What to do?!

With every bone in my body, I hope for it. I wait to see if that email comes in and it doesn’t. I don’t receive that congratulatory email letting me know I’ve obtained the fall internship with a magazine I so dearly wanted, yearned for, desired & craved. Instead, the editors made a decision and gave it to someone else. Someone better qualified.

I sat there and read the email that said, “Unfortunately.” As soon as I saw that word, I knew that was that. I wouldn’t get it. I wouldn’t travel to NYC three days a week to intern for one of the top Health & Fitness magazines. Instead, I would stay in my hometown and continue working for a company I can no longer stand. From the pay, the way customers treat you, the crappy hours, the job in general. I’m over it. I want out. I want a scapegoat, a way to put it all behind me. I want it & I want it now. I can’t wait. I just want to write, or atleast that was my only true passion until something else turned up. 

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE writing, but I’m also developing an interest in Nutrition. I’ve been reading & researching programs to get a degree in.  What should I do?

I feel exhausted trying to make this decision. At one end, I’d feel  like I’m giving up on my magazine search I so badly wanted. But, then, I feel like I can do both. However, we know I’d be more so focusing on the schooling rather than my writing. It would suffer. Would it get left behind? I’m scared. What to do? What to do? What to do? What the heck should I do? I’m not sure.

But, then, boom, there’s a blast from the past.

I’m sitting at my computer looking through all the previous videos of one my good friends & I see a video from the beginning of their relationship. At that time, I was dating Him. It all comes back to me– their start was mine as well. I began dating Him one month to the day before that pair. They are getting married in January and I am a bridesmaid. I am excited & honored to be part of their wedding. I cannot wait to be in their wedding. After all, I was there from start to finish. I remember the stories, the tales. It all seemed so easy, so fun, so exciting back then. But, I was sad & I had struggles. I grappled with the decision to break-up with Him while she stayed with her man. 

Thoughts.

All of these thoughts cloud my mind. I can’t get rid of them. They are here. They are present. Shoo. Get away. Don’t come back. It hurts. It hurts way too much.

Not being in school. Not having someone to constantly talk to. Not having someone there when I need them. Feeling afraid about my future. Feeling scared for my present. Growing up. Getting older. Having kids. Starting a family. Loved ones dying. Changes. Things feeling different.

Remember. Remember this time in your life right now. Cherish it. Learn from it. Live it. Breath it. Love it. I will never have another moment like this in my life– to be so careful. I mean, in November, I need to start paying for my student loans. Everything will start. Everything will begin. Nothing will be the same.

I’m hurting. I feel sad, depressed, not myself. I can feel myself growing up, getting older, maturing & gosh I’m scared. Life without school is freaking terrifying. I’m so scared. I can’t even begin to describe it to you. It’s certainly a change, an experience. 

I’m freaking out. I’m scared.

What to do?!

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