have lunch. I might cry. I swear I will. I’ll need to write, write every single thought & memory that comes to mind. EVERYTHING. I remember it all.
Classes. Lunches. The Smell. The Feeling. New Clothes. Squinted Eyes As The Breeze Comes. The Rain. Yelling Students. Smiles. Frowns. The Grease. I can’t. Just stop. Quit it. Exit. Throw the memories away for another day. Ew. Gross. Nasty. Disgusting. Foul. Yucky. Smelly.
How do I stop the memories from coming?